Punch: Punch (54.1868)

274

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

[June 20, 1868.

FALSITIES FOR THE FACE.

our Red Indian, Mr. Punch,
doesn’t he call the natives
of Great Britain, and others
who resemble them in com-
plexion, “ pale faces ” ?
There are some of our
countrywomen, Sir, whom
he would certainly misname
by that poetical appellation.
For of course they must in-
clude a considerable num-
ber of customers for the
things which are daily
advertised in the newspapers
to redden the face. For
instance:—

T OWE’S CELEBRATED
Tj damask rose drops,

an elegant and.innocent extract
for giving immediate and natural
colour to the cheek, • lips, and
complexion, in packet cases,
3s. Hd., free by post for 48 stamps.

I copy the foregoing announcement minus the address, because
among your casual readers there may possibly be one or two who, if
you called it loathsome, would think you were joking, and meant to
endorse the lie which it tells, and to recommend the use of the trash
which it relates to. No doubt, however, this stuff would effectually
-remove the complaint of paleness, if not permanently, for some time at
least. An application that would immediately stain even the lips would
doubtless irritate the skin, and the person who had employed it would
afford wags occasion to ask why her face was like Vesuvius in the last
days of Pompeii.

When the divine Williams made Viola, speaking of herself, tell
■ Orsino that: —

“ She never told her love,

But let concealment, like a worm i’ the bud,

Feed on her damask cheek,”

he probably suggested the epithet misapplied to the abovenamed drops.
Anyhow their name suggests his lines, and with them the observation
that feeding on a damask cheek, which owed that colour to damask
rose drops, would make concealment very ill, if concealment were so
far like a worm in the bud as to be poisonable, and if, on the part of
any one using a face-dye, concealment were possible.

Now, Sir, here is another of these advertisements, more sickening
than the first. Read it!

THE VESTRIS ENAMEL.—This valuable COSMETIC, as prepared

J- from the original receipt for the late Madame Vestris, which preserved her
youth and beauty to so late a period, is perfectly harmless, and gives a beautiful
tone and colour to the skin, improving a good complexion, and making a bad one
beautiful. Sold only by -——. Price 5s. and 10s. per bottle.

There was a time when the report current, with many other ab-
surd sayings, about the lady whose name is above abused, that she
was “enamelled” was regarded as tending, and intended, to render
her an object of aversion. Now we have a cosmetic commended to the
softer sex under the name of “ Vestris Enamel! ” Not a nice sign of
the times, Mr. Punch, is it ? The fashionable world is very fast; it
certainly doesn’t go at a snail’s pace, nor yet in the snail’s direction.
In that respect it resembles another of the Crustacea. It is going
back to rouge, and will next perhaps recede to patches and powder.

Somebody has too truly said what is too apt to be forgotten, that
beauty is only skin deep. Youth, if no more, is no less, according to
the advertisement of the “ Vestris Enamel.” The youth as well as
the beauty of Madame Vestris, it tells us, was preserved by that
species of stucco for the skin.

Here, again, our advertiser has borrowed a poetical thought. When
he describes his enamel as “improving a good complexion, and making
a bad one beautiful,” he just paraphrases Byron’s words about the
effect of moonlight on the Coliseum :—

“ Leaving that beautiful which still was so,

And making that which was not.”

Only the paraphrase is not so much poetical as fictitious.

Let me call your attention to a candid acknowledgment made by
one of the most notorious of the advertising face-forgers. In the first
place idiotic females are invited to buy :—

A/TADAME JEZEBEL’S

1VJL WASHES FOR THE HA

Queenly, Arabian, and Circassian beauty
WASHES FOR THE HAIR, Teeth, and Complexion. Alabaster powder, Arab
bloom, Armenian liquid for giving brilliancy to the eyes and removing wrinkles,
pure liquid extract of flowers for giving fragrant odours to the breath and pearly
whiteness to the teeth, liquid enamel and Circassian lily wash. The choicest per-
fumes of Arabia for the bath. Those queenly and costly preparations render the
hair, teeth, and complexion beautiful for ever.

