Punch (69.1875)

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PUNCH, OE THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [September 4, 1875.

"SILENCE IS GOLDEN."

Chatty Old Gent. " Have you Long Hours he-ar, Portar?"

Railway Porter (whose Temper has been spoilt). " Same as anywheres else, I

s'pose—Sixty Minutes ! "- (Bell rings, Railway Porter touches up Old Gent's

favourite corn, and rushes off I)

Old Gent. " Pfl—0—0—o—o— ! "

THE FIRST!

Lo, September is here before Summer's begun!

For some of our many offences,
The Clerk of the Weather has kept back the sun,
The riotous rain has come down with a run;
But now that the pulses of Autumn are stirred,
We '11 trudge through the " turmuts," in search of
the bird

That was rarest Ausoniis mensis,*

We've dragged the inert Parliamentary train

Up a humdrum political gradient.
Disraeli, no doubt, of the Session is vain,
Since he wished for a quiet and faineant reign ;
He unluckily found no commensurate foeman,
So he '11 plausibly talk to the Buckingham Yeoman,

And show him a future most radiant.

Vivian Grey, once the sprucest of Radical bucks,

Bears high the Conservative banner :
He has run, in his time, multitudinous mucks,
Has quietly taken his varying lucks,
And now down at Hughenden leans on his spud,
And lectures the men who are masters of mud,
As if he were born to the manor.

Let the Premier enjoy his recess as he may,

We '11 fly to the loca amcena—
The tramp through the stubble, the sail on the bay,
G-ay dinner and chat at the end of the day ;
Not a word about Vatican pamphlet Gladstonian,
Of blatant Kenealy—the sham Ciceronian,

Or even the Herzegovina.

No, misty-bright autumn, Punch will not insult

Your beauty with bosh he remembers:
In the glory of capital sport he '11 exult,
And shamelessly flirt with each pretty adult.
Though the Germans should give us a Battle of
Dorking,

He, with shooting and flirting, and good knife-and-
forking,

Will make it the First of Septembers.
* Martial, xiii. 65.

Motto for Major Dickson.—For Ahmed fore-
warned.

USING GOOD NAMES.

Far be it from Mr. Punch to puff a Music-Hail singer, whether

Clergy do not ask him to perform at the next Festival, and request
him to give "Lord Swoon ; or, the Exhausted Swell," The Shah,"
"The Beautiful Blonde," "Slap Bang!" " Old Brown''s Daughter,?'
and other choice tastes of his quality, which have doubtless contri-

he be a "Giant Comique" or a "Little Wonder," or "The buted vastly to the amusement of their Royal Highnesses, above
Unequalled " Somebody, or " The Great" Nobody. But Mr. Punch j advertised, and still more to that class of young men of the period,

has just received a programme of the " Great Vance's " entertain-
ment, with a picture of the immense comic vocalist himself (and,
by the way, the Great [Creature's hairdresser should insist upon
advertising himself underneath this charming "portrait of a gentle-
man"), and extracts from various papers, stating the almost
unutterable enjoyment they (the writers) have derived from the
Great One's " unexampled," admirable," " artistic," " eminently
successful" impersonations, delineations, &c, &c. So far, "live
and let live " being the motto, and every man his own trumpeter
in the World's Fair, there's no harm done to any one, and much
good may it do the Magnate of Mimics—a new title to which the
Great Artiste is welcome.

But, at the head of all this puffery, there is an announcement
which Mr. Punch reads with regret, and it is this :

"Patron—H.E.H. Prince cf "Wales. Patroness—H.H.K. Princess of
Wales."

Are the names of their Royal Highnesses used with, or without,
permission ? If "with," it is a great pity: if " without," the Great
One should be politely requested to omit them from his pro-
gramme.

There is one delicious puff which, however, should not be
omitted,—

"N.B.—It is a noted fact that the Aristocracy, Clergy, and Gentry of the
Three Kingdoms recognise Vance's Varieties as the most refined Comic
Entertainment of the day."

It calls to mind " Jarley's Waxworks." It is a wonder that the

of the cheap swell order, with the rakish air, the unwashed hands,
and the bad cigar, who, we suppose, are included among the
"Gentry" that patronise the Great Vance. But surely, surely,
our Princess and. our Prince are not really giving their countenance
to this sort of thing !

PRELIMINARY.

Shall we go at all ?
When shall we go ?
Where shall we go ?

Shall we go to Pierpoint, where the mortality, according to the
Registrar-General, is only 11'2 per 1000, or to Sandbeach, where'the
same authority reckons it at 1119 P (Shall we study decimal arith-
metic, to comprehend the exact difference between these two rates ?)

Shall we go down, beforehand, to both these places, and see which of
them we like the best; and ascertain which has the most thorough
system of drainage, and the purest water, and the best air, and the
nicest people, and the most comfortable beds ? -

Shall we go to Shingleton, where there is a pier and no sands, or
to Glareville, where there are sands, but no pier ?

Shall we ask the Dartletts, who are at Billowsmere, to look out
for rooms for us there ?

Shall we take a furnished house, or lodgings ?

If we decide on a house, shall we take our own plate and linen ?

Shall we take Sarah with us, as well as Elizabeth ?

If we settle on lodgings, shall they be expensive and close to the