Punch (54.1868)

PRBRUARY 1, 1868.]

45

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

DOG DAYS OUT OF DATE.

How very benevolent we
are, some of us!
How extremely hu-
mane ! Not only do
we relieve the dis-
tresses of our fellow-
men, but we even
minister to the wants
of our fellow-crea-
tures on four legs.
Witness the en-
suing item of recent
news:—

“ Christmas Tree for
Starving Dogs.—A no-
velty in the way of rais-
ing money to help the
Starving Dogs of London
—a Christmas Tree, with
prizes for all visitors—is
in operation this week at
the offices of the Royal
Society for the Preven-
tion of Cruelty to Ani-
mals, in New Bond
Street.”

Out of curiosity, if
not charity, many
persons will very
likely be disposed to
go to inspect this
Christmas-tree for the canine species. They may want to know
whether or no the tree selected to serve for the benefit of the
dogs is, appropriately, dog-wood. It may interest them to examine
the boughs of which the fruit is to be devoted to the bow-wows.
The bark of every tree is silent, but those who cannot expect to
hear this dogs’ tree may wish to see it. They, however, who have
money to give away had better, before they devote any of it to the
succour of starving dogs, wait until they shall have contributed a
sufficiency for the rescue of human outcasts from starvation. The
destitution at the East End ought to be put an end to first, and it will
be soon enough to think of appeasing the hunger of dogs when that of
the famishing inhabitants of the Isle of Dogs has been satisfied. We
know that hungry dogs are not particular about the puddings they eat,
which accordingly cost little, but are still too dear whilst there are
poor people who get no pudding at all.

DR. DISRAELI’S ACADEMY.

Dr. Disraeli requests his pupils to take notice that his Academy
re-opens on the 13th proximo, after the Christmas holidays, and he
hopes to see them ail re assembled on that day in order that their
Education may proceed without further delay.

To the friends of young Conservatives who may not yet have bi;en
confided to Dr. Disraeli’s care he ventures to say that his system of
Education, though conducted upon the most gentle principles, pro-
duces results which may fairly be described as startling. After a few
months of Dr. Disraeli’s tuition a pupil who has previously been so
neglected as to be unable, without an effort, to follow the simplest
argument in favour of improvement, will deliver an eloquent address
in advocacy of radical reform, and the most experienced listener will
not be able to discover that it has not been the one study and object
of the speaker’s life.

Dr. Disraeli respectfully invites the friends and guardians of
youthful Conservatives to attend the speech-nights at tbe Academy
and judge for themselves. He would particularly request their
presence on the nights (of which due notice will be given) when his
pupils will debate the subject of Secular Education, and when some of
those whose backwardness and stolidity have been the grief of their
acquaintances are expected to manifest a most remarkable advance.

References kindly permitted to John Bright, Esq., Birmingham,
to Viscount Cranborne, office of the Quarterly Review, to Robert .
Lowe, Esq., Caine, and to any of her Majesty’s Ministers. Terms
may be known by application to Colonel Taylor, Carlton Club.

The Correct Thing- in Luggage.

Ip the Astronomer-Royal is thinking of going to some foreign
country to observe the total obscuration of tbe Sun announced for this
year, he may perhaps be glad to know that there is such a thing as an
“ Eclipse Portmanteau.”

Horticulture.—In winter your quiet Elower garden is soon changed
into a Bare-%arden.

MAJOR BROWN;

OR, A SHORT CUT TO GLORY.

To the land of the gorilla

Went the dauntless Major Brow n ;
Took he neither scrip nor siller
When he left his native town.

Nothing took he when he started,

Saving leave of Mrs B.;

Nothing said he when they parted.

Only “ You ’ll remember me ! ”

Crossed he then the stormy ocean
In the A 1. packet “ Punch ; ”

Gave he to the sea a notion
Of the things be’d had for lunch.

Called himself a wretched sinner
When the vessel heaved the most
Fancied giving up his dinner
Worse than giving up his ghost.

“ Land at last,” and all the wonders
That are Afric’s soon he knew:

Afric’s native black who plunders,

Kills, and cooks, aud eats you too !

AH the man-and-beastly dangers,

Bird and fish, a fearful host—

Such as welcome little strangers
Like the Major to its coast.

When at first the king of monkeys
Met him with an ugly grin,

Being somewhat in a funk, bis
Bullet barely raised the skin ;

But instead it raised the dander
Of that most malignant ape,

Who, with one adroit left-hander,
Knocked the Major out of shape

After this he got on better;

Killed gorillas by the score :

And an extract from a letter
Dated April, sixty-four,

Says, “ herewith, my dearest cousin.

My return of game I send:

Full-grown monkeys—fifteen dozen;
Smaller animals—no end.”

Years elapsed, and then to London
Homeward travelled Major Brown,
And his great deeds—done and undone—
Soon were common talk in town.

All i he Leo Hunter party
Took the Major by the hand ;

Read his journal, bought his Carte-de-
Visite, and a banquet planned.

So, my friends and fellow-flunkeys,

See how easily fame is won;

Pay your passage, pot your monkeys,
Presto, fly ! the deed is done !

Bag the beasts, as once Orion
Did in Chios—southward roam :

Go abroad, and be a “ lion”—

You ’re an ass to stop at home !

A BOB’S-WORTH OF EDUCATION

No Greek !

No Latin ! !

No Grammar ! ! !

No Moral Philosophy !! !!

N o Logic !!!!!

No History !!!!!!

But instead—

English Language (Miscellaneous).

French and German {ad lib.).

Practical Science (as much as you can get).

Synthetical Mathematics (as little as you please).—

Isn’t either of these, without the other, rather a Lowe view of educa-
tion, after all ?

An Event.—A Sporting Gentleman lately ran his Head against a
Door-post. We have not heard which won.