And then they are told that:—

“ All other persons vending dangerous and spurious compounds in imitation, and
who are endeavouring to copy her art, commit a gross fraud upoD the public, she
being the only importer of the above preparations.”

One would think, even an idiotic female might see that when Madame
Jezebel mentions “ all other persons vending dangerous and spurious
compounds in imitation” (of what if not of the natural colour and
complexion?) by those other persons she means persons other than
herself. She, then, is one who does what those others do. Idiotic
females may not see that. . Mrs. Borrodaile may not have seen it.
But all that are not quite idiots will avoid every dangerous and spurious
compound, whether pigment, or wash, that would be injurious even
to a pig.

Faugh ! as people used to say, on occasion, in the good old time
of my celebrated anti-cosmetic ancestor, the Vicar of Wakefield. At
your service, Mr. Punch, I have the honour to be, a Pbimrose

P.S. Idea of a puff for Jezebel Hamlet {to skull). Get thee to my
lady’s chamber, and tell her that, let her paint an inch thick, to this
complexion she must come at last; but not if she places herself under
the hands of Madame Jezebel, and is made beautiful for ever.

DISGRACEFUL.

Mr. Punch,

Do you consider these are proper questions to put to a grow-
ing boy ? They have been drawn up by our head-master, who is
evidently not master of bis bead. The fact is he went out during the
hot weather last week without his hat, and bad a severe altercation
(resulting in blows) with his eldest male offspring. I think he is
suffering from a stroke of the son. I wish you would give us boys a
word. There is no one to appeal to but the Press, and you are our
favourite paper. As for relying on any protection from a fellow’s parents,
it’s bosh. So I say, yon know, do just give us a word. We’ve taken in
all your back numbers, so do take up our case. These are a few of
his questions—pretty fellow to have the instruction of youth, he is :—

1. “ What’s a' the steer, Kimmer ?"—Give the derivation of the word
“ kimmer.” Is he a comparative of “kirn,” and did his ancestors kim
over with the Conqueror ? Spell “ Conqueror.”

2. Knot for Joe.—How is this tied, and which of the Davenports is
Joe ? Why ?

3. High Cockolorum Jig.—Describe the figures of this ancient dance.
When is it considered in season ?

4. Virginia Creeper.—Relate the leading incidents is this lady’s life.
Was she not connected very closely with an ancient house? If so,
which ?

5. “ I Winna buckle to."—Do yon believe that this declaration
(feloniously appropriated by a northern minstrel) was really made by
a lady who shied at the second volume of Buckle's Civilization ? If
so, speak out like a man, and no heel-taps.

6. “ Stand to your Guns."—Is there any ground for believing that
this was the remark of a great naval commander to some “ hearts of
oak” of niggardly disposition, who never treated their sixteen-
pounders ? What is the favourite beverage of the gun when stood to ?

And so on. Do just stop him, will you please.—Yours truly,

A Boy who has his Feelings.

P.S. I re-open this to say that the benighted tyrant has just entered
the Schoolroom, and remarked that there is something wrong about
Nature ; for whereas one swallow doesn’t make a summer one grass-
hopper does make a spring. Perhaps if you publish this it may reach
the eye of his friends.

STREET SCENE.

{A Duologue.)

Smart. How do, Smooth ? {to Theatrical Manager, who frowns upon
him.) What’s the matter, eh ?

Smooth. Matter? Hang it, Smart, you wrote me down in The
Stinger.

Smart {repressing something Shakspearian about “ writing down" which
occurs to him, continues pleasantly). Wrote you down? No. I said the
piece was a bad one, because I thought it was ; a very bad one.

Smooth. Bad ! {Sarcastically.) You were the only man who said so.

Smart {very pleasantly). My dear fellow, I was the only man who saw
it. Good bye. [Exeunt severally.

Taking a Shot at it.

We wonder if the Chairman of the Board of Ordnance, who, as we
presume, must have a casting vote to give as to the casting of big
cannon, would be offended if we called him a Big Bore Constructor ?