DOI issue:
January 18, 1868
DOI Page / Citation link:https://doi.org/10.11588/diglit.16881#0033
January 18, 18GS.]
2o
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CTTARTVART.
are making remarks on other people. Their best, plan is always to talk
in French, and then there’s very little chance of their being under-
stood. [Swell and Friend shut icp.
Last Act.—Hirderieur d’un cachot a Newgate. Shack Sheppar is
having his portrait taken by Sir William Hogarth. (Why not
Sir Joshua Hogarth while they are about it ?)
Sure Veellearm ’Ogarth {to Shack). Un ties-illustre personnage a
desire conntitre votre physionomie, et ce portrait que je fais de vous
jst destind ....
Shack Sheppar. A Sa Majesle Georges Premier, n’est-ce pas ?
Sir William Hogarth. C’est vrai.
[After awhile enter Georges Premier disguised as one of the chief
Magistrates rf London. He makes various discoveries from
papers given him by Shack Sheppab.
1st English Swell {puzzled). What’s he say ?
His Friend. Well, I’m not quite sure; but {determined not to be
beaten) I think from those papers he finds out that Jack Sheppard is
the rightful heir to the throne of England.
1st English Swell (doubtfully). Put it wasn’t so, was it ?
[.Evidently has hazy notions of history and Harrison Ainsworth.
Last.—Jack escapes out of prison, goes in a boat at a. tremendous pace
down the Thames with the tide, and immediately ajtenvards, at
an equally rapid pace, buck again, against the tide, is pursued by
.Tongatang Vild, escapes up the side of London Bridge, Jonathan
Vild, in a London fog, shoots Bluskine, Shack Sheppar, stabs
Jonathan, and all ends happily with the arrival of a pardon from
Georges Premier, when every one says for the last time, “ Hup,
Hup, Hup, Hooray,” and the Orchestra play “ God Save the Queen.”
MRS. GLASSE ON EDUCATION.
You have read my book ? and you remember my preliminary precept,
“ Pirst catch your hare ? ” Well, my directions are quite as applicable
to the head as to the hare. Education sets one trap, employment
another; but a knowledge-box is not baited with toasted cheese, and
how to tempt a hungry little bumpkin to put his head into it, would
puzzle a Chancellor.
Having caught your hare by hook or by crook, now as to dressing
it. Some esteemed friends will recommend for this purpose a professed
cook, sincerely believing that unless the cook is well dressed—say, in
lawn-sleeves and a silk apron—the hare cannot be. Some zealous
advisers will insist that what you require is a plain cook, and will
perhaps refuse an invitation to dine if you eDgage a chef whose thoughts
run in a jelly-mould, and who has a discriminating taste for syllabubs
and trifles. What do L advise ? Well, I don’t pretend to lead you
out of this dense mist. Your own good sense must be your guiding-
star. Only take care lest while the cooks are chattering in the hall,
your hare, suspended in the pantry, should become a little too gamey.
Whose sauce do I recommend ? Beading, of course. It makes a
“full man.” With respect to Puddings.it has been suggested that
the Cabinet might he improved by putting Punch in it. No doubt
Punch would give the Cabinet a very rich flavour, but then jou must
bear in mind that the Cabinet don’t agree with every one, although
Punch does. I have taken it myself regularly for five-aud-twenty
years, and can say with confidence that there is nothing which contains
so much pure spirit, or gives so much comfort and. support to the
constitution.
Bacon is nourishing, but ralher difficult to digest, and should be
taken sparingly by ihose who suffer from mental dyspepsia. You
should go to Milton if you wish to astonish the natives.
An important branch of education is that which relates to the know-
ledge of tongues. In Walpole’s time, as you have read, a brisk trade
was carried on in tongues. Ministers went into the Borough Market
and bought them—some, I believe, with a bit of riband. Whether
this practice prevails now, I have no means of ascertaining—have you ?
Many tongues which out of doors are distinguished by a strong
flavour—so strong, indeed, as to be unpleasant—become very mild
when brought into the House. They also lose a good deal in weight,
and this will apply to those which are smoked in Town as well as to
those which are sent up from the country. An excellent way to pre-
serve a mild tongue is to hang it up in an office—the higher the better.
— Conversations on Economy, Domestic und Political.
“Very Good Taste, Mr. Punch.”
