Punch (54.1868)

April 25, 1868.]

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

177

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THE CELESTIAL HAT.

THE ANGLICAN LIBERTIES.

Preaching about tbe disestablishment of the Irish Church, the
Rev. Mr. Bellew, who approves of that impending measure, and
further thinks that, as its consequence, the Church of England must
and should be disestablished too, on the evening of last week’s Sunday
bespoke his audience thus :—

“ Wore there not hundreds of churches in England supported entirely on the
voluntary principle—his own for instance? What benefit was the Establishment to
them ? Neither he nor his church received a farthing in the way of endowment.”

There is something in that; and perhaps, if the time for settling the
British Constitution could come over again, many friends of the Estab-
lished Church would wish it re-established on the voluntary principle.
But Mr. Bellew desires that it should not be established at all. He
went on to say :—

“ The Church ol England, as an Establishment, had found itself utterly unable
to deal with a heretical bishop, and therefore might as well cease to be an Estab-
lishment.”

Eair and softly, Mr. Bellew. Wo ho, Sir! Whom do you call
heretical? The Bishop of Natal? If so, Dr. Colenso might
tell you that you’re another. He could say, with justice, that he
holds the Thirty-nine Articles as much as you do. His biblical criti-
cism may, like the successful Easter-piece at the Olympic, be “ all
my eye and Betty Martin,” and it may be as remote from sound
doctrine as that diverting extravaganza is from tragedy, but, whether
sound or unsound, is out of the question. It is not heretical in the eye
ol the law, has never been decided to be by any competent tribunal,
and could only be made so by an ex post facto Fortieth Article. Well,
Mr. Bellew, you could perhaps get that, if the Church ceased to be
an Establishment. But, if you could have a Fortieth Article, you
could also have a Forty First; and Article Forty Two, decreed by
ecclesiastical disciplinarians, might interdict clergymen from earning
an honest penny by reading Shakspeare, and other profane authors, or
by lecturing upon any secular persons or things for the entertainment
of the public. As it is, the Church of England cannot make new
Articles without the consent of the Legislature, which no doubt is
fortunate for Colenso, but may be also lucky for you.

Neat.

“ Your young friend Wigsby should be a good lawyer,” said Smith
to Robinson, “ at least he has a large collection of law books, nobly
bound.” “Sir,” said Robinson, “you appear to think that law is
binding.” Smith has offered a reward for the meaning.

IMPORTANT RAILWAY NEWS.

The past Easter has been marked by the opening of two railways
into wild and savage Northern districts. One is an extension of the
Highland line, and is called the Sutherland Railway; the other is an
extension of the Metropolitan line, and is called the St. John’s Wood
Railway. Of the former, Mr. Punch means to say nothing until he
shall have Inspected it, but the speeches at the inaugural banquet were
very jolly, especially the Duke of Sutherland’s and Lord Ronald
Gower’s (the latter told how a Scotch magistrate, to whom an old
woman called, “0 man, stop my coo !” very properly responded that
he was not a man, but a magistrate), and Mr. Punch is rejoiced in any
improvement which may spare even a few Highland horses the barbari-
ties practised upon them in the tourist season—barbarities which
destroy the pleasure of all travellers except the coarser Cockneys and
the British provincials.

The line which is now open from Baker Street runs through the stern
and frowning wood of Saint John, then takes a district which reminds
one of the glories of Marlborough’s Arms, and finally conducts us into
scenery which, surrounding a famous cottage, may as well be called
Swiss as anything else. Here the rail halts, but it is to be pushed on
to the swarthy moor consecrated by tbe memory of the patriot, John
Straw. Mr. Punch performed the return journey with much ease and
safety, and was not greatly longer in doing it, for sixpence, than he
would have been in an Atlas omnibus, for threepence. The carriages
are new and luxurious, the stations well built and cheerful, and the
clerks and porters are, at present, all affable, and indeed encouraging.
The stern “ Now, jump in ! ” of the Southern district is here exchanged
for the gentle “ As quickly as you please, for our time is up ; ” and the
snapping “ What class ?” is here translated “For which class do you
wish a ticket ? ” These holiday amenities are agreeable, but will dis-
appear as business increases upon a much wanted line.

Mr. Punch, whose hopes, like those of his friend Serjeant Ballan-
tyne, in the boat-case, are of great depth, looks sanguinely (that is to
say, with blood-shot eyes—thanks to the Easter wind) to the develop-
ment of the interesting region which has now been brought within the
range of civilisation. The inhabitants are not ill-conditioned, and some
of them are said to be humane and hospitable, while the spires of more
than one church show that missionary effort has been successfully
directed. Their language has affinity with that of the Pembridge dis-
tricts, and Bayswater, but, probably owing to insufficient drainage, is
less guttural. The amusements of the inhabitants are of the dreary
kind usual among savage tribes ; they frequently meet at each other’s
houses, and voluntarily undergo slow torture, four or more performing
on instruments, and they will often decoy a lecturer or other moun-
tebank from a neighbouring tribe, and reward his imbecile exertions.
They have no history worth naming, but there linger traditions of a
Great Spirit called the Pine-Apple Ghost, who revealed to one of their
ancestors that a murder had been committed somewhere, but who,
with the usual unpractical habit of apparitions, vanished without leaving
his own address or that of the victim. The Government imposts are
collected without material difficulty in this wild district, though at
times it is necessary to resort to the extreme measure of cutting off the
water, and the Fiery Cross has long ceased to be carried save in. the
form of the Hot Cross of the Good Friday bun. There is no reason
against settling in the region, except that the chiefs to whom the
habitations belong are somewhat exacting, and any neglect of their
dues involves a demand, not exactly of black mail, but by a very black
looking male, who is severe about settlers who are unable to settle.
But much will now be done for their advantage. Mr. Punch adds,
however, that the new railway does not take you from the North to
the Baker Street Station, but to a point at a great distance from it,
and you have to make your way through passages, and down stairs,
for a quarter of a mile or less ; and unless you are athletic and in
training, you arrive in time to see the red eye of the City carriages
receding into the distant gloom. This part of the business must be
rectified forthwith, or it will be Mr. Punch's painful duty to be per-
sistent in warnings which will not help dividends.

Potage a la Coster.

Gourmands have been talking horse a good deal lately, but they
have not yet begun to talk donkey—though much of a certain kind of
table-talk may be considered as analogous to the utterance of the
braying animal. No ; but when ass-flesh becomes an article of food—
and why shouldn’t the pony of Hierosolyma be as good as any other ?—
then it will also become a subject of conversation. Let us, then,
observe beforehand that an ass’s head, in brains and everything else,
is equal to a calf’s, and is peculiarly suitable for making moke-turtle.

QUESTION FOR DR. MARY WALKER.

Why ought a Medical Quack to be a Woman?
Because he’s always a Charlotte Anne.