Punch: Punch (33.1857)

September 12, 1857.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

Ill

A LAMENTABLE LAY. BY A TICKET-OF-LEAVE MAN.

Oh, Mr. Punch, 1 'm nearly done,

My 'elth is broken quite ;
1 've ardly strenth to old the pen,

I've skarsly pluck to rite.
Pray listen to a short account

Of my long sad kareer,
And for an injur'd hinnocent

You '11 shed an 'oly teer.

As hinnocent a man as you

In eighteen forty-three
They found me guilty of a charge,

And sent me oor the sea.
Ten ears the sentens was that time,

The charge was burglaree ;
That's cracking of a crib, yer no :

Tho, Sir, it wasn't me.

I served that fust time long enuf,

I think 'twas neer thre ear,
And then they let me out because

My hinnocens was clear.
They found me such a quiet cove,

So pius, good, and mild ;
I hadn't half the vice they said,

Of many a little child.

But I was nabbed in fifty-one

Tor a cimilar offence,
And sent abroad a 2nd time

At guverments expens.
This time they guv me seven ears,

A ear I think I staid;
They let me out because I work'd

So 'dustrus at my trade.

And onestly enuf I worked

Till once, unlucki—ly,
A chap as look'd like me was cotched

A faking some nns cly.
" He know'd 'twas me," the peeler said,

" He know'd my karakteer—"
And so o' cours the sentens was,

Another seven ear.

That kame to pass in 54,

And what was rather odd,
I wasn't sent abroad this time,

But kep at ome in quod.
But soon my constitution show'd

I couldn't stand a jail,
And so they let me out, because

My elth began to fail.

They mite as well a kep me in,

And let me die in peace;
For wats the use o' going about

Well known to the poleece.
I wasn't out 3 month that time,

When I was took once more ;
And tried and sentenced to the same

As I'd not served before.

Another 7 ear, and now

(This was in fifty 5)
My elth was braking very quick,

I ardly kep alive.
That time I thort I shud a died,

I shud if I'd staid there,
And so they let me out to try

And get some change of air.

The present ear in Febury

They nailed me once agin,
For what the lawyers seems to cat!

Felonious breaking in.
But I'd a breaking out in Marcti,

A habsis in my side ;
And as I was to ill to plede,

O' cours I wasn't tried.

So this ere 'sizes I cum on

Afore a pune juge,
Who treated me just like as if

My sufferins was fudge.
I told my story then as now,

In most unhappy mood ;
The only answer as I got

Was ten ears servitude.

The law like this was never ment

To punish any one,
For now the ears I shud a serv'd

Mounts up to 41.
The strongest man can't stand it, Sir

A helefant woidd fail,
If he were kep for 40 ears

In ostermunger jail.

So, Mr. Punch, just show yer pluck,

Come forad like a man,
And get the "Ticket Bill" repealed

Next session, if yer can.
It's no use bothering like this,

And giving of us leave ;
Why not save all expens at once,

And gtiant us a Bepuieve.

LAND BEUTES AND SEA BIRDS.

wo darlings of Mr. Punch's acquaint-
ance, whose dear faces under mush-
room hats (also tolerably dear) are at
this moment embellishing the beach
at Bridlington, write to Mr. Punch in
passionate lament over the disappear-
ance of sea-birds from Flamborough
Head. " The idle cruel visitors,"
Leila writes, with most pardonable
severity, "have exterminated them
by their incessant firing. Not a bird
is to be seen on the rocks—one or
two may occasionally — very rarely
though—be seen, over the sea, as far
away as possible, flapping slowly past
in a reproachful sad manner. Pretty
innocents ! it does seem shameful, that
after they have inhabited the rocky
ledges at Flambro' for so many hun-
dred years unmolested—even when England was peopled by the most
uncivilised tribes—now in these modern, enlightened times " (Leila
does not even underline these words of bitterest satire, and we applaud
her for resisting the temptation), " they should be completely extirpated.
Luy and I do wish some law could be passed to prevent this shooting."
A law, you green darlings ! How the women believe in legislation !
They think the law can prevent everything objectionable, from wife-
beating downwards. "Why not Gull-laws as well as Game-laws ?"—
Only that no gentleman preserves gulls, my darlings, and that it is
gentlemen who have made Game-laws, to protect and perpetuate certain
gentlemanly sports; whereas, gull-snooting is pre-eminently a sport
for snobs—for hard-hearted, bloodthirsty, beer-swilling, lazy snobs, who
think it fine fun to loll in a boat, or on a cliff, in the sunshine, and
blaze away into a snowy cloud of happy harmless gulls. It requires no
skill, and the snob has no skill. The bird when shot is useless, but
the snob kills for killing's sake. He is depriving the coast of one of
its most lovely and graceful living things : but the snob has no per-
ception of beauty, or grace, or purity of plumage, or gracefulness of
motion. There may be a callow brood in the rock cleft, that will wail
and wail to-night and to-morrow for the parents that lie stiff and stark
—their snowy breasts, and violet wings, all rumpled and dashed with
blood—at the base of the cliff, or float, wild and wandering corpses, at
rest on the unresting sea.

And the wail of the abandoned nestlings will wax fainter and

fainter, till it rings no longer through the rock caverns, and the whole
brood lies dead and cold—to hang with the murdered parents, let us
hope, in another and a better world, round the neck of the snob-
murderer, as the Albatross round the neck of the Ancient Mariner.
" Luy " writes in the same strain as " Leila." " Besides the
extreme dulness and disfigurement of it," she says, " it made us sad
to think of the cause. It is so barbarous and wanton, and stupid "—
("Luy" is evidently of an impetuous turn, and piles up her epithets
much more freely than the gentler " Leila ")—" always to be shooting
the pretty, foolish, harmless birds. . . What cleverness is there in it?
and it is so cruel. We found two left upon the cliff-tops—oh, horrible !
it made us quite sick, and so angry." No wonder;—would we had
been by when the snob perpetrated these murders—and had found
him not too big to bully, or even to thrash, if he had resented an
interference. But, had he been as big as Goltath, we might have
tackled him, for it is certain he was coward as well as snob.

In the name of all that is manly and gentle, Mr. Punch protests
against this cruel and useless slaughter of these bright and harmless
winged things, who float like bird-angels between the blue above and
the blue below, and whose wailing music makes so fine a treble to the
rolling organ basses of the great sea. Only let the darlings in mush-
room hats make a point of rating every snob they see at the work,
and telling him what they think of it, as eloquently and naturally as
our dear "Leila" and "Luy" have done in their letters. The snob
is human; he is not incapable of shame, especially when the scorn he
merits is poured out upon him from rosy lips and flashed from bright
eyes. And let every true sportsman denounce, by act and word, by
theory and practice, this odious and cruel abuse of the gun.

So, let us hope, these gentle visitants of the shore and sea-cliff may
be wooed back to their old homes and haunts, and the white wings
may once more reflect the sun above the angry German Ocean, and
the sad-voiced scream be heard as of old through the raving of the
waters about the rocky foot of Flambro.'

What a Shame !

The rudeness of the lower orders, especially of Members of Pall
Mall Clubs, is perfectly odious. Now that Tavistock has handed over
its representative to the Metropolitan County, as colleague to Mn.
Hanbury (the eminent brewer) the vulgar creatures say that the
Members for Middlesex are Byng and Bung.

The London Cook's Complaint {at this time of the year) to heh
faithful Z 1.—The rolling-pin gathers no crust.