Punch (60.1871)

126

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

[March 25, 1871.

DOLTS OF DOVER.

irs, —Mr. Punch has been
much ill-treated in this
Dover business. He speaks
of "this Dover business"
without explanation, for,
thanks to nis contempo-
raries, all the civilised world
is aware that by a majority
of 15 to 13 it has been de-
cided that Punch shall not
bo taken in by the Dover
Young Men's Christian
Association. He could,
perhaps, bear that, with
the fortitude furnished by
philosophy, but his griev-
ance is that the Dolts
of Dover committed their

But now, Mr. Mowll (why the initial and final ?), one word with
you. "We are apprised by the report that you

" —took up pretty much the same ground as the Mayor had occupied
and triumphantly producing a back number of Punch, containing a humorous
illustration of an old lady imparting to a sympathising friend the fact that
although she permitted Jemima, the cook, to go to chapel three times a-day
she discharged her duties in the kitchen no better, arguing that this was a
Sneer at Religion."

Wm / jrcHjmHM '• \ trinity of so demolishing

1 / qJmHnHRmJ V\ thi unhappy criminals that

A / /flfflmfflsfM ■ \ - little is left for Mr. Punch

t' y^^MaJlSHffimttm \ \ to do, except to make his

<&li§l^lni " \ ^)es1 D0W 1" ^s faitHful

■'^^mW^^^^^ \ A Allies- Dean Swift ob-

'^/t^ffi& fMm 1 \ serves fna^ one doesn't

^ throw water on drowned

%/ " However, he has a word

■ ;) or two more to say. First

one with His Worship, Mr.
E. Knocker, at present Mayor of Dover. This personage is stated,
in the report of the meeting at which the above amazing decision
was arrived at, to have abused Punch,

" Believing it to be a publication contemptuous of Religious Influences, if
not absolutely hostile to them."

Unhappy Dover, unhappy Mayor ! Over head and cars tumbleth
his Worship at the first word. Why does he "believe" anything
about the character of a publication, when it is open before him,
and, if he can read it, he can " know" what it contains. But per-
haps Mr. Knocker's modesty suggested the word—be is not a brass
knocker—and he only ventures to believe that he understands
Punch. Well, he does not, but we forgive that. But then Mr.
Knocker, like the scandal-monger in the play, says, " As we know
nothing about it, let us believe the worst "

0, Mowtll, Mowll ! We cannot be serious with you. From one
or two things your Mayor said (we have hinted why we do not touch
on them), we believe that his dismalness is respectable, and we have
respectfully castigated it. But you must be simply stupid. With
that picture staring you in the face, and with the meaning palpable,
you detect a Sneer at Religion. It would be wrong to flagellate you!
Poor Mr. Mowll. Please take from Mr. Punch the assurance that
the meaning of the picture was the exact reverse of what you
imagined. Are you sure that your name isn't Mole ? Then it
ought to be. But if you are quite sure that it isn't, why—off' to
your Thistles.

But what of Dover ? What of its Young Christians ? What of
crime against sense at a date j people who can choose such Rulers and can submit to them ? We
which afforded all Ms news- suppose that they suit Dover, and the next deduction is that Dover
paper friends an oppor- j must be a place of Dolts. Well, (here interposing our Royal

acknowledgments to the Rev. H. P. Hughes, who exposed the
absurdity of the Mayor and President, and to the 12 others, who
" voted Punch") Ave apprise Dover that its unhappy dulness shall
be respected and tenderly cared for. Our pictures shall henceforth
be explained (in foot note or otherwise) for the instruction of Dover,
and as the Essex Calf has been improved into average sense, Punch
hopes that years of cultivation may elevate the Dover Dolt.

A REASON.

{Faute de 3Iieux.)

What right to be First Lord has Mr./Goschen I

This right at least—that hie name rhymes to ocean.

And as his name is Joachim, the riddle \

Is further read in hope he '11 play first fiddle.

Not to the tune that Gladstone now bewilders,

And from the race has scratched poor Flying Childers !

A DISAPPOINTMENT.

TO SCHOOLS AND INSTITUTES—A Member of the Mathe-
matical Society will be happy to deliver SIX LECTURES on the

Poetry of Motion—

-being introductory to the study of Euclid, Trigonometry, and the

Higher Plane Curves.'

Very puzzled to think what the connection can possibly be between
the Waltz, the Quadrille, and the pas seul, and "Euclid, Trigono-
metry, and the Higher Plane Curves ; " and fear we are altogether
mistaken in our notion of the lecturer's benevolent design.

Religious Influences " is a phrase belonging to a certain class of ^ ery pleased to find that learning can unbend and disport itself
Christians, among whom are thousands of "the best people in Ehg- I on such a fascinating subject as Dancing, for which, of course, the
land. Therefore Mr. Punch will not (and certainly not on the j Poetry of Motion " is only a graceful euphuism-
provocation of such a very weak vessel as poor Mr. Knocker) depart
from his thirty years' rule of never chastising folly in a way that
may offend piety. He therefore merely remarks that when Mr.
Knocker (a "serious attorney ") will leave off "believing," and
will point out one paragraph or picture, in all Mr. Punch's volumes,
which evinces contempt of Religious Influences, Mr. Punch will
make the amplest amends.

But a gentleman—(we would say a Christian, but for being
adjudgedunworthy company for the young Christians of Dover) always
supposes the best, as long as he can. Mr. Punch supposes that
Mr. Knocker is a dismal person. He is to be pitied for this. If he

tlrinks that Nature made a mistake in supplying us with a machinery I e'ear air. ruNCH? _

for smiling and laughing, or that it is a sin to use that machinery, I . T?f 1°A° 18 mme' and 1 have been lookmg at xt untA 1
we can but deplore the profanity that criticises Nature, and wish , 1ul^e admire R :

that Mr. Knocker map some day abate his presumption. And we j " Arma virumque cano" says the poet; " Arma vir usque cano"
have done with him when we have conferred on him our Royal j say the Harrow boys when they are licked for refusing to be
Licence to change his name—by altering one letter. | vaccinated.

In a book by an author whose name he may have heard—nay, j That's good, though I say it that shouldn't. Yours respectfully,
seen, for he_must have visited Westminster Abbey—Me. Knocker ' . Harrow Boy's Father

will find this passage. It will serve for a motto which lie should T , -. -, ,, „ -,

cause to be printed, with a black border, and hung up by a black j L Indeed you snoulan t.— t .J
cord in the reading-room of his Christian young men.

HARROWING.

Dear Mr. Punch,

Waspe. Why do you laugh, Sir ?

Quarlom. Sir, you'll allow me my Christian liberty. I may
laugh, I hope ?

Kngckem. Nay, in some sort, Sir, he may neither laugh nor
hope in this Company.

Anthropoid Apes ?

Wte are informed that numerous quids have been lately discovered in
the conglomerate. They are supposed to be relics of a transitional
period when monkeys chewed tobacco. The scientific author of
The Descent of Man should have one of these quids presented to

Of Mr. Mayor Knockeji, whose ideas of the conduct befitting ^
young Christians are thus crystallised, Mr. Punch takes leave—
with the sensation experienced on coming out of the shop of a highly Extra Wteek's Holiday at Eton. — Her Majesty the Queen
respectable undertaker, j having been successfully re-vaccinated, it has been decided, &c, &c.