DOI Heft:
May 30, 1868
DOI Seite / Zitierlink: https://doi.org/10.11588/diglit.16881#0236
May 30, 1868.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
229
HINTS FOR DERBY TALKERS.
ott inform me, my dear
Gerald, in a letter -which
you omitted to prepay,
that, you are going to for-
sake the study of the law
on Wednesday, the 27th,
to accompany your fel-
low-student, Markham
Clinton, his sister and
cousin, and hamper, in
the family barouche, to
Epsom Downs; and you
ask me to supply you
with some materials for
conversation on the way,
telling me, as one of your
trustees, that you are de-
sirous to secure the good
opinion of your friend’s
sister (photograph enclo-
sed), who is two-and-
twenty, of prepossessing
exterior — your expres-
sion, not mine—and the
favourite niece of an aunt
with funded property, in delicate health and Dorsetshire.
Having known you from your perambulator, and being anxious to
see you settled in life, and a roomy house, I am ready to comply with
your wishes, and be your “ Guide to the Turf,” and will do for you
what I have done for millions in previous years in these pages—a_testi-
monial, I am told, is in contemplation, the minimum subscription
five guineas, and the substantial acknowledgment an epergne and an oil
portrait—run through the names of the principal competitors for the
great stakes, and prime you with some stable talk, avoiding technicali-
ties, imparting useful information, and abstaining from any attempt to
vaticinate the Winner of the Derby of 1868, which the newspapers are
sure to say wa« more numerously attended than on any previous occa-
sion, although I have it on the tip of my tongue to put you up to some-
thing which my man told me he heard from his cousin, who is engaged
to the sister of the brother of one of the helpers in the-stable.
Place aux Dames ! Lady Elizabeth. (No indirect opinion i3 meant to
be conveyed that the filly is sure to get a place.) A safe Bet, her
backers say—a good Bet. all will say who have money on the mare
from a florin to a rent-roll, happy as the Day is long, when the Battle
of Hastings is over, and the Elizabethan style has thousands of hoarse
admirers, provided she passes the Judge’s chair first, if only by an
eyebrow. I halt a moment to express my conviction that of all duties,
a Government Whip’s alone excepted, those of a racing Judge must be
the most delicate and difficult.
Rosicrucian. Blanche and her cousin Isabel will be sure to ply
you with searching questions, which your University education may
fail to enable you to answer. Who was Rosicrucian? What was
Rosicrucian ? Why is a horse called Rosicrucian ? I will therefore
deal you out a little of my encyclopaedic information, that you may
pass your examination creditably. The Rosicrucians, then, were a sect
of philosophers (according to their admirers), of impostors (according
to their enemies) who filled the daily papers, and got involved in law-
suits about five-and-a-half hundred ;ears ago, pretending, amongst
other things (see bills of the day in the British Museum), that they
possessed the secret of the philosopher’s stone, a contrivance for
changing the inferior metals—tin, copper, electro-plate, &c.—into gold.
If you, my dear Gerald, have money on the horse, and he wins, you
will be a sincere believer in the power of a Rosicrucian to produce
sovereigns such as the Master of the Mint cannot beat; but if he
loses, you will, with the satiric literature of the time in which the sect
flourished, show him up as an impostor.
Blue Gown. You will find your fair travelling companions (by the
way, I cannot be certain, from the photograph, whether she is light or
dark : if the former, 1 shall use the freedom of calling her likeness a
carte Blanche) very much interested in this steed, its name suggesting
millinery and dress-making observations, which, if you wish to have
rational conversation, you must instantly suppress. May Sir Joseph
Hawley’s lot in life and Surrey be happy ! Yet there are sceptics
who insist that the Derby is “not for Joseph”—a quotation from a
classical author (see Macmillan for May—Article, “ Lucretius ”) irre-
sistible, but indefensible.
Paul Jones. Who is he? Is he in society ? Blanche the blonde,
and Isabel the brunette, will test your academical knowledge with a
co-operative curiosity which you may find embarrassing. Narrate,
therefore, when the lobster blushes and the Moselle sparkles with
delight, and the glove business is uncommonly brisk, as follows:—
DLstmguished political economist; founder of the Utilitarian school in
the Black Forest; in favour of marriage with a deceased wife’s sister;
invented the corkscrew and the Shoeblack Brigade; Knight of the
Hare and Tortoise; died at sea ; monument in Westminster Abbey.
