Punch (80.1881)

120 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [March 12, 1881,

SEASONABLE ADVICE TO ALL.

Says Aaron to Moses,
"I've got Trichinosis !"

Says Moses to Aaron,
"You shouldn't Pork fare ox.

THE MILITARY CORRESPONDENT OE THE

EUTURE.

Mr. Punch, feeling the full -weight of the recommendation of
H.R.H. the Duke of Cambridge, that Newspaper Correspondents at
the seat of war should reveal no secrets of military importance, has
engaged his "Own Special Special." That Gentleman has been
requested to send only such intelligence as can he given to the
public without injury to British interests. The following is the first
commivnication that has been received from him :—

Head- Quarters.

Here I am. I cannot tell you exactly where, because that would
be playing into the hands of the enemy ; nor can I give you any date,
for the same excellent reason. Doubtless you would like to learn
the number of forces under the General's command. But then,
" which General ? " you might ask, and I certainly should be unable
to satisfy you. So if I cannot give you the name of the chief officer,
it would be absurd going into details about the force he has the
honour to command. In this I am sure you will agree with me.

You want to know, no doubt, how we are off for infantry, and I
frankly admit that I have means of gratifying your curiosity to the
utmost. But then patriotism steps in and bids me hold my pen. If
I gave you our "field state," it would be published in the morning
in London, to find its way over here before the close of the same
evening. So you see that I should be guilty of a great breach of
duty if I said a single word upon the subject. I may hint, however,
in the most guarded manner possible, that perhaps we have one
battalion, perhaps two hundred dozen. I must leave you to decide
which number is most likely to be with us. This will be a little
exercise for your intelligence and ingenuity.

As to cavalry, you can scarcely expect me to say much about them.
As you know the duty of mounted soldiers is to act as scouts. In a
pitched battle they sometimes charge. Of course such a force would
be useful here, as it would be useful anywhere. But have we such
a force ? And here you press me too closely. I must respectfully
decline to say another word on the subject. I trust you will appre-

ciate -this reticence. If your readers are disappointed, they must
console themselves with the reflection that what I do is done for the
best.

Artillery, too, is not an uninteresting topic. There are many, no
doubt, who would like to learn whether we have any guns with us.
Perhaps we have, perhaps we have not. If we have, our cannon can
scarcely fail of securing attention sooner or later. Sooner or later,
I repeat; and heartily hope that by fixing this date I have not been
guilty of indiscretion. Should you have any doubt upon this point,
please show my despatch to a military expert, and be guided by his
opinion upon the subject. Yrou will not offend me by cutting the
imssage out.

Send remittances—which are " the Sinews of War "—addressed to
me Poste Jtestante, Rue Jean Jacques Ptousseau. I will take care
that it shall reach me safely. In the meanwhile do not be surprised
at finding the envelope of this letter bearing the Paris post-mark.
As I have already told you, and as I tell you again, my chief object
in life is to puzzle the enemy !

OUR ADVERTISING WEATHER FORECASTS.

Monday, Daytime.—
Bright, clear, and sunny.
Temperature delightful
for out-door exercise in
London and country all
day. Same on coast. Same
everywhere. (N.B.—Fine
opportunity for tailors'
and dressmakers' adver-
tisements—Cut your cloth
according to your w7eather.)

Evening.—Capital wea-
ther for going to theatres,
whether walking or driv-
ing. (N.B.—This_ should
be a good opening for
theatrical advertisements.
Accommodating weather
forecasts being guaranteed,
so that everyone can book
a month in advance.)

Tuesday, Daytime.—A
trifle unsettled. Showery.
(N.B.—Here could come in
umbrella-makers' adver-
tisements. Open to com-
petition. Also waterproof-
coat-makers and mackin-
toshists can apply.)

Evening.—Queer. Dirty under foot. Slippery. Occasional pelting
storms, wetting you through in a second. (N.B.—This is just to
show what we could do if we liked. Theatrical Managers, beware !)

Wednesday, Daytime.—Dull in town, but delightful at Brighton,
Ramsgate, Margate, Sunbury, Putney, Surbiton, Kempton Park,
&c, &c. (N.B.—First-rate opportunity for advertising excursion
trains, race meetings, &c, &c.)

Evening.—Murky and unpleasant in London. Charming at Crystal
Palace and Alexandra. (N.B.— Evident chances for advertisers.)

ROYAL PRACTICAL JOKE.

"We are delighted to see that our beloved Queen is in excellent
spirits. Nothing, for a long time, has given us greater pleasure
than reading in the Court Circular of Thursday last how Her
Gracious Majesty assembled a Council at "Windsor, and then, when
the gravest possible business was being transacted,—

" Her Majesty pricked the Sheriffs at the Council."

How those Sheriffs (bless 'em!) must have jumped and roared
again ! and how Earls Spencer, Sydney, and Mr. John Bright—
who were " all there "—must have screamed with laughter.

Ah! to quote Mr. Terry, in AH Baba, "We are a merry (Royal)
Family—we are !—we are! "

erom the lobby.

Ie the Solicitor-General for Ireland is, according to Mr. Dawson,
" The Junior Freshman of the Ministry," Sir W. V. Harcourt,. it is
said, has already come out as " Senior Wrangler,"

AcademicAi.—Combine the two Colleges, Girton and Newnham,
under the title of "The Sister University."

SS~ To Con respondents.—The Editor does not hold Tiv.nseSf bound to acknowledge, -return, or pay for Contributions. In no case can these be returned unless accompanied by &

stamped and directed envelope. Copies should be kept.