DOI Heft:
August 14, 1858
DOI Seite / Zitierlink: https://doi.org/10.11588/diglit.16622#0070
August 14, 1858.]
PUNCH, OK THE LONDON CHATUVARI.
63
PUNCH'S ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT
uly 31, Saturday. The Premier
" Perhaps if, would be as well," said Her Majesty, quietly
" The next bit is Loud Malmesbury's," said the Earl. ." Her Majesty thinks that
if we do not go to war we shall remain at peace, and is happy to state that the plenipoten-
tiaries who were to meet in Paris to solve questions under the Treaty are now holding their
conferences in the capital of France."
" Very safe," said Her Majesty. " Who comes next ? "
" My son, Your Majesty," said the Earl.
" We shall have curt sense, this time," said the Queen.
" The Queen's forces in India have almost crushed the rebellion, and a home legislation has
transferred that country to Her Majesty, on both of which facts you are congratulated. There
must be a little more flourish of trumpets here, Your Majesty, and no mistake," said the
premier.
" A. warmer acknowledgment of the heroism and endurance of my soldiery, assuredly,"
said the Queen. " Go on."
" We now come to Your Majesty's Chancellor of the Exchequer," said the Earl,
demurely.
" The old man's sword is ever necessary to the State, and— "
" What old man," said Her Majesty, laughing. " Does he mean Sir Colin, that is
Lord Clyde?"
" I suppose he means gold, Your Majesty, which is so called in the proverb. And you
with an amiable alacrity have enabled v.s to draw it effectually. For this you will be pleased
to recognise an adumbration of Queenly gratitude, and the expression of a hopeful anticipation
that the financial sacrifice to which you have been invited will be found adequate to appease
the Destinies."
" What is the religion of Mr. Disraeli ?" demanded the Queen.
" Upon my word, it never occurred to me to ask him," replied Lord Derby ; "but I will
make a memorandum to do so at the very first opportunity. I have now the honour to
submit to Your Majesty a paragraph by Your Majesty's elegantly-minded and scholarly
Home Secretary.
" The noble river tohich flows amid our Metropolitan Palaces— "
" Nice places they are; my two at least," said the Queen aside.
" —scatters, unhappily, aught but balm from Araby the blest. With the fans et origo matt
you have empowered wise men to deal, and it is to be hoped that the goddess Cloacina, shortly
transformed to a Naiad, will
" Bear no tokens of the sabler streams,
But mount far off among the swans of Tliames."
" What a bad rhyme," said Her Majesty.
"I'm afraid it is Pope's, nevertheless, Your Majesty, but I am better up in Horace
than in English poets. May I have the pleasure of reciting to Your Majesty my translation
of the Donee grains eram,,
" When i was dear to thee,
When, with encircling arms-"
" I shall be delighted to hear it at lunch time," said the Queen; "but suppose we
finish the Speech."
" By all means," said the Earl. The Lord Advocate of Scotland now comes in, with
something about the Scotch Universities, with which I need hardly trouble Your Majesty,
a remark which will also apply to a bit of Sir Eitzroy Kelly's about the Transfer of Land
Bill, which he extols because it will benefit landed proprietors; and we then come to
Your Majesty's new Colonial Secretary, Sir Bulwer Lytton.
" He ought to write well," remarked the Sovereign.
Be ought, Your Majesty. He says, Shortsighted were the aged Sages, the fathers of
old Time, who ministered the lesson that nought hath affinity with Gold. Rarer, stronger than
the boasted Loadstone, it attracts the Heart, displacing the Ideal, and substituting a metallic
Beautiful. So, in far and fair Columbia 'he
Golden Image is set up, and the Pilgrims, spade
and pick in hand, throng to the sacred soil. It is
meet and right that for some Moons to com£ stern
went to Osborne to show Her Order should reign among the devotees of Mammon
Majesty the Prorogation 1 and the queen of the Isles thanks you for the
Speech. He stated to his strong Law that shall preserve the peace of a
Sovereign that, in comph- Continent. In ages to come, when in one unbroken
ance with custom, each Minis- chain the subjects of England people our regions
ter had handed m a paragraph in the West, they will look back through Mom
upon the business connected upon JEons 0f prosperity, and 'bless the useful
with hijMiepartment, and that | light' of the Star of Brunswick."
"My eye, that's a buster," said the Earl
aside.
" Give me the Speech, please," said the
Queen, in a mild, but firm tone.
The Earl obeyed, and Her Majesty was gra-
ciously pleased in the quietest manner to tear it
across and across. The Queen then rose, and
the Earl took the hint, and lunch. On his
return to town he wrote the entire Speech
himself, and Lord Chelmsford had to deliver
what was not, all things considered, the worst
address Mr. Punch has heard at the close of a
Session. On Monday, August 2nd, Parliament
was dismissed, and a few hours later the Queen
was at Cherbourg, and a few hours later still the
Electric Telegraph was laid to America. The
providential escape of the Sovereign from the
jaws of the terrible fortifications, and the for-
tunate issue of the Atlantic experiment, the
Lord Chancellor entirely attributes to the
fact of a Conservative ministry being in office.
