DOI Heft:
June 6, 1868
DOI Seite / Zitierlink: https://doi.org/10.11588/diglit.16881#0248
June 6, 1868.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
241
.
A CHOICE OF EVILS.
Nephew (who knows his relative's peculiarities). “ This won’t do for you,
Uncle; it’s a Smoking Parriage!”
Uncle (horrid crabbed old bachelor). “ Ugh ! ’T any rate it’ll be safe from
"Women and Children ! ! ”
SPEECHES BY MACHINERY.
A public dinner this hot weather ! What a horrible
idea ! And still more dreadful is the thought that one
might have to make a speech there! What a blessing it.
would be if after-dinner speeches could be made by some
machinery! Can not some inventive genius hit upon a
plan by which to get a speech made, without the bore of
making it? Everyone knows everything that anyone can
say, when called on for a speech; and if nobody were to
make one, surely nobody would suffer. By the side, say,
of the chairman, a wax figure might be placed, modelled
to resemble him in features and in figure. This dummy
might, by clockwork, get upon its legs, when wound up
by the toast-master, and might be made to mumble what
might pass for a good sample of after-dinner oratory. To
carry out this notion with suitable effect, each famous
dinner talker should go about provided with a model of
himself, supplied with tubes and tones to imitate his own
peculiar voice. Perhaps after awhile the presence of a
speaker might entirely be dispensed with, and his effigy
alone be invited to attend. When this is happily the
fashion, what rejoicing there will be among our martyred
public diners, and what a spoiling of digestion and of
temper will be spared them ! We recommend our
notion to the Humane Society, whose duty clearly is to
rescue public orators from floundering about in a perfect
flood of verbiage, and often well nigh sinking in the
middle of a speech.
SOMEWHAT SUPERFLUOUS.
Advertisements are usually paid for by their length,
and advertisers commonly aim at using as few words as
they can to give their meaning. Still, even in the shortest
notice words are sometimes introduced which seem entirely
needless. Look at this, for instance, from a dramatic
journal:—
WANTED, a SINGING WALKING LADY (young). . .
' » Always an opening for Good Niggers.
Surely, it is superfluous to mention that the lady must
be young. To sing while one is walking is not an easy
task, and certainly no old lady would be able to accomplish
it. Clearly too it is superfluous to make a stipulation
that the niggers must be “ good.” As if any one would
open his doors to a bad nigger, if he anyhow could
help it!
A CAUTION TO GOVERNORS.
Scene—A Waiting Room..
THE REVEREND SHARON SNUFFLES. MR. JOHN COOPER.
Snvffles (to Cooper, folding vp a, newspaper). Does your paper, Sir,
contain any report of the great, Missionary meeting at Exeter Hall ?
Cooper. No ; but a very full account of the Derby. At your service.
(Offers paper)
Snvffles. Thank you ; n-n-no. I have no interest in sporting intel-
ligence.
Cooper. Not even in the Eyre Hunt ?
Snvffles. The what, hunt, Sir ?
Cooper. The Jamaica Committee hunting Governor Eyre—trying
to hunt, him to death.
Snvffles. Oh ! Sir, pray do not speak in that manner of conscientious
and Christian men.
Cooper. Well, there’s Mill at the head of them.
Snvffles. Those worthy men. Sir, are endeavouring to bring a great
public criminal to justice.
Cooper. A criminal! Why they do not pretend that he acted from
any guilty motive.
Snvffles. Mr. Eyre was guilty of inflicting punishments which were
illegal. He fearfully exceeded his duty.
Cooper. Suppose he did. I don’t, admit it. But say that he did.
Grant,, for argument’s sake, that, in stamping out a rebellion, be
stamped too hard, too wide, and too long. It, was question of degree
in a time of danger. Even if he over-estimated the necessity of striking
terror, is that an error of judgment for which he deserves anything but
respectful sympathy—instead of persecution ?
Snvffles. It is a precedent, my dear Sir, which must not be permitted.
Cooper. A precedent,! Hadn’t, the Indian mutiny been quelled before ?
