DOI issue:
August 28, 1869
DOI Page / Citation link:https://doi.org/10.11588/diglit.16884#0093
August 28, 1869.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
81
THE NEW ORIGINAL.
by walker the younger.
char I.—on industry.
With what singular persistency of purpose does that diminutive and
laborious creature, the Bee, turn to account every minute of sunshine !
The construction of "her cell is a marvel of insect architecture; and if you
■were to attempt to spread wax with the same neatness and regularity,
you would no doubt, fail in the most ignominious manner. At least,
I know I should ; for I was only the other day sealing a letter when 1
burned my fingers dreadfully. I am aware that bee's-wax is not sealing-
wax ; but still if I had used bee's-wax to fasten my envelope, I dare say
I should have made just as bad a mess of it, or worse. Then again, look
how the Bee labours to store those octagonal chambers with the
saccharine food she is all the day gathering from roses, tulips, candy-
tuft, pelargoniums, pansies, pinks, hollyhocks, fuchsias, heliotropes,
marigolds, "dahlias, begonias, lupines, lilies, daffydowndillies, and, in
short, every opening flower. I can't help thinking that if the whole of
one's time was passed in books or work, or even healthy athletic
pastimes, such, for example, as hop-scotch, dominoes, tossing the caber,
knurr and spell, coddams, cricket, rounders, peg-top, prisoner's-base,
noughts-and-crosses, Aunt, Sally, cribbage, nine-pins, Indian clubs,
fly-the-garter, boxing, balancing tobacco-pipes on the tip of one's nose,
skimming halfpence at cats or attic-windows, turning catherine-wheels
in the road, or putting the stone, we might haply give as good an
account of every day as our little friend the Bee could do, if so re-
quired. (Since the foregoing was committed to manuscript, 1 have
met with some similar ideas in verse, by a Dr. What 's-his-name. _ I do
not, however, think it necessary or desirable to cancel my own original
reflections on a subject which, after ail, is quite open to anybody.)
chap. ii -on quantifying the predicate.
The cause why the quantitative note is not usually joined with the
predicate is, that there would be two qucesita at once; to wit, whether
the predicate were affirmed of the subject, and whether it were denied
of everything beside. For when one says that all Buffer is all twaddle,
we judge that all Buffer is twaddle, and likewise that, twaddle is denied
of everything but Buffer. Yet these are in reality two different
qucesiia, and therefore it has become usual to state them, not in one,
but in two several propositions. And this is self-evident, seeing that a
qucesitum in itself asks only—Does or does not this inhere in that, as
Buffer in twaddle or twaddle in Buffer ? and not, Does or does not
this, as Buffer or twaddle, inhere in that, as twaddle or Buffer, and
at the same time inhere in nothing else in the whole imaginable
universe ? (A. remarkable coincidence of thought, and even, to some
extent, of language, has been kindly brought to my notice, too late for
me to act upon the friendly hint—for which I am nevertheless deeply
grateful—that somebody or other, perhaps Mr. John Stuart Mill,
and perhaps not, points out the vice of Sir William Hamilton's pro-
ceeding, in quantifying the predicate, in very much the same words
that I have here employed to represent my notions about the business.)
chap. iii.—on blowing your brains out.
I would put the question to any sensible man, whether he does or
does not consider it nobler in the mind to suffer many inconveniences,
to which slings and arrows are mere flea-bites by comparison—and
especially I might indicate blighted affections, the procrastination of
your family solicitor when there is property to be distributed, in which
you have a share, losses on the Derby, tightness of the money-market,
the impertinence of the fellow who keeps on calling for the Queen's
taxes, and, generally, the spurns that patient merit is obliged to put up
with from all kinds of cads and humbugs, and stuck-up little beasts,
who give themselves no end of airs, and try to ride rough-shod over
everybody who has not had the same luck that they have—than to
terminate one's existence by an act of felo-de-se ? Well, you know, the
fact is that nobody would be fool enough to go on day after day
standing this sort of thing, if It wasn't for a deuced strong objection to
becoming a body, and being sat upon by a dozen tradesmen, some of
whom perhaps have been confoundedly rude to one in one's life, when
one has not, happened to be able to pay one's bills the moment one
has been called upon in a sudden and peremptory, not to say insolent,
manner to do so. There's the rub ! On consideration, most people
will rather bear the ills they have than do anything desperate to get rid
of them. (I have but this moment met with a passage iu a shocking
tragedy, by the well-known Shakspeare, that bears a decided family
likeness to my philosophic proposition. It will scarcely be expected
that I should expunge the foregoing observations, because of their
likeness to what was written at a distant period of English literature.)
Misleading.—" An Old Player " writes to express his disappoint-
ment at an article in the Echo, headed " The Stumping Season," not
containing one single word about this year's cricket.
THE DOMESTIC MISSING LINK.
