Punch (35.1858)

Adgust 7, 1858.J

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI

51

A DESIDEBATUM.

" To Mr. Punch.

" Sir,

"Like your correspondent, John Stout, the
week before last, I have the misfortune to hold what is
facetiously called a ' sitting' in a West End Church. It is
chiefly frequented by the upper circles, and these 'upper
circles' have so alarmingly increased in diameter since
the ladies took to steel jupes, that I find my once spacious
' sitting' reduced to the narrowest of perches. Now, Sir,
as we are all supposed to be equal in church, and to leave
outside the porch oar worldly conceits and social dis-
tinctions, would it not be well if these 'jupes' could be
so contrived as that the lovely wearers might deposit
them in the vestibule of the church, to be called for, like
the carriages, at the conclusion of the service ? ' Lady
Balloon's crinoline stops the way!' would be a cry quite
borne out by the fact; and, though ' The Duchess op
Heavystern's jupe just pulled on!' might give rise to
misinterpretatior n minds inclined to levity, I cannot
doubt that service of Ecclesiological linkmen might soon
be organised, with a series of cries that would not create
any double-entendre, or give umbrage to the most fastidious.

" I cannot think that the machinery required would be
complicated. The fair wearers of these elaborate fardin-
gales, on arriving at the church door, might gracefully duck
out through an aperture in the side, like the entrance to
a bell-tent, and enter their fortification again, after the
service in the same manner, raising the skirts of their robes
when inside, and letting them drop modestly and inoffen-
sively over the upper edge of the steel-ribbed erection.

" An extra beadle might be laid on to watch over the
jupes and crinolines during the service, and to see that
the idle boys and girls of the neighbourhood did not take
advantage of them for temporary encampment, or hide
and seek.

" I beg to offer this suggestion for the benefit of all unfor-
tunate church bodkins like myself, and am, Mr. Punch,

" Your obedient servant,

EFFECTS OF THE THAMES WATER ON THE PRETTY WHITE SWANS. \ "Samuel Squeezable."

DISSIPATION.—A TALE OE CEEMOENE.
& Nobel of the Bag.
(Continued from page 38.)

" These is nothing like a squeedge of a lemon and a mouthful of
air for bringing a party up to time," remarked the Slasher, as he
applied those remedies to the insensible Lady Harriet, who had
been carried into Saville House in a fainting fit—"there, my Lady,"
he added, "you are now ready for more punishment, though you seem
to be hit hard this time."

" For Heaven's sake, take me home, my dear Aunt," cried the
panting and lovely creature, "the Slasher has proved an able nurse,
and I am quite well now, and a quiet weed at home will set me all
right again."

The Duchess, who had taken the precaution of reading St. Clair's
note, during Lady Harriet's temporary indisposition, asked no
question as to the cause of it, and Lady Harriet dissembled her
feelings so well, that she returned to a dinner party at home that
evening, and accompanied the Duchess to the Opera and five evening
parties, with meet semblance of gaiety.

With an aching heart Lady Harriet attended to all her fashionable
duties, and made a point of being the constant companion of her Aunt
to Court, and St. Barnabas, and the Committees of the " Prize Ring
Benevolent Association," and of "the Used-up Swells," besides going
regularly to Cremorne, and tne Eagle. Nobody except herself knew
how much sorrow was concealed beneath her smiling expression of
face. She had not positively lost St. Clair, as the Sheriff of Middle-
sex had provided comfortable quarters for him in the Queen's Bench,
at the suit of Mr. Moss, and the Captain "was far from unhappy in
the enjoyment of racquets by day, and blind hookey by night, at both
of which exciting amusements a great deal of ready money changed
hands, which the creditors of the sporting players would have much
liked to handle.

An important event was close at hand—the majority of our heroine.

The beau monde were all on the qui vive, and all sorts of contra-
dictory rumours about Lady Harriet's fortune were widely circulated.
Lady Tittletattle went about everywhere sowing gossip broadcast,
declaring at one party that Lady Harriet was ruined by play, and at
another that she was worth more than the Maequis of Westminster.

In spite of all rumours, fetes were inaugurated in various places to
commemorate the event. The Poet Laureate to the P. R. wrote a
brilliant sporting Ode in Bell's Life; the tenantry on the Yorkshire
and Kentish Estates were to be feasted, and the children in all the
villages on the property had notice of expansion by tea and buns,—the
sporting world nailed with acclamation a positive announcement that
horses were already in training for the Two Thousand Guinea Stakes
and the Derby,—and it was rumoured that Lady Harriet was going
to ride the Liverpool Steeplechase.

The important day arrived, and precisely at 12 o'clock the smiling
lawyers went through their part of the performance, the deeds were
signed, and without any visible emotion, Lady Harriet Dasher took
leave of her trustees, and began the world on a splendid fortune.

So many thousands of the aristocracy came to leave their cards, that
the whole of the A and B division of Police had to keep the streets
about the Duchess op Blazes's Mansion, and the last morning
visitors had scarcely given the knocker time to cool, before the guests
who had been invited to the Banquet in the evening re-commenced the
bombardment at the door.

Shortly before the hour of dinner the Duchess went into her niece's
boudoir to lead her into the Drawing-room. Guess her horror and
surprise at finding the room empty! The only explanation of Lady
Harriet's absence was a placard pinned to the lace cover of the
dressing glass, " Stole away! H. D."

.********

Months had rolled away, and no trace of Lady Harriet could be
found. Her horses and doers had been sold at Tattersall's by Snaffle,
the Horsedealer, who could neither be bribed nor bullied into disclosmg
her whereabouts. The only other confidants of the secret were Crino-
line her Maid (now Mrs. Policeman X.) and her husband, who
acted as butler to her Ladyship, in the Albany, where she had taken
Chambers under a feigned name.

There was one person, however, who was determined to unravel the
mystery, even though he used the power of the Church; and wheL
Snaffle went to confession, which he was never too ready to do, for
fear of being drawn into revelations of tips on coming events, and other
little professional matters, the Rev. Seidell Silvertongtje (for he was
the staunchest sleuth-hound in the quest of Lady Harriet) refused
him absolution in toto until the secret of her whereabouts was disclosed.
Poor Snaffles, to use his own expression, " found a man who could