Punch (35.1858)

244 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [December 18, 1858,

There's some pleasure in giving anything to that industrious body, Mrs. Slopples—even
the old Crinoline that my Lady Bountiful gave her when the cold weather set in, she has
turned to some account. need apply."

THE HOUSE TELEGRAPH.

A Telegraph all over London? The wires brought
within 100 yards of every man's door ? A Company esta-
blished to carry it out P

Well—I don't know. There's a good deal to be said on
both sides.

It certainly would be pleasant to be within five minutes
of such a message as " Dine at the Club with me at seven ;"
or " Squattleborough Junctions " at six premium
—I've sold your hundred, and paid in the cash to your
account; " or "Little stranger arrived safe this morning at
twelve, mamma and baby doing well;" and one might
occasionally be grateful for such a warning as " Kite and
Pounce took out a writ against you this morning—Look
alive;" or " Jawkins coming to call on you; make yourself
scarce."

But think, on the other hand, of being within five
minutes of every noodle who wants to ask you a question j
of every dun with a "little account;" of every acquaint-
ance who has a favour to beg, or a disagreeable thing to
communicate. With the post one secures at least the three
or four hours betwixt writing the letter and its delivery.
When I leave my suburban retreat at Brompton, at nine
a.m. for the City, I am insured against Mks. P.'s anxieties,
and tribulations, and consultings, on the subjeet of our
little family, or our little bills, the servants' shortcomings,
or the tradesmen's delinquencies, at least till my return to
dinner. But with a House-Telegraph, it would be a per-
petual tete-a-tete. We should all be always in company, as
it were, with all our acquaintance. Good Gracious, we
should go far to outvie Sib, Boyle Roche's famous bird,
and be not in two places only, but in every place within
the whole range of the House-Telegraph' at once. Solitude
would become impossible. The bliss of ignorance would
be at an end. We should come near that most miserable
of all conceivable conditions, of being able to oversee and
overhear all that is being done or said concerning us all
over London! Every bore's finger would be always od
one's button; every intruder's hand on one's knocker;
every good-natured friend's lips at one's ear !

No—all things considered, I don't think society is quite
ripe for the House-Telegraph yet. If it is established I
shall put up a plate on my door with " No House-Telegrams

OUR DISCOURTESY TO OUR ALLIES.
Mb. Dbummond instructs Mb. Bright that—

The hatred of this nation by the French is obvious to every one who will take

A WHIP FOR THE CONFESSIONAL.
To Mr. Punch.

Dear Sir,

the pams of'examining into the subject. Not a month ago tnere was a lontr and j « A r t nw mp to call VOlir attention to the SYlhioined anneal

virulent aUack upon us for purposely insulting the Parisians in their own city by j , . , f "7 . A% auenUOn 10 Uie SUUJOineu appeal

wearing clothes of such shape and colour as no mam who values the d< cciicy of his j "0 benighted toiimoduies :
appearance would wear in London."

This is a fact for Sir F. Head, as well as for Mr. Bright. It may
show Sir Fiddlestick how determined his French friends are lo find
fault with us, and how hopeless on our part is any endeavour to please
them. If they are determined to se.p insults in the costume of our
countrymen in Paris, they will find affronts in all that we may do, or
refrain from doing, in regard to them. Were we to abstain from
making any remarks on them and their affairs, they would accuse us of
contemptuous silence; if we set to and praised their manners, customs,
institutions, and the acts of their Government, they would charge us
with irony. Perhaps the best way to avoid quarrelling with them is,
to assail them and their rulers with the greatest possible vehemence,
because that will make them think that they are of some importance
in our eyes. We have not resented their abuse and vituperation with
sufficient seriousness. We have not duly repaid the rancour of their
furious journalists and Colonels. This is unjust and uncomplimentary.
1 he invectives and reptoaches of a great nation are nor, to be received !

with smiles. We must not expect to preserve our temper and also our j " Martha Jolly.

alliance with a high-spirited and sensitive people. „ „ 0 _ , , , _ , J

r S. Catch a weasel asleep, iou must get up early to take me in.

- ~ —S Barnabas—what does S. mean? Saint? no, snake I say, snake in

Quite out of the Question. the grass. Ah, drat'em!"

m It is difficult to believe that the practice of calling the natives .

niggers, and otherwise treating them with rudeness, cau ever have ! . XT „. . x, .

prevailed among the Company's officials -at least, those who belonged \ A New Want of the ASe-

to the Civil Service.

" S. Barnabas, Pimlico.—The S. Barnabas Church Association solicits the Sub-
.■•criptions of the clergy and la\t,y towards defraying the expense incidental to the
hgal proceedings instituted ou behalf of the Rev. Alfred Poole Subscriptions,
cr ossed cheques, or post-office orders will be thankfully received at the London and
County B-mk, Knightsbridge ; or by John Thomas Hayes, 5, Lyall Pjace, Eaton
Square, Treasurer."

" There they go, you see, Sir, with their nasty superstition! Crossed
cheques they want, do they ? they must have their cheques crossed,
must they?—oh! I wish I was the Bishop: I'd check 'em; I've no
patience with their good-for-nothing Popery. I should like to take a
good stick, and lay it across their shoulders ; that's the way I'd cross
'em; crossing cheques, indeed ; it's as bad as the gipsies, I declare,
wanting their hands crossed with silver! Two-shilling pieces they'd
prefer, I suppose, because of the cross upon 'em Well, there, if they
bad to wait for money till they saw the colour of mine, it would be a
long time first. None of your crossings and confessionals for

" Your constant reader,

So numerous are the accidents that occur almost daily with regard1
a p p tup- *° ^ies' dresses, that most of the London hospitals have determined

tl p tv nrr :7"b introducing the " Pointed Style" into upon providing fresh accommodation for such special cases by throw
aV, « t V iS'..s -oernaTj Osborne to Sir Bbnjamin the other ins open additional compartments, which are known as " Crinoline
aay; Look what a mess Bulwer Lytton has made of it! " Wards." They are three times as spacious as any other ward.