Speculum. Have you backed this horse ? Then, if he lands his
ducal owner’s colours first—you will observe by my phraseology that I
have been reading sporting papers lately, night and day—be will prove
a good Spec.; if he is in the ruck, wherever that may be, you will
denounce him as a bad Specul(um)ation. Another glass of Moseile, if
you please, after that.
Tom Bowline Colt. How can a horse expect to run away with
stakes of the value of £5,678, or something of the sort, when he has
not even taken the trouble to provide himself with a name of his own ?
If you are pecuniarily interested, retain some spiritualist to cross-
examine the late Mr. Charles Dibdin as to his estimate of T. B.
Junior’s chance, and get Mr. Sims Reeves to 3rr>g his praises, and
tell you whether “Bowline” ought not to be “ Bowling.”
Green Sleeve. See observations on Blue Gown.
Orion. Read up astronomy, mythology, and quote from Mr.
Horne’s poem; also compose a parody on “ Beautiful Star.” and
recite it in the barouche coming home, if this constellation, or Sign of
the Zodiac, or galaxy, or whatever the Astronomer Royal would call
it, is in the ascendant, and shoots a-head of ail terrestrial competitors,
carrying off the prize to the skies where he will be received with a
“ perfect ovation,” and have addresses presented to him.
Pace. I think I understood that yon had drawn nim in a sweep-
stakes : if so, let us hope he will go the pace.
St. Honan. The title of one of Scott’s novels (yon have heard oi
Sir Walter Scott, I believe ?) will rise to the lips of the backers o..
this the last horse I shall embalm for posterity, if he wins-St.
Ronan’s well!
I shall find the barouche out. Don’t forget the truffles in the
pie. You will know me by the ruffles ou my shirt. If auy oue of the
horses puts money into your pocket, show your gratitude to the noble
animal by vowing never to eat him, or any other courser.
Yours, Emily Faithfully,
Drinking Fomitain Court. Temple Chambers.
MEMORANDUM ON MILITARY ECONOMY.
The only serious argument against the abolition of purchase in the
Army, proposed in Parliament by Mr. Trevelyan, is that the country
will have to pay handsomely for that reform. In connection wLth the
increase of payment which will be thereby entailed, your economists
may consider another department of warlike expenditure. They have
been informed by the Times that:—
“ A charge of powder and shot rarely cost above 15.5.; now every shot from a
9-inch gun costs at least £4 5s., and from the 12-inch, gun about £7 12s. Many
varieties of projectiles cost a great deal more. The ammunition alone required to
test a 9-inch gun costs £1,300. In 1S60 it cost only £150. We are now making
12-inch guns, and if it costs £1,300 to test a 9-inch gun, it will cost £2,000 to tear
a 12-inch.”
From the same authority economical legislators may learn that shells
cost £7 12s. each ; from £7 12-?. perhaps we should rather say. Now
only fancy firing our modern artillery on these terms—blazing away at
this rate in vain! The expense of military projectiles and ordnance
may be less.than that of naval, but is more than heavy enough to make
its prevention, or diminution to the smallest possible amount, very
desirable. Howbeit no such expense, if necessary, can be spared.
The object, therefore, t.o be accomplished in warfare is that of having
the greatest possible number of enemies, or amount of mischief, to
show for the money which goes in every shot, and still more in every
shell. To this end the shooting must be got over by victory as soou
as possible. That requires the most efficieut officers we can procure.
Let, promotion, then, go not by purchase, but by merit, which will cost
you much less than you will otherwise throw away in powder and
shot.
Women’s Rig'hts with a Vengeance !
A Bill laid before Parliament by a number of gentlemen, including
Mr. Mill, the Philosopher, for legalising female rights, provides,
amoDgst other things, that wives shall be capable “ of contracting,
suiug, and heing sued, as if they were unmarried women.” Suing anil
being sued! Wives to have suitors as though tney were spinsters
still?
Oh, Mr. Mill !
SIKES AND SEVENS.
The present state of affairs in the House of Commons is one of
manifest derangement. Is it the delirium which precedes dissolution?!
as shylocxc said.
