Punch (35.1858)

July 3, 1858.]

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

3

PUNCH'S ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.

ox day, June 21. The one
absorbing topic in bot,h
Houses of Parliament, during
the week, was the Conspi-
racy to Poison question. Of
the guilt of that old offender,
Pather Thames, there was
the most ample evidence pre-
sented to the Houses, and
the complicity of various
other parties—as the Central
Board of Works, the Dock
and Gas Companies, the Chief
Commissioner of Works, the
Sewage Boards,and others dis-
tinctly criminated—was only
a question of degree. Both
Houses concurred in desiring
i mmediate remedial measures,
but, as usual, nothing was
done. In other words, the
awful stench from the river
was so pestilential, that it be-
came matter of consideration
whether the Senate should
not fly from the unequal con-
flict. Me. Gurney, who ven-
tilates the place, gave formal
notice that he would no longer be responsible for the health of the
members, as his reservoir of air in Star Chamber Court was now
poisoned. The judges hastened to shut up their Courts, and every-
body who could get away from the locality hastened to do so.

Under these circumstances it would be a departure from that justice
on which Mr. Punch particularly prides and piques himself, did he
apply any severe rule to proceedings carried on amid so much dis-
couragement. He did all that became a patriot and a man. He sent
a box of Caklon's very best cigars (the same which Mr. Punch himself
smokes) to each Member of the Lords and Commons, with a beautiful
little silver box inscribed with the Member's name, and holding
Vesuvians. He sent a splendid great Meerschaum and a quarter of
a ton of Cavendish to Mk. Denison, the Speaker. He, further,
invited the Houses to adjourn to his place, volunteering to put his own
room at the disposal of the Lords, and the publishing office at that of
the Commons. Chelmsford might, Mr. P. said, sit on his inverted
waste-paper basket, and the new coalscuttle should be turned up for
Derby. There was room for the whole House of Commons on the
counter down-stairs, Palmerston might get upon the shelf, and the
cat should resign her corner to Mr. Roebuck. Mr. Punch continues
the invitation, adding that he will with pleasure stand beer to the
Senate whenever desired. Had the Lord Mayor, and the mock
Fathers of the City, shown a tenth part of Mr. Punch's energy, some-
thing might have been done towards arresting the plague ; but their
energies are exhausted in defending the rotten old Corporation, and in
trying to do gaol schoolmasters out of their salary ; for which latter
offence, by the way, Lord Campbell gave " persons high in the City "
a most withering wipe. " He was astonished at such a defence."

On Monday, the day being fearfully hot, the Coolies were very pro-
perly selected as a theme by the Bishop oe Oxford, and Government
was urged to see that we did not practise the Slave Trade under
another name. Lord Malmesbury said, that Lord Derby thought
the Lords would have quite time enough to discuss India when the
subject came regularly before them. Grey hoped they were not going
to be hurried, and Clanricarde thought that the Indian rubber ought
to be played out at once without any more shuffling and cutting.

The Commons had a very good debate on the Paper Duty. Mr.
Milner Gibson moved a resolution condemnatory of the tax, and
made an excellent speech against it. Mr. Ingram ably pointed out
its impolicy and unfairness, and Mr. Salisbury pleaded the cause of
the working-man. Mb. Aybton and Mr. Cowan also denounced the
duty, and Mr. Disraeli, as Chancellor of Exchequer, made the usual
answer ; namely that he should like to get rid of the tax if he could,
but that he couldn't. Mr. Bright drove the nail further in with
some of his vigorous hammering. The two Whigs, Lewis and
Russell, made faint opposition to the resolution, and Mr. Henry
Drummomd said a petulant thing or two; not because he liked the
paper duty, but because he disliked some of its opponents, a logical
proceeding not uncommon with certain theologians. However the
House agreed, without division, that the maintenance of the paper
dues as a permanent source of income would be impolitic. Down will
o the duty one of these days, and then Mr. Punch will be enabled
o add another fifty or sixty thousand a year, (which he now pays to
he Crown) to the salaries of his young men.
The House then voted £563,435 for educational purposes, in order

to qualify the people to read the books which the removal of the
paper duty will place in their hands.

