Punch (35.1858)

io PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [July 3, 1858.

Dealer. "There! I don't know where to find a Fault with him!"
Customer. " But he's got such a Beastly Tail !"

Dealer. "Beastly Tail! There neve a was a Bad Rat-tailed Oss. Why we go miles to find 'bus

THE HUMBLE PETITION OF FATHER THAMES.

To the Lord Mayor and Court of Conservancy.

Sheweth :—
That I am terribly put upon on all sides.

That all kinds of filth are flung at me, and that I am abused for the
dirt of others.

That, the saying of " Throw plenty of mud, and some of it is sure to
stick," was never more painfully exemplified than in my own unsavoury
person.

That the blackness of this treatment is but too evident to any one
who looks at me, either on the right, or the left side, where the blackest
mud has been heaped upon me to such an extent that, when I look
at my bemired self, my stomach rises not less than my indignation, and
the water comes involuntarily into my eyes.

That these offences bring me into ill-odour with every one.

That the purity of my whole life has been poisoned with such foul
courses.

That, in consequence of being made the receptacle of everything
that is nasty, impure, repulsive, and pestilent, my career has been
made, not only distasteful to myself, but positively offensive to others.

That the source of my happiness is tainted, and the character I once
enjoyed for sweetness and cleanliness, so thoroughly dirtied and
befouled,^that even children turn up their noses at me.

That, feeling my nature is capable of sweeter things, I solemnly
declare that 1 cannot live long under these noxious aspersions.

That the whole current of my being is agitated, and my rest dis-
turbed, by the unclean life that the long-continued neglect of your
Honourable Board forces me shamefully to lead.

That your Honourable Board should take into generous consideration
that as you, gentlemen, make my bed, so am I, Father Thames, com-
pelled, unfortunately, to lie in it.

That as I am deeply anxious to cleanse myself in the estimation of
the public, as well as to pursue for the future a cleaner path, I beg
to request that your Honourable Board will adopt such means, and

vote them liberally into the bargain, as may henceforth induce men no
longer to hold their nostrils with tlie profoundest disgust as often as
they have occasion to pass by me.

Until then, your Petitioner regrets (and the regret lies heavy
and stinging as a blister on his bosom) that he must ever
prey on the weak and the delicate, and all the poor of heart
and body, whose poverty of pocket compels them to dwell in
his corrupt neighbourhood.

ABSURDITIES OF LEGAL UNIFORM.

Talk of the barbarity of compelling soldiers to wear bearskin-caps
and brass-helmets during the late broiling weather ! What is that to
the cruelty of making learned Counsel load their heads, at such a
season, with those preposterous wigs ? The absurdity of the forensic,
as compared with that of the military head-dress, is as ten to one; for
it is in any case necessary that brains which are to be employed in
pleading should be kept cool, whereas the temperature of those which
may be destined to be blown out is a matter of comparative small
importance. The heated state in which the heads of pleaders are kept
by their ridiculous wigs may perhaps be the cause of the intemperate
language which too many of them are sometimes guilty of using.

Hebrew Nursery Rhyme.

To the Lordth ve go'th up, up, up,

To the Commonth com'th down, down, down ;
Then ve go'th backvuth and forruth,

And then ve falPtk to the ground !

the eirst jocular attempt of soyer.

"Everybody's Sauce " {Source)— Adam and Eve—Oh, M. Soyer !

M. Soyer!!