To do instead, I often think,
Of servant-girl, or flunkey,
We ought to have the Missing Link
Which negro binds to monkey ;
An ape, anthropoid in degree
So high that it could fill a
Place ourang-outang, chimpanzee
Can't, neither can gorilla :
A place beneath the Sable Moor
(Not brown Moor of Morocco)
To Quashee one on the next floor
Below, and over Jocko :
An ape, the male—with calves, to choose—
To tread the footboard able ;
Both sexes knives, forks, plates, and shoes
To clean, and wait at table ;
An ape, which, as to brain and hands,
On man so nearly borders,
That it can construe our commands,
And execute our orders ;
A drudge, in case of its neglect,
Its clumsiness, or kicking,
You could as lawfully correct
As give your dog a licking.
At will you could get rid of it,
Could nowise be its debtor,
Your service whilst it could not quit
Itself that it might better.
'"Twould cost you nothing but, its keep,
Ne'er trouble you for wages,
So might your household be as cheap
As any saint's or sage's.
Prom followers allowed, or not,
Could spring no complications ;
For you could regulate, you wot,
All that sort of relations.
Worn out with age, as horse or ass,
When used up, you could treat 'em ;
Turn them, in their way, out to grass :
Or dogs and cats might eat 'em.
The nigger is a sort of man,
Although that sort's another :
We want slaves; but a slave we can
Not make a man and brother.
The needful being should exist,
Which sense hath, but behind it
No soul; the Missing Link, how missed !
Oh would that we could find it!
VOLUNTARY TRANSPORTATION.
Habitual criminals should listen to the words of wisdom and of
warning, addressed to one of them the other day by worthy Mr.
Knox :—
" Penal servitude for life was a dreadful thing—it was staring prisoner in
the face, and sooner than undergo it he had better be out of this life. He
(Mr. Knox) had been a witness of what it was. A new law had recently
been passed, . . and the only chance for him when he next came out of
prison was to leave this country. England was too hot to hold him, and he
had better ship himself off, or there was little doubt what would be his end."
Self-transportation, or penal servitude for life : this seems the alter-
native under the new law, and Mr. Knox advises criminals to prefer
the first. To be sure, there is a third course open to such persons,
namely, that of living honestly at home, and this doubtless might be
found the least unpleasant of the three. But if men persist in crime,
they had better far transport themselves than go to penal servitude,
which is of the two the more unpleasant punishment, teste Mr.
Knox.
The question may arise as to how men self-transporting are possibly to
get sufficient money for their passage, and the answer might be given
that, in very many cases, it would clearly pay the country to provide
funds for their shipment to some foreign climes, and crimes. How
many burglaries, garrotings, and other costly robberies might yearly
be prevented, if a philanthropic Somebody started a society for aiding
the expatriation of our self-transporting criminals, and thus enabled
threatened miscreants to get out of the country ere their evil courses
led them to get into Portland gaol!
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
81
THE NEW ORIGINAL.
by walker the younger.
char I.—on industry.
With what singular persistency of purpose does that diminutive and
laborious creature, the Bee, turn to account every minute of sunshine !
The construction of "her cell is a marvel of insect architecture; and if you
■were to attempt to spread wax with the same neatness and regularity,
you would no doubt, fail in the most ignominious manner. At least,
I know I should ; for I was only the other day sealing a letter when 1
burned my fingers dreadfully. I am aware that bee's-wax is not sealing-
wax ; but still if I had used bee's-wax to fasten my envelope, I dare say
I should have made just as bad a mess of it, or worse. Then again, look
how the Bee labours to store those octagonal chambers with the
saccharine food she is all the day gathering from roses, tulips, candy-
tuft, pelargoniums, pansies, pinks, hollyhocks, fuchsias, heliotropes,
marigolds, "dahlias, begonias, lupines, lilies, daffydowndillies, and, in
short, every opening flower. I can't help thinking that if the whole of
one's time was passed in books or work, or even healthy athletic
pastimes, such, for example, as hop-scotch, dominoes, tossing the caber,
knurr and spell, coddams, cricket, rounders, peg-top, prisoner's-base,
noughts-and-crosses, Aunt, Sally, cribbage, nine-pins, Indian clubs,
fly-the-garter, boxing, balancing tobacco-pipes on the tip of one's nose,
skimming halfpence at cats or attic-windows, turning catherine-wheels
in the road, or putting the stone, we might haply give as good an
account of every day as our little friend the Bee could do, if so re-
quired. (Since the foregoing was committed to manuscript, 1 have
met with some similar ideas in verse, by a Dr. What 's-his-name. _ I do
not, however, think it necessary or desirable to cancel my own original
reflections on a subject which, after ail, is quite open to anybody.)
chap. ii -on quantifying the predicate.
The cause why the quantitative note is not usually joined with the
predicate is, that there would be two qucesita at once; to wit, whether
the predicate were affirmed of the subject, and whether it were denied
of everything beside. For when one says that all Buffer is all twaddle,
we judge that all Buffer is twaddle, and likewise that, twaddle is denied
of everything but Buffer. Yet these are in reality two different
qucesiia, and therefore it has become usual to state them, not in one,
but in two several propositions. And this is self-evident, seeing that a
qucesitum in itself asks only—Does or does not this inhere in that, as
Buffer in twaddle or twaddle in Buffer ? and not, Does or does not
this, as Buffer or twaddle, inhere in that, as twaddle or Buffer, and
at the same time inhere in nothing else in the whole imaginable
universe ? (A. remarkable coincidence of thought, and even, to some
extent, of language, has been kindly brought to my notice, too late for
me to act upon the friendly hint—for which I am nevertheless deeply
grateful—that somebody or other, perhaps Mr. John Stuart Mill,
and perhaps not, points out the vice of Sir William Hamilton's pro-
ceeding, in quantifying the predicate, in very much the same words
that I have here employed to represent my notions about the business.)
chap. iii.—on blowing your brains out.