Tuesday. On the Bill for improving the Divorce Act, Lord Redes-
dale found fault with the Divorce judges for getting over their work
too fast, for which impertinence Lord Campbell gave Redesdale a
good wigging. This did not prevent S. Oxon from talking similar
nonsense, but the bill passed. Lord Carlisle then wanted to present
a petition from the Quakers against Church Rates, but as the haughty
Friends had not described their appeal as the "humble" petition, the
equally haughty Lords kicked it out. S. Oxon made a sort of joke
on presenting another petition in the contrary direction, and got
' a laugh."

The Commons passed a resolution against Members of their House
advocating any measure for any pecuniary fee or reward. This was
directed against the lawyers, and they felt it, and one after another
jumped up to protest against such an insult; but Lord Hotham, the
mover, persevered, and the very Broad Hint was registered by 210
to 27. The lawyers had previously voted 80 strong, to get rid of the
motion altogether, but like the Tories on the first night of Addison's
Cato, they afterwards echoed the applause "to show that the hit was
unfelt" Mr. Roebuck, of course, introduced a personal anecdote of
himself, stating that on its being sought to get him on the side of the
Queen oe Oude, he said, " Sir, what the Devil do you mean ? "—a
story of profound interest in British history.

Wednesday. A Bill for making partners in trade register their names
publicly was a good deal resisted, and withdrawn. The state of the
House from the river odours was so bad that Members kept out ot
doors, and only popped in their heads now and then to cry " hear,
hear." Luckily there was no evening sitting.

Thursday. Lord Brougham took great pains to explain an excellent
Conveyancing Bdl of his, and then—withdrew it.

In the Commons the Corporation Reform Bill was debated, very
dully. And then the India Bill was read a second time. This is No. 3
of the attempts at legislation, and very eccentric betting is being
offered as to its fate.

Friday. In both Lords and Commons the most energetic protests
were made about the state of the river. " Stench," cried the Duke
op Buccleugh. " You do not exaggerate," said Lord Malmesbury.
" Cholera, typhus, and the plague," were the Duke of Newcastle's
words. " Enormous evil," said Lord Granville. " Never smelt such
a smell," quoth Earl Grey. "Pestilential," said Lord Wynfokd.
And the same sort of outcries broke from the exasperated Commons.
Nevertheless, as aforesaid, nothing is to be done—first we are to wait
for a report of a committee, and then to see whether the country will
agree to pay for purifying the river, or meanly insist on the whole
expense being borne by London.

The Lord Mayor made a speech against Rag Pair, and the India
Bill went forward, Lord Pam twice trying to make alterations, and, on
both his attempts, being defeated by a large majority. Should either
House survive another week, Mr. Punch will resume his report in his
next publication. _

THE RATE OP HANDS AT MANCHESTER.
An interesting trade report from Manchester informs us that—

" There is no further giving way in prices. Little business is done, because
spinners remain firm at their former quotations."

What manner of market is this in which spinners remain firm at
their former quotations ? Is not " spinners " a term convertible with
" spinsters ? " The continuation of the report seems to afford a
decisive answer to that question:—

" A slight concession might lead to considerable sales, but spinners are so fully
engaged that they are not disposed to concede anything in price. Domestics and
T cloths are in fair demand, other kinds remain as before."

These are rather mercenary spinsters, however, if, notwithstanding
that they are engaged, they are yet willing to sell themselves at a
certain price, although a high one. Widows are not quoted in the
Manchester matrimonial trade-report; wherefore they may be inferred
to be a drug in the market. Wives, our Prench readers will please to
observe, are likewise not mentioned at all. We are gratified by the
information, that Domestics are in fair demand, but sorry to find that
they take with them their tablecloths, or rather the tablecloths of their
masters and mistresses, which we understand to be meant by the
T cloths of Manchester slang, and the cognate dialect of the rag-and-
bone-shop. _

Joint Stock River Banks.

The Banks of the Thames are rich in Deposits, forming wealth
of which the quantity is immense. In the event of a panic being
created by Typhus or Cholera, it may be well to bear in mind that
these banks are constituted on the principle of unlimited liability.