Railway Shareholder, with Shares at a Discount.—” Give me my prin-
cipal, and let me go.”
Vol. 54.
8
229
HINTS FOR DERBY TALKERS.
ott inform me, my dear
Gerald, in a letter -which
you omitted to prepay,
that, you are going to for-
sake the study of the law
on Wednesday, the 27th,
to accompany your fel-
low-student, Markham
Clinton, his sister and
cousin, and hamper, in
the family barouche, to
Epsom Downs; and you
ask me to supply you
with some materials for
conversation on the way,
telling me, as one of your
trustees, that you are de-
sirous to secure the good
opinion of your friend’s
sister (photograph enclo-
sed), who is two-and-
twenty, of prepossessing
exterior — your expres-
sion, not mine—and the
favourite niece of an aunt
with funded property, in delicate health and Dorsetshire.
Having known you from your perambulator, and being anxious to
see you settled in life, and a roomy house, I am ready to comply with
your wishes, and be your “ Guide to the Turf,” and will do for you
what I have done for millions in previous years in these pages—a_testi-
monial, I am told, is in contemplation, the minimum subscription
five guineas, and the substantial acknowledgment an epergne and an oil
portrait—run through the names of the principal competitors for the
great stakes, and prime you with some stable talk, avoiding technicali-
ties, imparting useful information, and abstaining from any attempt to
vaticinate the Winner of the Derby of 1868, which the newspapers are
sure to say wa« more numerously attended than on any previous occa-
sion, although I have it on the tip of my tongue to put you up to some-
thing which my man told me he heard from his cousin, who is engaged
to the sister of the brother of one of the helpers in the-stable.
Place aux Dames ! Lady Elizabeth. (No indirect opinion i3 meant to
be conveyed that the filly is sure to get a place.) A safe Bet, her
backers say—a good Bet. all will say who have money on the mare
from a florin to a rent-roll, happy as the Day is long, when the Battle
of Hastings is over, and the Elizabethan style has thousands of hoarse
admirers, provided she passes the Judge’s chair first, if only by an
eyebrow. I halt a moment to express my conviction that of all duties,
a Government Whip’s alone excepted, those of a racing Judge must be
the most delicate and difficult.
Rosicrucian. Blanche and her cousin Isabel will be sure to ply
you with searching questions, which your University education may
fail to enable you to answer. Who was Rosicrucian? What was
Rosicrucian ? Why is a horse called Rosicrucian ? I will therefore
deal you out a little of my encyclopaedic information, that you may
pass your examination creditably. The Rosicrucians, then, were a sect
of philosophers (according to their admirers), of impostors (according
to their enemies) who filled the daily papers, and got involved in law-
suits about five-and-a-half hundred ;ears ago, pretending, amongst
other things (see bills of the day in the British Museum), that they
possessed the secret of the philosopher’s stone, a contrivance for
changing the inferior metals—tin, copper, electro-plate, &c.—into gold.
If you, my dear Gerald, have money on the horse, and he wins, you
will be a sincere believer in the power of a Rosicrucian to produce
sovereigns such as the Master of the Mint cannot beat; but if he
loses, you will, with the satiric literature of the time in which the sect
flourished, show him up as an impostor.
Blue Gown. You will find your fair travelling companions (by the
way, I cannot be certain, from the photograph, whether she is light or
dark : if the former, 1 shall use the freedom of calling her likeness a
carte Blanche) very much interested in this steed, its name suggesting
millinery and dress-making observations, which, if you wish to have
rational conversation, you must instantly suppress. May Sir Joseph
Hawley’s lot in life and Surrey be happy ! Yet there are sceptics
who insist that the Derby is “not for Joseph”—a quotation from a
classical author (see Macmillan for May—Article, “ Lucretius ”) irre-
sistible, but indefensible.
Paul Jones. Who is he? Is he in society ? Blanche the blonde,
and Isabel the brunette, will test your academical knowledge with a
co-operative curiosity which you may find embarrassing. Narrate,
therefore, when the lobster blushes and the Moselle sparkles with
delight, and the glove business is uncommonly brisk, as follows:—
DLstmguished political economist; founder of the Utilitarian school in
the Black Forest; in favour of marriage with a deceased wife’s sister;
invented the corkscrew and the Shoeblack Brigade; Knight of the
Hare and Tortoise; died at sea ; monument in Westminster Abbey.