More logically, he also claims for his Cabinet
the honour of bavins: given a Peerage to the
gallant Sir Colin Campbell, now, (as Her
Majesty was pleased to mention) Baron Clyde
of Clydesdale, and whom Mr. Punch con-
gratulates with nine cheers. The Conservatives
have also given a peerage to a very worthy
Gentleman, Mr. P. Leigh, whose title, however,
is not gazetted while Mr. Punch writes—some-
body said it was to be Lord Hammersmith.
he, Lord Derby, had strung
the lot together.
" Quite right," said the
Queen. " Please to read it
to me, my Lord. You read
excellently."
The Earl of Derby, with
a blush and a bow, began.
" The first bit is my own,,
Madam, just to start 'em," he
said.
" Her Majesty commands
us to say that she is very glad
to send you all to the right
about. Pam's coming to grief
brought you to a check, but you
got on the scent again, and run
down some good bills. I 'II put
that a little smoother, Your
Majesty," said the Earl.
A NICE JURY.
We wonder how the jury who tried the case
of Swyufen and Swynfen could have arrived
at the verdict that the testator was sane. The
following passage from the evidence seems to
us conclusive the other way. We copy it from
the Report. The testator's adviser is detailing
his interview upon the subject of the will; and
says—
" Here some one came in with a plate of strawberries.
" The testator took off his spectacles, and ate them "
The British jury who could believe in the
sanity of a man who is thus proved to have
eaten his spectacles ought to be photographed
en masse, and the picture sent; to adorn the
asylum for Idiots.
Nomenclature and the Nose.
" Experience has shown that the town guano is less
hurtful in the sewers and in the rivers than in the
dwellings of the people. . . . The country can never
rest satisfied until the water, which i3 distributed
through its dwellings carrits away all the town guano to
fertilize the land."—Registrar General.
Just as a rose by any other name
Would smell as sweet, so a nice title can no
Eragrance impart to what, will smell the same,
Though Mr. Registrar may call it guano.
rabid question for the chief rabbi.
Could Baron de Rothschild, as a Jew,
conscientiously make a purse out of a sow's
ear ?
Conventionality. — In a demoralised So-
ciety, the Best Possible Substitute for Virtue.
PUNCH, OK THE LONDON CHATUVARI.
63
PUNCH'S ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT
uly 31, Saturday. The Premier
" Perhaps if, would be as well," said Her Majesty, quietly
" The next bit is Loud Malmesbury's," said the Earl. ." Her Majesty thinks that
if we do not go to war we shall remain at peace, and is happy to state that the plenipoten-
tiaries who were to meet in Paris to solve questions under the Treaty are now holding their
conferences in the capital of France."
" Very safe," said Her Majesty. " Who comes next ? "
" My son, Your Majesty," said the Earl.
" We shall have curt sense, this time," said the Queen.
" The Queen's forces in India have almost crushed the rebellion, and a home legislation has
transferred that country to Her Majesty, on both of which facts you are congratulated. There
must be a little more flourish of trumpets here, Your Majesty, and no mistake," said the
premier.
" A. warmer acknowledgment of the heroism and endurance of my soldiery, assuredly,"
said the Queen. " Go on."
" We now come to Your Majesty's Chancellor of the Exchequer," said the Earl,
demurely.
" The old man's sword is ever necessary to the State, and— "
" What old man," said Her Majesty, laughing. " Does he mean Sir Colin, that is
Lord Clyde?"
" I suppose he means gold, Your Majesty, which is so called in the proverb. And you
with an amiable alacrity have enabled v.s to draw it effectually. For this you will be pleased
to recognise an adumbration of Queenly gratitude, and the expression of a hopeful anticipation
that the financial sacrifice to which you have been invited will be found adequate to appease
the Destinies."
" What is the religion of Mr. Disraeli ?" demanded the Queen.
" Upon my word, it never occurred to me to ask him," replied Lord Derby ; "but I will
make a memorandum to do so at the very first opportunity. I have now the honour to
submit to Your Majesty a paragraph by Your Majesty's elegantly-minded and scholarly
Home Secretary.
" The noble river tohich flows amid our Metropolitan Palaces— "
" Nice places they are; my two at least," said the Queen aside.
" —scatters, unhappily, aught but balm from Araby the blest. With the fans et origo matt
you have empowered wise men to deal, and it is to be hoped that the goddess Cloacina, shortly
transformed to a Naiad, will
" Bear no tokens of the sabler streams,
But mount far off among the swans of Tliames."
" What a bad rhyme," said Her Majesty.
