Punch (35.1858)

OTt THE LONDON CHA"RIVAK1. 183

" Wnr, Jack! what's the matter? You look deuced queer!"

" Yaas ! You see, I've gone into Business. I but Clay Pipes at a penny

a-piece, and smoke 'em till they are black, and then sell 'em for a guinea ;
but it 's precious hard work, I can tell you."

A SONG WITHOUT SENTIMENT,

After the Manner of One with.

No. Willie, we've not missed you !

There's no truth in what you've heard;
They said it but to "sell" you,

To believe it were absurd.
I would not hurt your feelings,

Yet 'tis well the truth be known ;
We get on best without you,

So pray don't hurry home !

One can sleep in peace and quiet,

Willie, now that you're away;
For you know you were a late bird,

And ne'er perched till break of day.
Now, no more your spirit-rapping

In spirit makes us groan,
As when nightly you got groggy,

And at four meandered home.

Then those rackety "old schoolfellows "

Who would keep dropping in,
What a nuisance was their " sky-larking,"

Their drinking and their din !
How filthy were one's dresses

With the odour from their pipes :
While you ran one's servants' legs off,

Sending hourly out for "swipes."

Oh, Willie, now you're gone, dear,

What happy days we've passed !
No rows, love, now disturb us;

Ah ! such sunshine cannot last-.
Yet we've heard no news abour, \ou,

So perhaps to grief you've come ;
Oh, we get on best without, you,

Willie, pray don't hurry home !

Tale of a Kite.

The Papers tell an appalling story about an Irishman,
who, flying a great kite, was carried away by it, and borne
across the country until stopped by a stone wall. We had
thought that it was no uncommon feat in Ireland for a
gentleman to "fly a kite," and soon afterwards to find
himself stopped by four stone walls.

DISRAELI CHECKMATING MORPHY.

Morphy promises to meet with a formidable rival in our ingenious
Chancellor oe the Exchequer. The play of the latter with Reform
is just as clever as the play of the former with Chess. He is intent at
present upon four games, any one of which would puzzle the skill of
an ordinary player. He has a game of Reform pending with the Pro-
tectionists. We are afraid that he will have to sacrifice two or three
strong pieces in order to mask his play, and lure his antagonists on to
their ultimate destruction. He has also a game in agitation with the
Whigs. His great foe here is Lord John, who will give the " won-
drous boy who wrote Alroy" no little trouble to beat him. Most likely,
it will be a drawn game, and will have to be fought over again at some
future opportunity. The enemy, however, whom Dis dreads the most,
is the board at the head of which are clustered in firm conclave some
of our strongest-headed Liberals. If they detect any weakness in his
tactics,_ you may be sure they will instantly take advantage of it, and
mate him to a certainty. There is, likewise, a little bit of play with
Palmerston ; but it is on so small a scale that it matters but little
which way it turns.

The rumours are, that Disraeli will win the first game; that the
second, after a vast display of skill on both sides, will be a drawn
game; that with the third, supposing the play is close, compact,
vigorous, and determined on the part of the Liberals, the chances of
victory will lean strongly on their side ; and as for the fourth, that
Loup Palmerston will see at a very early period the propriety of
retiring from so unequal a match.

Thus. Disraeli is at the same time playing a blindfold game with
four different parties, all of whom are picked celebrities in the political
game of Chess. Supposing he comes off the winner, his renown will
be correspondingly all the greater; hut it is ridiculous to conjecture
the result of any contest in which Disraeli has a competing finger ;
for where is the clever man, who would take upon himself to say,
though playing with his eyes wide open, that he was up to Dizzy's
moves from one day to another P

THE WET SUNDAY OF SCOTLAND.

The Horning Starh&s thrown some light on the statistics of drunk-
enness in Edinburgh by publishing the fact, to which Mr. M'Laren
has candidly called the attention of the Edinburgh Town Council, that
4,874 persons in the last year, out of a total of 7,785 drunken arrests,
had, for their own protection alone, to be conveyed to the lock-ups by
the police. "Ought they to occupy the time of the police without
being punished?" asked Mr. M'Laren. To talk about punishing
them was easier than to do it, which the Magistrates, Mr. M'Laren
was informed, had tried, and found they could not get through the
work, though they set at it. from ten in the morning till ten at night.
According to Professor Dick, quoted also by the Star, the number
of drunken women taken to the police stations was greatly increasing,
in token of the success of restrictive legislation on whiskey. It appears
that the ladies, not being able to drink in public-houses, get tipsy in
private dwellings. Scotch Sabbatarianism certainly manages to
prevent walking. The end of it is, that increasing numbers of the
Scotch are unable to go or stand, and keep their day of rest hy snoring
in the gutter or the station-house.

What to Believe, and How to Believe it.

" Listen patiently, like a clever fellow, and believe goodnaturedly
as much as your judgment will allow you. Laugh pleasantly at the
remainder. Eor instance, a recommendation to put salt on a bird's
tail, if you wish to catch it,, is a piece of advice which you will be wise
to take cum grano salis."—The Hermit of the Hoy market.

an opening eor a strong diplomatic appetite.

A Grand dinner has been given in Spain to M. de Lesseps. Con-
sidering the number of these dinners, oue would imagine that the
i Isthmus of Suez was to he cut with a knife and fork!