Punch: Punch (33.1857)

July 25, 1857.]

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

37

PUPPYISMS FOR THE DOG-DAYS.

By One who is extremely Cool.

H E Future is the Land of Pro-
mise to all such poor devils as
prisoners, exiles, bill-holders,
paupers, creditors, heirs, and
lovers.

Stupidity must be contagious,
for if you notice, a witty fellow is
always less happy in the company
of fools.

Love is a heart-complaint, of
which the cure, by Jove ! is fre-
quently more painful than the
disease itself.

A Coquette only jilts herself
when she marries the fellow she
has promised to marry.

A Frenchman has two kinds of
Love—his amour and his amour-
propre. The latter is propre d tout,
and it is so callod to distinguish
it from the other amour, which,
generally speaking.ispropre a rien.

When you hear a drunken man
vowing temperance, you may be
sure his vows are written only in
water—effervescing water, with a
very strong proportion of brandy
in it.

Ridicule is like mud—the chap
must be clever indeed, who, let
all his ways be picked as gin-
gerly as possible, doesn't come in
for some small portion of it. Fre-
quently those who try to avoid it
the most, receive the most.
There are men, whose elevation in life only tends to lower them in the social scale. Their rise
is, seemingly, from the Pit only to the Gallery.

Love is such a beggar, that when you have given him all you have, he still goes on begging
for more.

Too much zeal is suspicious. The man, who cries " Stop Thief! " the loudest, not unfrequently j
turns out to be the Thief himself.

MERRILY WE LIVE THAT SOLDIERS BE."

Mu. Punch is happy to find that the determination of the
Duke op Cambridge, Commander-in-Chief, to have the
expenses of the mess-table reduced, meets with so much
approbation from the Service. Everywhere the dinners are
now conceived in a spirit of economy. Lucullus did not
roast turnips on his Sabine farm, frugality not having been
the order of his day, but our military Luculli are prepared
to submit to the most severe privations rather than infringe
the rule of their chief. In proof that this is no idle boast,
Mr. PuncJi has pleasure in subjoining the copy of the
carte at a mess-dinner recently eaten by the officers of one
of the most gallant regiments of the line.

The document, for the authenticity of which Mr. Punch
has the best possible voucher, demands the attention of
Alexis Soyer. The dinner, it should be mentioned,
was the one which immediately followed the receipt of
H.R.H's. admonitory circular.

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BLACK PLUSH.

The Clergy are dreadfully alarmed at the prospect of being obliged to celebrate
the marriages of divorced persons, contrary to what many of them believe to be
the rule of Christian doctrine. Very hard, no doubt, it is to compel them_ so
to violate their consciences, and to oblige them to profane the matrimonial service,
as they must do if they read it over those who, in marrying, actually break their
marriage vows. But there is no occasion to be terrified by the prospect of being
obliged to do any such thing. They are obliged to do it already, and always have
been from the time when divorces a vinculo were first granted by the House of
Lords. The mischief is done; they have acquiesced in the wrong and the profana-
tion. Their conscience is lost mutton and gone goose. They have partaken in
iniquity, and known it not. As long as they had to marry none but fashionable
and wealthy sinners divorced by the House of Lords, the wickedness which they
were compelled to commit in so doing never struck them. Now that it is proposed
to oblige them to do the same office for vulgar transgressors, separated from wTife
or husband by a common tribunal, the hardship of the obligation, and the sinful-
ness of the performance, for the first time occur to them. They remarried Lady
Fitzdragon that was, Lord Fitzdragon being yet alive, to Colonel Gallivant,
in unconscious innocence; but now that they see a probability of being obliged to

do as much for her that was the wife of Smith, but is not his widow, and her scolloped oysters. „

paramour Jones, they are horrified at the bare idea. Surely, a very considerable
portion of the clerical body should cut their cloth, and induct themselves into
plush.

The fact is, that the Reverend Gents have committed laches in this matter, and
what they ought to petition the House of Commons for is, that they may no longer
be held under that necessity of profaning the marriage service, and disobeying the
commands of Christianity, which they have so long submitted to.

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FLOWERS OE FASHIONABLE INTELLIGENCE.

A Swell was married the other day—of course at All Swells Church; that
is to say, St. George's, Hanover Square. The case was reported, as usual in such
cases, by the Morning Post, with a description of the bride's and bridesmaids'
clothes, and the customary statement that the trousseau was of the most complete
and recherche character. It took only one parson to celebrate this "Marriage
in High Life," as the Post called_ it in Flunkeyish—to buckle Swell with Belle it
generally takes two; but our fashionable contemporary informs us that—

" The bridal group having formed around the altar, the service was impressively read by the
Reverend Talbot Baker."

We should like to know what the chroniclers of fashionable life mean by
saying that the service was "impressively read," as they generally relate it to
have been on the occasion of a marriage between a couple of the superior classes.
We are very much afraid that mouthing and moaning the service is the manner
of reading it which is styled "impressive" by the journalist who describes the
trousseau as reclierche.

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ECCLESIASTICAL GAMES.

A Movement has been set on foot among some of the
clerical body for the revival of a pretty mediaeval pastime.
Parliamentary intelligence includes a statement that:—

" The Bishop of Oxford presented a petition from the clergy
of the rural deanery of Oxford, praying that the use of excommu-
nication be revived, and that the burial service of the Church be not
read over persons who died out of the pale of Christianity."

The good old sport which the Oxonian ecclesiastics wish
restored, is the game of Bell, Book and Candle. Should
Parliament accede to their request, these gentle shepherds
of that Arcadian district the rural deanery of Oxford will
doubtless want to revive a little more of the fun'of Merrie
England in the olden time, and perhaps their next request
to the Legislature will be for the renewal of Fire and
Fagot.