Recollect, bow that was crushed, and the mutineers put down. By
“ hanging them like fun,” we were told ; by blowing them from guns,
and flogging, no end. Where was then the outcry now raised on
behalf of the Jamaica Blacks ?
Snvffles. There is a difference between the cases.
Cooper. More than that. There are two striking differences. The
first is, that the East Indian rebels were either Hindoos or Mahometans,
and their cry was uDeen!" whereas the West Indian revolters were
Baptists and Methodists, who sat under Missionaries, and sang psalms.
The Sepoys were heathen ; the Jamaica Black was a man and a brother.
Snvffles. Surely, Sir, you would not condemn Christian sympathy ?
Cooper. Quite the contrary. Sympathy with savage miscreants.
Snvffles. The poor creatures. Sir, were sadly misguided.
Cooper. Yes, they were; and by whom? There’s the other differ-
ence. There were no mob-orators at work among the Sepoys and
their associates. The Jamaica outbreak was owing t,o the eloquence of !
gentlemen like Mr. Gordon. No wonder our Tribunes of the People,
who are sometimes apt themselves to use strong language, object to
making such gentlemen responsible, in a time of anarchy, for insurrec-
tion and massacre caused by their harangues.
Snvffles. Ah, well. Sir, it was an awful business ! Let us trust the
like will never occur again.
Cooper. You may. It, is unlikely ever to occur again—exactly. Half
of it only will occur in future. Insurrection and massacre will occur;
suppression won’t—at least, in Jamaica, or anywhere else in which
demagogues preach to natives who are addicted to psalmody. It may
possibly be different, in the case of the mild Hindoo, and, as some of
the Missionaries’ African friends might pronounce him, the full-
flavoured Mussulman.
Snvffles. Oh, Sir, do not say such things !
Cooper. The treatment, of Eyre is enough to make one say anything.
Its authors will one day be gratefully rememoered by their white
countrymen whose relatives will have been murdered or mutilated, and
so on, by the irrepressible Nigger.
Snvffles. Why irrepressible, my dear Sir ?
Cooper. Because, henceforth, when he breaks out, nobody, thanks to
the Jamaica Committee, will dare to repress him. [Bell rings. Exeunt.
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
241
.
A CHOICE OF EVILS.
Nephew (who knows his relative's peculiarities). “ This won’t do for you,
Uncle; it’s a Smoking Parriage!”
Uncle (horrid crabbed old bachelor). “ Ugh ! ’T any rate it’ll be safe from
"Women and Children ! ! ”
SPEECHES BY MACHINERY.
A public dinner this hot weather ! What a horrible
idea ! And still more dreadful is the thought that one
might have to make a speech there! What a blessing it.
would be if after-dinner speeches could be made by some
machinery! Can not some inventive genius hit upon a
plan by which to get a speech made, without the bore of
making it? Everyone knows everything that anyone can
say, when called on for a speech; and if nobody were to
make one, surely nobody would suffer. By the side, say,
of the chairman, a wax figure might be placed, modelled
to resemble him in features and in figure. This dummy
might, by clockwork, get upon its legs, when wound up
by the toast-master, and might be made to mumble what
might pass for a good sample of after-dinner oratory. To
carry out this notion with suitable effect, each famous
dinner talker should go about provided with a model of
himself, supplied with tubes and tones to imitate his own
peculiar voice. Perhaps after awhile the presence of a
speaker might entirely be dispensed with, and his effigy
alone be invited to attend. When this is happily the
fashion, what rejoicing there will be among our martyred
public diners, and what a spoiling of digestion and of
temper will be spared them ! We recommend our
notion to the Humane Society, whose duty clearly is to
rescue public orators from floundering about in a perfect
flood of verbiage, and often well nigh sinking in the
middle of a speech.
SOMEWHAT SUPERFLUOUS.
Advertisements are usually paid for by their length,
and advertisers commonly aim at using as few words as
they can to give their meaning. Still, even in the shortest
notice words are sometimes introduced which seem entirely
needless. Look at this, for instance, from a dramatic
journal:—
WANTED, a SINGING WALKING LADY (young). . .
' » Always an opening for Good Niggers.