Her Majesty, by the advice of Mr. Arthur Helps, has published
a l)iary which would, were such a thing possible, endear her still more
to the loving hearts of her people. Praise, even from Mr. Punch, were
an impertinence, but he begs leave t.o say with his usual adroitness,
that Mr. Helps’s advice was admirable, and that Mr. Punch hopes the
Queen may always have such Friends in Council.
SEVEN HUNDRED AND FORTY THIEVES.
Before we pay our Christmas bills, it might be wise in us to ascer-
tain if any of our tradespeople are included among those referred to in
this notice of the Pall Mall Gazette :—
“ An easy and safe method of making money in trade appears to be offered by tbs
use of unjust weights, scales, and measures. During the past year 740 South
London shopkeepers have been convicted of that offence—and have had to pay in
fines £1,070 15s. (id., or rather less tbau £1 9s. per conviction. The general preva-
lence of the practice and the lightness of the fines imposed make the speculation a
good one—especially as in many districts there is no supervision of any kind exer-
cised over the retail dealers, and as in all districts the supervision exercised is
superficial and perfunctory. For every dealer who is fined, there must be scores
who deserve to be fined, and who would be fined were the supervision exercised
active and real.”
The Forty Thieves were few, and their thievery a mere fleabite, com-
pared to the rascality of these Seven Hundred and Forty Thieves. The
Forty Thieves robbed only those who could afford to lose, and they
robbed openly and boldly, and at the risk of being hanged. But these
infamous South London Seven Hundred and Forty Thieves have been,
robbing the poor, probably, more even than the rich, and have been
thieving secretly and sneakingly, at no risk to their necks, merely
paying a small fine if they have chanced to be found out. To a small
tradesman who chooses to act as a big rogue, a fine of nine and twenty
shillings is nothing of a punishment, and never will deter him from
cheating all he can. We can fancy him, indeed, keeping an account
of the profits of his roguery, as an insurance fund for pavment of the
fines which he incurs. The pillory of old was a more sufficing punish-
ment, for except by honest dealing, no one could insure himself
against the inconvenience of standing to be pelted with dead cats and
rotten eggs. But the present age is too refined to suffer such a sight
as a rascal in the pillory, and the only way to punish him is to have his
name exposed in the pillory of the Press. Of every cheating trades-
man convicted of the usage of false measures, or short weights, the
name and the address should be advertised in the newspapers, and
placarded conspicuously in the neighbourhood of his shop. But the
present.is an age of universal easy whitewash, and, when gigantic rail-
way swindlers are allowed to go unpunished for using false accounts,
one really can scarce wonder that petty cheating shopkeepers should
expect to escape punishment for having used false weights.
A RELIC OF THE OPERA.
“By Jove, I’ll write a puff of Santley!” said Mr. Punch, as he
heard that artist conclude his capital Rendering of a capital song
(words by Mr. Latey., music by Mr. Smart) at the Monday Concerts.
He forswore himself, however, only as there is no such party as Jove
now, the sin does not perturb him. The reason was this. Fie found
on his desk, through the kindness of some correspondent or other,
four printed verses in honour of Mr. Santley, and they appear to him
to be so remarkable that he inclines to give them to his readers, instead
of a lyric of his own. They were written before the fire at the Opera
House, and it is a mercy they were not consumed in it. Now, they are
imperishable :—
SANTLEY.
Ob ! sing, my good friend, jovial Santley,
With voice sympathetic and clear,
The homage to artistes most grateful
We ’ll give you, a smile, and. a tear.
i
I 'll think of thee always with pleasure, I
What style, so expiressive, and fine,
So heart-touching, leeling, and tender,
Here’s thy health in a Dumper o£ wine.
Let us to Her Majesty’s go, friends,
This night glorious Santley to see.
Besides there's the gem, charming Tietjen'3,
De Meric, and rare Monoinee.
For when Fi.otow’s swaet Marta's perform'd,
The house then is glorious to see.
And when T-ietjenS sings charming “ Ardita,”
The applause is both frantic and free.
There ! Mr. Santley should be proud, Mr. Punch is proud, and
the author, whoever he be, must be proudest of all.
But this shall not prevent Mr. Punch saying that he hugely admires-
Mr. Santley.
A Certain Specific.
Has it been observed by the Faculty that punctuation is an infallible
remedy for a bad cold, provided the patient stops at home !J
The Effects of Eating Horse-flesh for Supper.—Night
Mare.
