Punch (35.1858)

THREE CHAPTERS FRO

M THE BOOK OF CANT.

CANT IN 1809.

\\fEi regret to observe, that the ridiculous project for lighting the
" streets of this metropolis with what is affectedly called "Gas," is
obtaining both notoriety and support. We are heartily ashamed of
sensible, constitutional Englishmen who can lend themselves to such
atrocious folly. What do the quacks and humbugs who promulgate
this nonsense profess ? To illuminate this mighty city with a fluid
from a chemist's bottle, an invisible something (or nothing) that is to
be carried through miles of pipes, and which they tell us—credat
Judceus,—can be turned on like water at any point, and at a moment's
notice. _ And John Bull is to be asked to pay for this—yes, to pay
for a thing he cannot even see. Not John, if he is the wise man we
take him for. But besides, this "Gas" is admitted to be poisonous
in the highest degree, and no human life can endure in it. And this
abominable stuff is to be carried through our streets, and into our
houses, to spread malaria and pestilence. It is moreover of a most
explosive character, and there is not the slightest doubt, that should
persons be insane enough to use it, not, a day, nor an hour will pass
but some fearful blow-up will hurry thousands into eternity. We can
only say, tliat should Ministers ever consent to allow the experiment to
be tried near the palace of our beloved and revered sovereign, George
the Third, the pater patriae, their heads should roil upon a scaffold on
Tower Hill. Another consideration is, that the general use of gas will
of course diminish that of oil, the vested interests of the opulent and
worthy merchants engaged in the oil trade will be damaged, and the
gallant tars now tossing on the ocean in chase of whales will be dis-
couraged. Let the Admiralty think of this, and whether these are
times to ruin the reserve fund of our brave Navy. We hear, too, that
contrary to all received notions that an Englishman's house is his
Castle, the minions of the gas associations are to have ingress to our
dwellings to adjust the juggling machinery for measuring this precious
humbug. Are the days of Wat Tyleb and of Ship-money forgotten ?
We trow not, and we venture to predict, that in another year we shall
near no more of the unconstitutional, dangerous, cheating, impudent
imposture, Gas.

CANT IN 1829.

Heaven and Earth ! Do we live in Turkey or in Britain, the land of
the slave or the home of the free ? We blush to ask the question, but
the wretched apostate Peel should blush yet redder for forcing it on

us. He has, in his dastardly daring, ventured to produce his plan for
Bludgeoning London. les, we are to have Police! A force of 5000
men, dressed, armed, and drilled like soldiers, is to displace the time-
honoured Watch, and is to mount guard over our liberties ! A standing
army is to parade the streets of London day and night, and to dragoon
the free Englishman into abject submission to the mandates of power !
Such is the plan of Peel ! Will Englishmen bear it. We boldly
answer for them, No ! A voice of thunder will go up on high, and
crush the police-gang who would crush us. The pleas on which this
atrocious conspiracy against liberty is justified are as shallow as the
plot itself is base. Bobberies are on the increase, respectable people
are nightly assaulted and beaten, the suburbs are infested by ruffians,
and the feeble old watchmen are either bribed to see nothing, or are
too debUitated to protect the honest inhabitant. Grant it all, and far
better so than that the bludgeon should supersede the rattle, and the
sentinel take the place of the constable. Let Englishmen put up with
occasional ill-treatment, rather than empower a miscreant with a brutal
stick to knock down everybody he may dislike, or who may be offensive
to the fellow's haughty employers. Even the criminal is not to be
wantonly oppressed, nor is the bludgeoneer to be let loose upon him,
when perhaps he robs only to provide food for his family. The law
is strong enough for all purposes. The Police plot is an infamous one,
and is designed to bring every Londoner under the espionage and
tyranny of the Home Secretary. We dare to predict that the plan
will be abandoned in obedience to the cry of our outraged nation, and
that our children will never be scared by the inhuman sight of a blue
and braceleted bludgeoneer clattering his hoofs on the free Saxon
pavement of London.

CANT IN 1858.

So! More "improvements," as any aristocratic and Sybaritic con-
trivances are now called. The demand for what is affectedly termed
" peace and quietness" in the streets of London has assumed such
proportions, that the authorities have resolved to take the subject in
hand, and Street Nuisances are to be suppressed. The organ, the
band, the hurdygurdy, that enlivened our thoroughfares from morning
to night, are to be banished from neighbourhoods where the inhabitants
in their luxurious selfishness do not desire them, the poor servant girl
is forbidden to buy an hour or two of melody to soothe her slavery,
and the Street Boys, those Pariahs, are to be tyrannically remitted to

Vol. 35.

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