Speculum. Have you backed this horse ? Then, if he lands his
ducal owner’s colours first—you will observe by my phraseology that I
have been reading sporting papers lately, night and day—be will prove
a good Spec.; if he is in the ruck, wherever that may be, you will
denounce him as a bad Specul(um)ation. Another glass of Moseile, if
you please, after that.
Tom Bowline Colt. How can a horse expect to run away with
stakes of the value of £5,678, or something of the sort, when he has
not even taken the trouble to provide himself with a name of his own ?
If you are pecuniarily interested, retain some spiritualist to cross-
examine the late Mr. Charles Dibdin as to his estimate of T. B.
Junior’s chance, and get Mr. Sims Reeves to 3rr>g his praises, and
tell you whether “Bowline” ought not to be “ Bowling.”
Green Sleeve. See observations on Blue Gown.
Orion. Read up astronomy, mythology, and quote from Mr.
Horne’s poem; also compose a parody on “ Beautiful Star.” and
recite it in the barouche coming home, if this constellation, or Sign of
the Zodiac, or galaxy, or whatever the Astronomer Royal would call
it, is in the ascendant, and shoots a-head of ail terrestrial competitors,
carrying off the prize to the skies where he will be received with a
“ perfect ovation,” and have addresses presented to him.
Pace. I think I understood that yon had drawn nim in a sweep-
stakes : if so, let us hope he will go the pace.
St. Honan. The title of one of Scott’s novels (yon have heard oi
Sir Walter Scott, I believe ?) will rise to the lips of the backers o..
this the last horse I shall embalm for posterity, if he wins-St.
Ronan’s well!
I shall find the barouche out. Don’t forget the truffles in the
pie. You will know me by the ruffles ou my shirt. If auy oue of the
horses puts money into your pocket, show your gratitude to the noble
animal by vowing never to eat him, or any other courser.
Yours, Emily Faithfully,
Drinking Fomitain Court. Temple Chambers.
MEMORANDUM ON MILITARY ECONOMY.
The only serious argument against the abolition of purchase in the
Army, proposed in Parliament by Mr. Trevelyan, is that the country
will have to pay handsomely for that reform. In connection wLth the
increase of payment which will be thereby entailed, your economists
may consider another department of warlike expenditure. They have
been informed by the Times that:—
“ A charge of powder and shot rarely cost above 15.5.; now every shot from a
9-inch gun costs at least £4 5s., and from the 12-inch, gun about £7 12s. Many
varieties of projectiles cost a great deal more. The ammunition alone required to
test a 9-inch gun costs £1,300. In 1S60 it cost only £150. We are now making
12-inch guns, and if it costs £1,300 to test a 9-inch gun, it will cost £2,000 to tear
a 12-inch.”
From the same authority economical legislators may learn that shells
cost £7 12s. each ; from £7 12-?. perhaps we should rather say. Now
only fancy firing our modern artillery on these terms—blazing away at
this rate in vain! The expense of military projectiles and ordnance
may be less.than that of naval, but is more than heavy enough to make
its prevention, or diminution to the smallest possible amount, very
desirable. Howbeit no such expense, if necessary, can be spared.
The object, therefore, t.o be accomplished in warfare is that of having
the greatest possible number of enemies, or amount of mischief, to
show for the money which goes in every shot, and still more in every
shell. To this end the shooting must be got over by victory as soou
as possible. That requires the most efficieut officers we can procure.
Let, promotion, then, go not by purchase, but by merit, which will cost
you much less than you will otherwise throw away in powder and
shot.
Women’s Rig'hts with a Vengeance !
A Bill laid before Parliament by a number of gentlemen, including
Mr. Mill, the Philosopher, for legalising female rights, provides,
amoDgst other things, that wives shall be capable “ of contracting,
suiug, and heing sued, as if they were unmarried women.” Suing anil
being sued! Wives to have suitors as though tney were spinsters
still?
Oh, Mr. Mill !
SIKES AND SEVENS.
The present state of affairs in the House of Commons is one of
manifest derangement. Is it the delirium which precedes dissolution?!
as shylocxc said.
Railway Shareholder, with Shares at a Discount.—” Give me my prin-
cipal, and let me go.”
Vol. 54.
8