DOI issue:
June 3, 1865
DOI Page / Citation link:https://doi.org/10.11588/diglit.16875#0230
222
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI
[Junb 3, 1865.
I
I
A CIVIL NOTE.
Dear Punch, _ _
Will you do us a service ? Will you ask Lord Palmerston
(in your next number, if convenient, as the days will soon have done
growing), when we are to have the Saturday half-holiday ? It is
said, with bis usual kindness, he is quite ready to minister to our wants,
and extend Early Closing to the Government Offices, but the authorities
are mute. A. word from you will open their lips, and abbreviate the
inevitable minuting, and docketing, and registering, and filing. Please
therefore to board the Treasury. Lilacs and laburnums are in bloom,
and it is not unreasonable to expect that we shall soon leave off fires.
The M. C. C. are in the field, and some of us, like the dentists, want to
he at the stumps. Others think it wherry trying to be chained to the
oar on a bright afternoon, when they are longing for the river. Loder
is impatient to make one at a Saturday Review, and take his Minffi to
the butts, whilst Lover is pledged, under the heaviest penalties, to
escort his Minnie to the Crystal Palace Concerts. Indeed, there is a
general desire that the National Shutters should be put up on Satur-
days as early as is consistent with the requirements of the Public
Service. (A neat phrase that last, is it not ? On loan from De Tape-
let, who, when he wishes to vary it, substitutes “ exigencies ” for
“ requirements.”)
The Service have always been your admirers, but if you do not think
it an office foreign to your purpose to call in Downing Street, and get
this matter settled, I am sure we shall more than ever desire that your
exports of weekly numbers and half-yearly volumes to our Colonies
may go on increasing, and your imports of jokes exceed those of any
previous year. We shall be unanimous in wishing you an overflowing
exchequer, with prosperous revenue returns and a most satisfactory
audit; and remembering that you always carry off a first-class certificate
in the Art Department, it is only necessary to express a hope that
it may always be one of your good customs to keep your readers in
transports, and that you may never be superannuated.
I have the honour to be, Mr. Punch,
Your obedient Servant,
A. Senior Clark.
SAVE ME FROM MY FRIENDS.'”
I’d give no rope unto the Pope
Or doctrines Ultra-montane;
Rome, if you choose, you may abuse,
As Babylonian wanton.
To William the Dutchman I
Hold fast with Lord Macaulay—
But save me, sense, from the defence
Of watch-dogs such as Whalley !
I hate a priest, his craft resist,
Hold half his ritual mummery :
Think Church’s claim to bind and loose
Is but audacious flummery :
Abhor the Jesuit arts that make
Black white, and velle nolle.
But grace preserve me from a friend
Who pleads my cause like Whalley !
That monks and nuns are useless drones,
Who wax fat on their neighbours,
Regardless of the wholesome rule
That he best prays who labours,
I do believe, and sore should grieve
If here such locusts crawly
Should settle down, to raise the frown
And prompt the wail of Whalley.
That Puseyism a half-way house
Upon the road to Rome is,
That for straightforward Puseyites
St. Peter’s bark the home is,
I’ve not a doubt, and would lug out
Of our Church, pulley-hawley,
All so arrayed in masquerade,
To make a case for Whalley.
CONVERSATION EOR FIVE MINUTES.
(before dinner.)
Bold Somebody {during an awkward silence). Have you—(to Young
Lady). Have you ever read Hiawatha ?
Young Lady (timidly feeling that something or other depends upon her
reply). Yes. {Fearing she may be called upon for a quotation, adds.) But
| ’twas a long time ago.
Bold Somebody {leading up to his joke, gently). The name of the heroine
was. as you may remember, Minne-haha, the laughing water.
Young Lady {not liking to commit herself). Well-
Bold Somebody {observing that his conversation is attracting general
attention). I dare say she was called by her savage intimates, Minnie.
A few People {tittering). Ha! Ha! Ha!
Bold Somebody. Well, if a cannibal had eaten this heroine {every one
listening) why would he be like a small portrait ?