I would put the question to any sensible man, whether he does or
does not consider it nobler in the mind to suffer many inconveniences,
to which slings and arrows are mere flea-bites by comparison—and
especially I might indicate blighted affections, the procrastination of
your family solicitor when there is property to be distributed, in which
you have a share, losses on the Derby, tightness of the money-market,
the impertinence of the fellow who keeps on calling for the Queen's
taxes, and, generally, the spurns that patient merit is obliged to put up
with from all kinds of cads and humbugs, and stuck-up little beasts,
who give themselves no end of airs, and try to ride rough-shod over
everybody who has not had the same luck that they have—than to
terminate one's existence by an act of felo-de-se ? Well, you know, the
fact is that nobody would be fool enough to go on day after day
standing this sort of thing, if It wasn't for a deuced strong objection to
becoming a body, and being sat upon by a dozen tradesmen, some of
whom perhaps have been confoundedly rude to one in one's life, when
one has not, happened to be able to pay one's bills the moment one
has been called upon in a sudden and peremptory, not to say insolent,
manner to do so. There's the rub ! On consideration, most people
will rather bear the ills they have than do anything desperate to get rid
of them. (I have but this moment met with a passage iu a shocking
tragedy, by the well-known Shakspeare, that bears a decided family
likeness to my philosophic proposition. It will scarcely be expected
that I should expunge the foregoing observations, because of their
likeness to what was written at a distant period of English literature.)
Misleading.—" An Old Player " writes to express his disappoint-
ment at an article in the Echo, headed " The Stumping Season," not
containing one single word about this year's cricket.
THE DOMESTIC MISSING LINK.
To do instead, I often think,
Of servant-girl, or flunkey,
We ought to have the Missing Link
Which negro binds to monkey ;
An ape, anthropoid in degree
So high that it could fill a
Place ourang-outang, chimpanzee
Can't, neither can gorilla :
A place beneath the Sable Moor
(Not brown Moor of Morocco)
To Quashee one on the next floor
Below, and over Jocko :
An ape, the male—with calves, to choose—
To tread the footboard able ;
Both sexes knives, forks, plates, and shoes
To clean, and wait at table ;
An ape, which, as to brain and hands,
On man so nearly borders,
That it can construe our commands,
And execute our orders ;
A drudge, in case of its neglect,
Its clumsiness, or kicking,
You could as lawfully correct
As give your dog a licking.
At will you could get rid of it,
Could nowise be its debtor,
Your service whilst it could not quit
Itself that it might better.
'"Twould cost you nothing but, its keep,
Ne'er trouble you for wages,
So might your household be as cheap
As any saint's or sage's.
Prom followers allowed, or not,
Could spring no complications ;
For you could regulate, you wot,
All that sort of relations.
Worn out with age, as horse or ass,
When used up, you could treat 'em ;
Turn them, in their way, out to grass :
Or dogs and cats might eat 'em.
The nigger is a sort of man,
Although that sort's another :
We want slaves; but a slave we can
Not make a man and brother.
The needful being should exist,
Which sense hath, but behind it
No soul; the Missing Link, how missed !
Oh would that we could find it!
VOLUNTARY TRANSPORTATION.
Habitual criminals should listen to the words of wisdom and of
warning, addressed to one of them the other day by worthy Mr.
Knox :—
" Penal servitude for life was a dreadful thing—it was staring prisoner in
the face, and sooner than undergo it he had better be out of this life. He
(Mr. Knox) had been a witness of what it was. A new law had recently
been passed, . . and the only chance for him when he next came out of
prison was to leave this country. England was too hot to hold him, and he
had better ship himself off, or there was little doubt what would be his end."
Self-transportation, or penal servitude for life : this seems the alter-
native under the new law, and Mr. Knox advises criminals to prefer
the first. To be sure, there is a third course open to such persons,
namely, that of living honestly at home, and this doubtless might be
found the least unpleasant of the three. But if men persist in crime,
they had better far transport themselves than go to penal servitude,
which is of the two the more unpleasant punishment, teste Mr.
Knox.
The question may arise as to how men self-transporting are possibly to
get sufficient money for their passage, and the answer might be given
that, in very many cases, it would clearly pay the country to provide
funds for their shipment to some foreign climes, and crimes. How
many burglaries, garrotings, and other costly robberies might yearly
be prevented, if a philanthropic Somebody started a society for aiding
the expatriation of our self-transporting criminals, and thus enabled
threatened miscreants to get out of the country ere their evil courses
led them to get into Portland gaol!