2o
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CTTARTVART.
are making remarks on other people. Their best, plan is always to talk
in French, and then there’s very little chance of their being under-
stood. [Swell and Friend shut icp.
Last Act.—Hirderieur d’un cachot a Newgate. Shack Sheppar is
having his portrait taken by Sir William Hogarth. (Why not
Sir Joshua Hogarth while they are about it ?)
Sure Veellearm ’Ogarth {to Shack). Un ties-illustre personnage a
desire conntitre votre physionomie, et ce portrait que je fais de vous
jst destind ....
Shack Sheppar. A Sa Majesle Georges Premier, n’est-ce pas ?
Sir William Hogarth. C’est vrai.
[After awhile enter Georges Premier disguised as one of the chief
Magistrates rf London. He makes various discoveries from
papers given him by Shack Sheppab.
1st English Swell {puzzled). What’s he say ?
His Friend. Well, I’m not quite sure; but {determined not to be
beaten) I think from those papers he finds out that Jack Sheppard is
the rightful heir to the throne of England.
1st English Swell (doubtfully). Put it wasn’t so, was it ?
[.Evidently has hazy notions of history and Harrison Ainsworth.
Last.—Jack escapes out of prison, goes in a boat at a. tremendous pace
down the Thames with the tide, and immediately ajtenvards, at
an equally rapid pace, buck again, against the tide, is pursued by
.Tongatang Vild, escapes up the side of London Bridge, Jonathan
Vild, in a London fog, shoots Bluskine, Shack Sheppar, stabs
Jonathan, and all ends happily with the arrival of a pardon from
Georges Premier, when every one says for the last time, “ Hup,
Hup, Hup, Hooray,” and the Orchestra play “ God Save the Queen.”
MRS. GLASSE ON EDUCATION.
You have read my book ? and you remember my preliminary precept,
“ Pirst catch your hare ? ” Well, my directions are quite as applicable
to the head as to the hare. Education sets one trap, employment
another; but a knowledge-box is not baited with toasted cheese, and
how to tempt a hungry little bumpkin to put his head into it, would
puzzle a Chancellor.
Having caught your hare by hook or by crook, now as to dressing
it. Some esteemed friends will recommend for this purpose a professed
cook, sincerely believing that unless the cook is well dressed—say, in
lawn-sleeves and a silk apron—the hare cannot be. Some zealous
advisers will insist that what you require is a plain cook, and will
perhaps refuse an invitation to dine if you eDgage a chef whose thoughts
run in a jelly-mould, and who has a discriminating taste for syllabubs
and trifles. What do L advise ? Well, I don’t pretend to lead you
out of this dense mist. Your own good sense must be your guiding-
star. Only take care lest while the cooks are chattering in the hall,
your hare, suspended in the pantry, should become a little too gamey.
Whose sauce do I recommend ? Beading, of course. It makes a
“full man.” With respect to Puddings.it has been suggested that
the Cabinet might he improved by putting Punch in it. No doubt
Punch would give the Cabinet a very rich flavour, but then jou must
bear in mind that the Cabinet don’t agree with every one, although
Punch does. I have taken it myself regularly for five-aud-twenty
years, and can say with confidence that there is nothing which contains
so much pure spirit, or gives so much comfort and. support to the
constitution.
Bacon is nourishing, but ralher difficult to digest, and should be
taken sparingly by ihose who suffer from mental dyspepsia. You
should go to Milton if you wish to astonish the natives.
An important branch of education is that which relates to the know-
ledge of tongues. In Walpole’s time, as you have read, a brisk trade
was carried on in tongues. Ministers went into the Borough Market
and bought them—some, I believe, with a bit of riband. Whether
this practice prevails now, I have no means of ascertaining—have you ?
Many tongues which out of doors are distinguished by a strong
flavour—so strong, indeed, as to be unpleasant—become very mild
when brought into the House. They also lose a good deal in weight,
and this will apply to those which are smoked in Town as well as to
those which are sent up from the country. An excellent way to pre-
serve a mild tongue is to hang it up in an office—the higher the better.
— Conversations on Economy, Domestic und Political.
“Very Good Taste, Mr. Punch.”