Young Lady frepeating). If a cannibal had—what ?
Bold Somebody {says it again).
Young Lady. Ah yes ! Is it a riddle ?
Bold Somebody {pleasantly). Yes.
Various People {pretending to have thought over it, and wondering when
dinner will be ready). I don’t know.
Ijady of the House (politely). What is the answer, Mr. Somebody ?
Bold Somebody {repeating the point). He would be like a small por-
| trait, because he’d be a Minnie-chewer.
['Curious sensation felt by everybody. Bold Somebody smiles at
his boots.
Enter Servant.
Servant [very distinctly). Diusermum.
Relief of Guests. Exeunt omnes.
Sir,
PSALMODY IN PUBLIC SCHOOLS.
{To the Editor of Bunch)
I happen to live near a foundation-school, which is, howevei
a charity school for poor children only. The pupils of this institute,
are accustomed to sing the Morning and Evening Hymn ; and I ofte
.iear them practise other psalmody. I think this devotional exercise i
not practised at Eton and the majority of our public schools for th
no than thflt tif ?entl7' Surely, this difference is not caused by an
notion that the singing of psalms is a menial part of divine service, unfi
to be performed by the children of the superior classes ? I only put thi
3.8 3 •/Jr
Query.
But if there’s aught can make me doubt
My feelings Anti-Papal,
It is the lot who of their rot
Such feelings make the staple.
One asks, when hit by Newman’s wit.
And his opponent’s folly,
“ Which road prefer? . . with Newman err,
Or be i’ the right with Whalley ? ”
As life unites all opposites,
As good its force to bad owes,
As pain and darkness seem to be
But light’s and pleasure’s shadows :
This House of Commons’ butt and bore
May not be causeless wholly ;
And John Bull’s Protestant good sense
May need the foil of Whalley.
Political Vagrants.
The Division on the Union Chargeabilit.y Bill shows that Toryism is
going begging. Guardians of the public interests be on the alert.
There is a party in the “House” who mean to apply to the country
for out-door relief. Refuse it, especially about Henley.
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI
[Junb 3, 1865.
I
I
A CIVIL NOTE.
Dear Punch, _ _
Will you do us a service ? Will you ask Lord Palmerston
(in your next number, if convenient, as the days will soon have done
growing), when we are to have the Saturday half-holiday ? It is
said, with bis usual kindness, he is quite ready to minister to our wants,
and extend Early Closing to the Government Offices, but the authorities
are mute. A. word from you will open their lips, and abbreviate the
inevitable minuting, and docketing, and registering, and filing. Please
therefore to board the Treasury. Lilacs and laburnums are in bloom,
and it is not unreasonable to expect that we shall soon leave off fires.
The M. C. C. are in the field, and some of us, like the dentists, want to
he at the stumps. Others think it wherry trying to be chained to the
oar on a bright afternoon, when they are longing for the river. Loder
is impatient to make one at a Saturday Review, and take his Minffi to
the butts, whilst Lover is pledged, under the heaviest penalties, to
escort his Minnie to the Crystal Palace Concerts. Indeed, there is a
general desire that the National Shutters should be put up on Satur-
days as early as is consistent with the requirements of the Public
Service. (A neat phrase that last, is it not ? On loan from De Tape-
let, who, when he wishes to vary it, substitutes “ exigencies ” for
“ requirements.”)
The Service have always been your admirers, but if you do not think
it an office foreign to your purpose to call in Downing Street, and get
this matter settled, I am sure we shall more than ever desire that your
exports of weekly numbers and half-yearly volumes to our Colonies
may go on increasing, and your imports of jokes exceed those of any
previous year. We shall be unanimous in wishing you an overflowing
exchequer, with prosperous revenue returns and a most satisfactory
audit; and remembering that you always carry off a first-class certificate
in the Art Department, it is only necessary to express a hope that
it may always be one of your good customs to keep your readers in
transports, and that you may never be superannuated.
