Punch (35.1858)

September 25, 1858.]

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

123

DISGUSTING FOR AUGUSTUS.

Augustus (who was rapidly coming to the point). "Then, Emily! Oh, mat I
call you Emily ?—Sweetest !—best !—say that you will not go—without-"

Fish-woman (cuts in). "Any Feesh to-day, marm]—any Mackereel, Soles, or
Whiting ]"

JOHN BULL'S FOREIGN POLICY.

0 Liberty, could I but see
The Peoples all enjoying thee,
Such high delight would then be mine,
As Man could owe to love or wine,
Or Woman feel in dressing fine.

Nor give me, though the truth I speak,
The credit which I do not seek.
Could you your tyrannies destroy,
Self would commingle with my joy
A no small portion of alloy.

To hold you down, your despots arm,
And keep me always in alarm.
Confound them!—they mean me no good;
Abolish, well I know they would,
My Constitution, if they could.

I, too, must arm in self-defence ;
And armaments involve expense :
Expense taxation means—my curse;
Despotic power alone is worse :
Your masters thus myself amerce.

Oh, how I wish I could retrench!
But I must keep pace with the French,
And for the Russians stand prepared,
The cost whereof I should be spared,
To shake your yokes off if you dared.

Rise, therefore, and your rights assert,"
Ye Peoples, trodden in the dirt.
Strike for your freedom, nations brave,
Whom monarchs absolute enslave :
And so enable me to save.

Oh! when shall I pursue Reform
Again, secure from foreign storm,
And cultivate economy ?
For that my peaceful aim would be,
My Peoples, if you were but free.

a poor turkey.

The Sultan must be very hard up, for we read that, at
the last sitting of the Divan, he has been sending the
Hatt round.

MIRACLES FOR (AND BY) THE MILLION.

Miracles in the South of France seem to sprout as thick as truffles.
We suspect that young girls are trained, as dogs are, to turn them up.
Depend upon it, they are born with a spiritual scent, that lies that
way. Most of the girls, so singularly patronised, are shepherdesses, so
that they may be skilled in catching a miracle either by hook or by
crook. The suspicious part of the miracle is, that they are all visionary
—so visionary that not more than one person can see them at a time.
The vision is invariably a short-sighted one. There has been a fine
theatrical vision of this kind at Lourdes, in the Hautes Pyr6n6es. It
has resulted in a miraculous spring. These visions have this in common
with Artesian wells, that if you bore sufficiently long, you are sure to
get water out of them. In this manner, the French public will endure
any amount of boring.

The knowing Priests speculate largely in these springs. To them it
is a fountain of wealth, as well as a spring-tide of popularity. No
sooner is a new aquatic miracle tapped, than instantly it is bottled, and
sold, at so much the flacon, to any one whose stomach and mind are
weak enough to swallow it. It has become quite a roaring trade
amongst spiritual drunkards. The Romish Church has a cellrr-full of
such miracles. The Pyrenees alone must have supplied some of the
choicest bins. We can imagine a connoisseur of an Archbishop saying
to one of his black-robed butlers, " Here, good father Loyola, please
go down to the cellar, and bring me up a bottle of that fine old mira-
culous Fontaine of '52. It must be in first-rate condition now, and
would almost save a heretic from perdition. You will know it by its
having the Pope's red seal upon it. It is next to last year's vintage of
the Eau Miraculeuse de la Gardeuse de Dindons, the crystal fluid of
which, I need not tell you, is an infallible specific, as testified by our
holy church, for curing all warts, pimples, and freckles, as well as
grog-blo3soms."

Are these sacredly-gushing waters, with the healing properties that
are mockingly ascribed to them, sold with printed testimonials, such

as usually accompany a bottle of Cod Liver Oil, or one receives wrapped
round a box of wonderful Pills ? But what surprises us the most is,
that these visions are only seen by Roman Catholics ! You never hear
of a Protestant being favoured with a celestial vision, and we do not
think that there is a case on record of a Dissenter being the selected
hero of an affidavited apparition. Methodists, too, are slighted in the
same invidious way—which is a great shame.

It would seem as though the Roman Catholic religion enjoyed the
exclusive monopoly of miracles. And may it long enjoy that monopoly,
say we, for we do not think we should rejoice over much, if our
countrymen were troubled with visions like the Roman Catholics. It
must be confessed, auricularly or not, that the two sects see truths
with quite a different vision.

A Work of Supererogation.

Mr. Harrison, the vocalist, writes a sensible and satisfactory letter
to the papers, stating that no accident can ever occur at Drury Lane
theatre, in case of a panic, as Miss Pyne and he have ordered so many
passages and doors to be opened that the house can be emptied in ten
minutes. While crowded houses are drawn by Mr. Balpe's capital
music, these precautions are desirable. But we think it was needless
for the management further to provide for the emptying the theatre by
getting up Martha.

Dean Swipt's second daughter by his third wife, Martha Blount,
was named Camilla, and was very ugly. Her father was very fond of
joking with her on her ugliness. One day he took up Pope's Essay on
Criticism, just published, and said, " Milly, wench, here's a line that
describes you when you are washing your face." " What's that, Sir ? M
replied the girl, laughing. The Dean read,—

" Not so when Swift's Camilla scours the plain."

—From Punch's Literary Anecdotes