Punch: Punch (69.1875)

August 7, 1875.]

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

53

"FOREWARNED, FOREARMED."

Our Reporter (before Public Dinner). " Beg Pardon, my Lord ! Bur could tour Lordship
kindly oblige me by giving me a hlnt as to what your lordship is going to say, in
Eeply to the Duke, when his Grace proposes your Lordship's Health ?"

Mis Lordship. "How can I tell you what I'm going to Say until I've heard what
the Duke says ?"

Our Reporter. " 0, I can oblige your Lordship with what his Grace is going to
Say. i've got it all in my Pocket ! " [Produces Manuscript.

IREPENTANCE.

{By a Domesticated Stockbroker.)

"Well, here I am, Matilda,
I've brought you the fish and ice;

It isn't turbot, it's brill, dear,
And I hope that you '11 find it nice ;

And give me a chair, my poppet,
And something that's cool to drink;

And Eau de Cologne, dear—drop it
On my forehead before I sink;

And open the window wider,
And bring me my slippers, love,

And order a cup of eider,
And lend me your fan, my dove ;

And where is the cool silk jacket
I purchased last year for ease ?

If it isn't unpacked, unpack it,
And give it me, if you please ;

And I think that I '11 take a nap, dear,
Or at least just close my eyes,

And bring me my smoking-cap, dear,
And a pillow, and—drat the flies I

For all this blessed day long, love,
I've been toiling in the heat,

And I feel I've been very wrong, love,
As likewise have you, my sweet;

And we'd better make up our minds, pet,
That in future we '11 promise not

To complain of the chilling winds, pet,
For to-day it is much too hot.

City Sports.

For some years past the all-absorbing
amusement east of Temple Bar has been
Kite-flying. Fashions will change, how-
ever, and this pastime has had to cede the
palm lately to some very smart Cricket-
ing,—in which many of the most success-
ful Kite-flyers only came off second-best.
Several of them were soon stumped—some
experiencing a difficulty in finding their
bails after they were bowled over.

On the side of the field, both long and
short slips were found at the Banks—by no
means their proper places. In some games
leg was not square, and in one case he dis-
appeared with the bail. The most effective
bowling has been that of a Young hand,
who has made several good catches, and
seems the only player likely to reap at the
same time honour and profit from the late
City games.

A BAG OF TEICKS !

The Perplexed Party.

The Professor will hold up a number of Measures before a Party,
Professor Disraeli, Wizard of the East, Inventor of the "Asian | and will ask for the colour of the Measures. The reply of the Party

will be "black." Immediately the Professor will prove that the
Measures are " white," to the astonishment of all beholders.

Mystery," &c, &c, presents his compliments to the Members of both
Houses of Parliament and the Public generally, and begs to state
that he has recently added the following amusing tricks to his
already extensive repertoire of Political Illusions:—

The Magic Mess.

The Professor will take a dozen first-rate Bills (collected hap-
hazard from the ranks of the Ministry), and after allowing them to
grow to an extraordinary size, will cause them to vanish, by the
waving of a pen, into thin air. In the place of the dozen first-rate
Bills will be found a small and unpopular Measure of the Professor's
own construction.

The Phantom Paper.
( In this trick the Professor will take a popular Bill and destroy it
m the presence of the Public. A storm will immediately arise,
upon which the Professor will speedily restore the Bill to what (the
Public will believe) was its original condition.

The Changeable Order Booh.
The Professor will cause the names of a number of Bills to appear
on the pages of an Order Book. He will invite the World to get
rid of them, and the invitation will not be accepted. Suddenly
(when least expected) the page, at the Professor's command, will
become a blank.

Sound versus Vapour.

The Professor will take the Queen's Speech and pass it round for
inspection. It will be found to contain a large number of promises.
By an effort of will, th© Professor will change all the promises into
smoke.

The Vanishing Majority.

This remarkable feat (in which nearly seventy votes will be made
to disappear in the most extraordinary manner) is in active prepa-
ration, and will probably be exhibited in the House of Commons
shortly after the completion of the Kecess.

The Professor pledges himself to perform the last-mentioned feat
in a third of the time consumed in its accomplishment by his pre-
decessor, Dr. William Ewart Gladstone.

On a Proposed Abandonment.

To massacre the Innocents,
We know's a sad affair ;

But throwing Sailors overboard
Was more than we could bear.