"I'm afraid it is Pope's, nevertheless, Your Majesty, but I am better up in Horace
than in English poets. May I have the pleasure of reciting to Your Majesty my translation
of the Donee grains eram,,
" When i was dear to thee,
When, with encircling arms-"
" I shall be delighted to hear it at lunch time," said the Queen; "but suppose we
finish the Speech."
" By all means," said the Earl. The Lord Advocate of Scotland now comes in, with
something about the Scotch Universities, with which I need hardly trouble Your Majesty,
a remark which will also apply to a bit of Sir Eitzroy Kelly's about the Transfer of Land
Bill, which he extols because it will benefit landed proprietors; and we then come to
Your Majesty's new Colonial Secretary, Sir Bulwer Lytton.
" He ought to write well," remarked the Sovereign.
Be ought, Your Majesty. He says, Shortsighted were the aged Sages, the fathers of
old Time, who ministered the lesson that nought hath affinity with Gold. Rarer, stronger than
the boasted Loadstone, it attracts the Heart, displacing the Ideal, and substituting a metallic
Beautiful. So, in far and fair Columbia 'he
Golden Image is set up, and the Pilgrims, spade
and pick in hand, throng to the sacred soil. It is
meet and right that for some Moons to com£ stern
went to Osborne to show Her Order should reign among the devotees of Mammon
Majesty the Prorogation 1 and the queen of the Isles thanks you for the
Speech. He stated to his strong Law that shall preserve the peace of a
Sovereign that, in comph- Continent. In ages to come, when in one unbroken
ance with custom, each Minis- chain the subjects of England people our regions
ter had handed m a paragraph in the West, they will look back through Mom
upon the business connected upon JEons 0f prosperity, and 'bless the useful
with hijMiepartment, and that | light' of the Star of Brunswick."
"My eye, that's a buster," said the Earl
aside.
" Give me the Speech, please," said the
Queen, in a mild, but firm tone.
The Earl obeyed, and Her Majesty was gra-
ciously pleased in the quietest manner to tear it
across and across. The Queen then rose, and
the Earl took the hint, and lunch. On his
return to town he wrote the entire Speech
himself, and Lord Chelmsford had to deliver
what was not, all things considered, the worst
address Mr. Punch has heard at the close of a
Session. On Monday, August 2nd, Parliament
was dismissed, and a few hours later the Queen
was at Cherbourg, and a few hours later still the
Electric Telegraph was laid to America. The
providential escape of the Sovereign from the
jaws of the terrible fortifications, and the for-
tunate issue of the Atlantic experiment, the
Lord Chancellor entirely attributes to the
fact of a Conservative ministry being in office.
More logically, he also claims for his Cabinet
the honour of bavins: given a Peerage to the
gallant Sir Colin Campbell, now, (as Her
Majesty was pleased to mention) Baron Clyde
of Clydesdale, and whom Mr. Punch con-
gratulates with nine cheers. The Conservatives
have also given a peerage to a very worthy
Gentleman, Mr. P. Leigh, whose title, however,
is not gazetted while Mr. Punch writes—some-
body said it was to be Lord Hammersmith.
he, Lord Derby, had strung
the lot together.
" Quite right," said the
Queen. " Please to read it
to me, my Lord. You read
excellently."
The Earl of Derby, with
a blush and a bow, began.
" The first bit is my own,,
Madam, just to start 'em," he
said.
" Her Majesty commands
us to say that she is very glad
to send you all to the right
about. Pam's coming to grief
brought you to a check, but you
got on the scent again, and run
down some good bills. I 'II put
that a little smoother, Your
Majesty," said the Earl.
A NICE JURY.
We wonder how the jury who tried the case
of Swyufen and Swynfen could have arrived
at the verdict that the testator was sane. The
following passage from the evidence seems to
us conclusive the other way. We copy it from
the Report. The testator's adviser is detailing
his interview upon the subject of the will; and
says—
" Here some one came in with a plate of strawberries.
" The testator took off his spectacles, and ate them "
The British jury who could believe in the
sanity of a man who is thus proved to have
eaten his spectacles ought to be photographed
en masse, and the picture sent; to adorn the
asylum for Idiots.
Nomenclature and the Nose.
" Experience has shown that the town guano is less
hurtful in the sewers and in the rivers than in the
dwellings of the people. . . . The country can never
rest satisfied until the water, which i3 distributed
through its dwellings carrits away all the town guano to
fertilize the land."—Registrar General.
Just as a rose by any other name
Would smell as sweet, so a nice title can no
Eragrance impart to what, will smell the same,
Though Mr. Registrar may call it guano.
rabid question for the chief rabbi.
Could Baron de Rothschild, as a Jew,
conscientiously make a purse out of a sow's
ear ?
Conventionality. — In a demoralised So-
ciety, the Best Possible Substitute for Virtue.