I have the honour to be, Mr. Punch,
Your obedient Servant,
A. Senior Clark.
SAVE ME FROM MY FRIENDS.'”
I’d give no rope unto the Pope
Or doctrines Ultra-montane;
Rome, if you choose, you may abuse,
As Babylonian wanton.
To William the Dutchman I
Hold fast with Lord Macaulay—
But save me, sense, from the defence
Of watch-dogs such as Whalley !
I hate a priest, his craft resist,
Hold half his ritual mummery :
Think Church’s claim to bind and loose
Is but audacious flummery :
Abhor the Jesuit arts that make
Black white, and velle nolle.
But grace preserve me from a friend
Who pleads my cause like Whalley !
That monks and nuns are useless drones,
Who wax fat on their neighbours,
Regardless of the wholesome rule
That he best prays who labours,
I do believe, and sore should grieve
If here such locusts crawly
Should settle down, to raise the frown
And prompt the wail of Whalley.
That Puseyism a half-way house
Upon the road to Rome is,
That for straightforward Puseyites
St. Peter’s bark the home is,
I’ve not a doubt, and would lug out
Of our Church, pulley-hawley,
All so arrayed in masquerade,
To make a case for Whalley.
CONVERSATION EOR FIVE MINUTES.
(before dinner.)
Bold Somebody {during an awkward silence). Have you—(to Young
Lady). Have you ever read Hiawatha ?
Young Lady (timidly feeling that something or other depends upon her
reply). Yes. {Fearing she may be called upon for a quotation, adds.) But
| ’twas a long time ago.
Bold Somebody {leading up to his joke, gently). The name of the heroine
was. as you may remember, Minne-haha, the laughing water.
Young Lady {not liking to commit herself). Well-
Bold Somebody {observing that his conversation is attracting general
attention). I dare say she was called by her savage intimates, Minnie.
A few People {tittering). Ha! Ha! Ha!
Bold Somebody. Well, if a cannibal had eaten this heroine {every one
listening) why would he be like a small portrait ?
Young Lady frepeating). If a cannibal had—what ?
Bold Somebody {says it again).
Young Lady. Ah yes ! Is it a riddle ?
Bold Somebody {pleasantly). Yes.
Various People {pretending to have thought over it, and wondering when
dinner will be ready). I don’t know.
Ijady of the House (politely). What is the answer, Mr. Somebody ?
Bold Somebody {repeating the point). He would be like a small por-
| trait, because he’d be a Minnie-chewer.
['Curious sensation felt by everybody. Bold Somebody smiles at
his boots.
Enter Servant.
Servant [very distinctly). Diusermum.
Relief of Guests. Exeunt omnes.
Sir,
PSALMODY IN PUBLIC SCHOOLS.
{To the Editor of Bunch)
I happen to live near a foundation-school, which is, howevei
a charity school for poor children only. The pupils of this institute,
are accustomed to sing the Morning and Evening Hymn ; and I ofte
.iear them practise other psalmody. I think this devotional exercise i
not practised at Eton and the majority of our public schools for th
no than thflt tif ?entl7' Surely, this difference is not caused by an
notion that the singing of psalms is a menial part of divine service, unfi
to be performed by the children of the superior classes ? I only put thi
3.8 3 •/Jr
Query.
But if there’s aught can make me doubt
My feelings Anti-Papal,
It is the lot who of their rot
Such feelings make the staple.
One asks, when hit by Newman’s wit.
And his opponent’s folly,
“ Which road prefer? . . with Newman err,
Or be i’ the right with Whalley ? ”
As life unites all opposites,
As good its force to bad owes,
As pain and darkness seem to be
But light’s and pleasure’s shadows :
This House of Commons’ butt and bore
May not be causeless wholly ;
And John Bull’s Protestant good sense
May need the foil of Whalley.
Political Vagrants.
The Division on the Union Chargeabilit.y Bill shows that Toryism is
going begging. Guardians of the public interests be on the alert.
There is a party in the “House” who mean to apply to the country
for out-door relief. Refuse it, especially about Henley.