Her Majesty, by the advice of Mr. Arthur Helps, has published
a l)iary which would, were such a thing possible, endear her still more
to the loving hearts of her people. Praise, even from Mr. Punch, were
an impertinence, but he begs leave t.o say with his usual adroitness,
that Mr. Helps’s advice was admirable, and that Mr. Punch hopes the
Queen may always have such Friends in Council.
SEVEN HUNDRED AND FORTY THIEVES.
Before we pay our Christmas bills, it might be wise in us to ascer-
tain if any of our tradespeople are included among those referred to in
this notice of the Pall Mall Gazette :—
“ An easy and safe method of making money in trade appears to be offered by tbs
use of unjust weights, scales, and measures. During the past year 740 South
London shopkeepers have been convicted of that offence—and have had to pay in
fines £1,070 15s. (id., or rather less tbau £1 9s. per conviction. The general preva-
lence of the practice and the lightness of the fines imposed make the speculation a
good one—especially as in many districts there is no supervision of any kind exer-
cised over the retail dealers, and as in all districts the supervision exercised is
superficial and perfunctory. For every dealer who is fined, there must be scores
who deserve to be fined, and who would be fined were the supervision exercised
active and real.”
The Forty Thieves were few, and their thievery a mere fleabite, com-
pared to the rascality of these Seven Hundred and Forty Thieves. The
Forty Thieves robbed only those who could afford to lose, and they
robbed openly and boldly, and at the risk of being hanged. But these
infamous South London Seven Hundred and Forty Thieves have been,
robbing the poor, probably, more even than the rich, and have been
thieving secretly and sneakingly, at no risk to their necks, merely
paying a small fine if they have chanced to be found out. To a small
tradesman who chooses to act as a big rogue, a fine of nine and twenty
shillings is nothing of a punishment, and never will deter him from
cheating all he can. We can fancy him, indeed, keeping an account
of the profits of his roguery, as an insurance fund for pavment of the
fines which he incurs. The pillory of old was a more sufficing punish-
ment, for except by honest dealing, no one could insure himself
against the inconvenience of standing to be pelted with dead cats and
rotten eggs. But the present age is too refined to suffer such a sight
as a rascal in the pillory, and the only way to punish him is to have his
name exposed in the pillory of the Press. Of every cheating trades-
man convicted of the usage of false measures, or short weights, the
name and the address should be advertised in the newspapers, and
placarded conspicuously in the neighbourhood of his shop. But the
present.is an age of universal easy whitewash, and, when gigantic rail-
way swindlers are allowed to go unpunished for using false accounts,
one really can scarce wonder that petty cheating shopkeepers should
expect to escape punishment for having used false weights.
A RELIC OF THE OPERA.
“By Jove, I’ll write a puff of Santley!” said Mr. Punch, as he
heard that artist conclude his capital Rendering of a capital song
(words by Mr. Latey., music by Mr. Smart) at the Monday Concerts.
He forswore himself, however, only as there is no such party as Jove
now, the sin does not perturb him. The reason was this. Fie found
on his desk, through the kindness of some correspondent or other,
four printed verses in honour of Mr. Santley, and they appear to him
to be so remarkable that he inclines to give them to his readers, instead
of a lyric of his own. They were written before the fire at the Opera
House, and it is a mercy they were not consumed in it. Now, they are
imperishable :—
SANTLEY.
Ob ! sing, my good friend, jovial Santley,
With voice sympathetic and clear,
The homage to artistes most grateful
We ’ll give you, a smile, and. a tear.
i
I 'll think of thee always with pleasure, I
What style, so expiressive, and fine,
So heart-touching, leeling, and tender,
Here’s thy health in a Dumper o£ wine.
Let us to Her Majesty’s go, friends,
This night glorious Santley to see.
Besides there's the gem, charming Tietjen'3,
De Meric, and rare Monoinee.
For when Fi.otow’s swaet Marta's perform'd,
The house then is glorious to see.
And when T-ietjenS sings charming “ Ardita,”
The applause is both frantic and free.
There ! Mr. Santley should be proud, Mr. Punch is proud, and
the author, whoever he be, must be proudest of all.
But this shall not prevent Mr. Punch saying that he hugely admires-
Mr. Santley.
A Certain Specific.
Has it been observed by the Faculty that punctuation is an infallible
remedy for a bad cold, provided the patient stops at home !J
The Effects of Eating Horse-flesh for Supper.—Night
Mare.