Punch: Punch (69.1875)

October 2, 1875.]

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

135

SYMPATHY.

Plain-featured Party, who is a strong advocate for Cremation, begs his Friend will
see that his remains are submitted to that process, in case of his sudden death.

His Friend. " All right, old Mak. Birr—a—hadn't you better wait
till the Fifth of November ?"

MISTAKES ABOUT SCOTLAND.

(Contributed by a Converted Cockney.)

It is a mistake to believe that every Scotchman, when
he goes to Edinburgh, immediately walks down Princes
Street clad in the ancient costume of the Highlanders.

It is a mistake to believe that the piece de resistance
at every Scotch dinner-party is a Haggis.

It is a mistake to believe that a Scotchman does not
enjoy a joke every bit as much as an Englishman.

It is a mistake to believe that a Scotch Sabbath in the
country is a whit more triste than an English Sunday in
the provinces.

It is a mistake to believe that a Scotchman sets a
greater value upon his " bawbee" than an Englishman
upon his shilling or an American upon his dollar.

It is a mistake to believe that inns in Scotland are
dearer and less comfortable than hotels in England.

It is a mistake to believe that we have a City in
England that can compare favourably (from an archi-
tectural point of view) with the town of Edinburgh.

It is a mistake to believe that it always rains in the
Isle of Skye.

It is a mistake to believe that there are no more
" Fair Maids" in the houses of Perth.

It is a mistake to believe that Hampstead Heath is as
beautiful as Dunkeld.

It is a mistake to believe that the Caledonian Canal is
at all like the Serpentine.

It is a mistake to believe that Aberdeen is less im-
posing in appearance than Chelsea or Islington.

It is a mistake to believe that the countrymen of Scott
and Burns do not appreciate the works of Shakspeare,
Milton, Byron, Dickens, Thackeray, and Tennyson.

And, lastly (this is added to the Cockney's list by the
wisest Sage of this or any other age), it is the greatest
mistake of all to believe that Mr. Punch does not like
and respect (in spite of an occasional joke made at their
expense) the kindly, homely, sound-hearted people who
live North of the Tweed.

a little dialogue at "the c. s. c.

" Australian Beef has gone up,
I'm sorry to see, Mrs. Brown."

" Alas ! my dear Mrs. Smith,

With us it has never gone down! "

And yet 'tis written that once it stood, the pride of the Thames
that washed it,

Till a league of Common Councilmen—the boobies!—went and
boshed it.

John Bull, no doubt was a Trader stout, but methinks it seems
a pity

That tasteless greed had so tight a grip on the purse-strings of
his City.'"

Quoth Mr. Punch, "This will never" do I These turtle-gulping
vandals

Must not be permitted to perpetrate this sorriest of scandals.
John s happiest part is not High Art, and ^Esthetics rather fog
him,

But to make him kick at this sort of trick, there is only need to
jog him.

"I, Punch, must play the Pontifex, and quash this skinflint
quorum;

(The only bridge they should meddle with is the old Pons
Asinorum.)

On rival plans, and piers, and spans, let the rival C.E.'s squabble,
But a bridge like this is no thing, I wis, for the dolts to botch and
cobble.

" Trade must have way, and if John's to pay, he has cash, and is
good to give it;

But he shan't be lured into bogus schemes by the spell of a gilded
rivet.

Though boiler-plate be a blessed thing, and the paint-pot Sham's
sheet-anchor,

Yet the patchwork span these potterers plan might inspire a
oamt with rancour.

" The Gradgrind theory's sway is wide in this money-grubbing
grim age; °

But a bridge as heterogeneous as King Nebuchadnezzar's image

Is a quite superfluous eyesore, a gratuitous concession

To the Demon of Utter Ugliness which holds us in possession.

Up, up, aesthetic Ruskin, then! Come forth with lash and lecture,
Thou foe of jobs and jumbles and hybrid Architecture!
Thy scourge and Punch's baton, John, together plied, must
trounce ill,

If they do not wake to wisdom e'en a Court of Common Council."

CONSERVATIVE EDUCATION.

Mr. Punch,

Sir,—I hear people call the present Ministry Tories. Sir,
I say they are not even Conservatives. Here is Mr. Cross actually
opening an Educational Bazaar at Orwell, and making a speech in
which he tells workpeople that they might as well starve their
children as not send them to school! Mr. Eorster could not have
said more, and I don't see a pin to choose between Forster and
Cross, nor indeed between Disraeli and Gladstone, for the matter
of that. Education! Why, wasn't it Dizzy himself who boasted that
he had educated his Party, and now his Party begins to talk, not only
of educating the People, but of compelling them to be educated.
He has given them a "Liberal education" with a vengeance. But
he hasn't educated me. I hold to the belief that popular education
is as dangerous politically as it is pecuniarily expensive. It will
only make the working classes dissatisfied with their lot in life.
Don't tell me education will prevent drunkenness. A sufficient pre-
ventive of drunkenness would be the Stocks, if we had a genuine
Conservative and Tory Government to revive them amongst other
good old Institutions insanely abolished. I know there is no hope of
such Conservative legislation as that. Some say Cross is what they
call in advance of his colleagues ; but, no doubt, they will soon all
give in to the cry for education to keep in office—the time-servers !
They 're all alike to Yours, in disgus t,

An Uneducated Tohy.