Surely, it is superfluous to mention that the lady must
be young. To sing while one is walking is not an easy
task, and certainly no old lady would be able to accomplish
it. Clearly too it is superfluous to make a stipulation
that the niggers must be “ good.” As if any one would
open his doors to a bad nigger, if he anyhow could
help it!
A CAUTION TO GOVERNORS.
Scene—A Waiting Room..
THE REVEREND SHARON SNUFFLES. MR. JOHN COOPER.
Snvffles (to Cooper, folding vp a, newspaper). Does your paper, Sir,
contain any report of the great, Missionary meeting at Exeter Hall ?
Cooper. No ; but a very full account of the Derby. At your service.
(Offers paper)
Snvffles. Thank you ; n-n-no. I have no interest in sporting intel-
ligence.
Cooper. Not even in the Eyre Hunt ?
Snvffles. The what, hunt, Sir ?
Cooper. The Jamaica Committee hunting Governor Eyre—trying
to hunt, him to death.
Snvffles. Oh ! Sir, pray do not speak in that manner of conscientious
and Christian men.
Cooper. Well, there’s Mill at the head of them.
Snvffles. Those worthy men. Sir, are endeavouring to bring a great
public criminal to justice.
Cooper. A criminal! Why they do not pretend that he acted from
any guilty motive.
Snvffles. Mr. Eyre was guilty of inflicting punishments which were
illegal. He fearfully exceeded his duty.
Cooper. Suppose he did. I don’t, admit it. But say that he did.
Grant,, for argument’s sake, that, in stamping out a rebellion, be
stamped too hard, too wide, and too long. It, was question of degree
in a time of danger. Even if he over-estimated the necessity of striking
terror, is that an error of judgment for which he deserves anything but
respectful sympathy—instead of persecution ?
Snvffles. It is a precedent, my dear Sir, which must not be permitted.
Cooper. A precedent,! Hadn’t, the Indian mutiny been quelled before ?
Recollect, bow that was crushed, and the mutineers put down. By
“ hanging them like fun,” we were told ; by blowing them from guns,
and flogging, no end. Where was then the outcry now raised on
behalf of the Jamaica Blacks ?
Snvffles. There is a difference between the cases.
Cooper. More than that. There are two striking differences. The
first is, that the East Indian rebels were either Hindoos or Mahometans,
and their cry was uDeen!" whereas the West Indian revolters were
Baptists and Methodists, who sat under Missionaries, and sang psalms.
The Sepoys were heathen ; the Jamaica Black was a man and a brother.
Snvffles. Surely, Sir, you would not condemn Christian sympathy ?
Cooper. Quite the contrary. Sympathy with savage miscreants.
Snvffles. The poor creatures. Sir, were sadly misguided.
Cooper. Yes, they were; and by whom? There’s the other differ-
ence. There were no mob-orators at work among the Sepoys and
their associates. The Jamaica outbreak was owing t,o the eloquence of !
gentlemen like Mr. Gordon. No wonder our Tribunes of the People,
who are sometimes apt themselves to use strong language, object to
making such gentlemen responsible, in a time of anarchy, for insurrec-
tion and massacre caused by their harangues.
Snvffles. Ah, well. Sir, it was an awful business ! Let us trust the
like will never occur again.
Cooper. You may. It, is unlikely ever to occur again—exactly. Half
of it only will occur in future. Insurrection and massacre will occur;
suppression won’t—at least, in Jamaica, or anywhere else in which
demagogues preach to natives who are addicted to psalmody. It may
possibly be different, in the case of the mild Hindoo, and, as some of
the Missionaries’ African friends might pronounce him, the full-
flavoured Mussulman.
Snvffles. Oh, Sir, do not say such things !
Cooper. The treatment, of Eyre is enough to make one say anything.
Its authors will one day be gratefully rememoered by their white
countrymen whose relatives will have been murdered or mutilated, and
so on, by the irrepressible Nigger.
Snvffles. Why irrepressible, my dear Sir ?
Cooper. Because, henceforth, when he breaks out, nobody, thanks to
the Jamaica Committee, will dare to repress him. [Bell rings. Exeunt.