Punch (80.1881)

178

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

[April 16, 1881.

Why He is Such a Dull Boy.

" 'Aery," said an eminent
comic singer to his friend, con-
fidentially at the Oxford, "I'm
exclusively engaged at the Music
'Alls ; mayn't perform in a
theatre."

" Then," replied 'Arry, know-
ingly, "it's 'all work and no play
with you."

The conclusion was so evident
that, had it not been for a good
deal of soothing syrup at 'Arry's
expense, there might have been a
serious breach of the peace.

Trade Motto tor a First-
rate Coffee Compact.—"Berry
good."

FUSSY ACTIVITY. PUNCH'S FANCY PORTRAITS.-

Parliament, panic-stricken by
the " disaster at Nice;" has called
for returns of the exits from the
London Theatres. _ Parliament
would be more usefully employed
if it looked into its own Acts and
repealed those which have limited
these exits as much as possible.
That splendid example of Molly-
coddling legislation — the half-
past twelve o'clock Act, should
be the first sacrificed. Under its
provisions more than one London
Theatre have had to sacrifice
splendid exits and stone stair-
cases, because, forsooth, they have
communicated with restaurants,
and restaurants are forbidden to
communicate with buildings work-
ing under a different licence.
Such Siamese-twins as the Gaiety
Theatre and the Gaiety Restaur -
ant are joined together no more, I
thanks to the fussy activity of I
Parliament and the sympathetic
action of the Meddlevex Irre-
sponsibles.

THE MEDDLEVEX MAGISTRATE.

Chorus—" Like a fine old Meddlevex Magistrate
All of the modem time."

THERE IS MUCH VIRTUE
IN IFS.

If the Corporation can explain
their transactions with regard to
Epping Forest, let them do so.

If they have made large pur-
chases of land and public-houses
in the heart of the Forest, let
them say so.

If their anxiety for an exten-
sion of railways into the Forest
is solely for their own benefit, let
them say so.

If their regard for the conve-
nience of the poor is only a pre-
text, let them say so.

If the scheme for invading the
Forest is really given up, let it
remain so.

If Sir Thomas Nelson is really
the City Remembrancer, let him
remember this.

The Seldom-at-Home
Secretary.

When asked a question the
other night as to the idiotic and
offensive action of the Meddlevex
Magistrates, Sir William Har-
cotjrt said he had no authority
over these gentlemen. No one
supposed he had, but everyone
expected him to say that he
would immediately obtain au-
thority. Sir William is not gene-
rally very polite to persons of
weak intellect, and if a so-called
Home Secretary has no power to
govern at Home, the country
might possibly like to do without
his services.

To Friends at a Distance.—
We have no more room in our
waste-paper basket for any joke
about'' Sound Investments" being
"Buying Telephone Shares."

THE ROUGH'S RAILWAY-GUIDE.

The Ready Rough may always
regard a Third-Class Carriage, or
indeed, any carriage he can make
his way into with or without a
ticket, on the Underground Rail-
way as a sort of travelling Alsatia,
where brutal blackguardism finds
" sanctuary."

The one duty of a Guard—as of
a watch—is to "keep time." He
is not expected to keep anything
else, except tips. For instance he is not bound to keep his temper,
or to keep on the look out for Roughs.

No one has a legal right to get into a carriage which is full, but
then a third-class carriage never is full so long as one more brawny
brute can violently force his way into it.
_ When bent upon enjoying the exceptional privileges and immuni-
ties reserved for blackguardism by the Underground. Gallios, it is
only necessary for a few hulking ruffians, big of course, and half
drunk by preference, to thrust themselves violently into some com-
partment containing not less than twice its legal complement. In
doing this they will, of course, rudely trample the toes of weak
women, and insolently dislodge the hats of inoffensive men; thus
paving the way pleasantly for future operations.

Having squeezed themselves in somehow, they can then further
indulge in the lesser amenities of travel by puffing rank tobacco
smoke in the faces of their fellow-passengers, expectorating at large
with not too nice a reference to direction, and indulging in howling,
chaff, and horse-play of the most offensive character.

The addition of blasphemy, especially if there should be women
and children present, may probably provoke a mild remonstrance

from some one, and then the Rough's opportunity has arrived
at last.

To particularise the Rough's rules for dealing with such an objector
and his sympathisers — if any — would be as tedious as super-
fluous ; but the combined arts of the low pugilist, the intoxi-
cated wife-beater, and the Lancashire " purler," may be called into
play, with much enjoyment and perfect safety, until the object of
his wrath is beaten into unconsciousness or kicked into convulsions.
On reaching a Station, the frightened passengers may perhaps
dare to appeal to the Guard! That autocratic official will of
course, with much angry hustling and holloaing, declare that he
can't stop to interfere, his business being, not to stay actual violence
or prevent possible homicide, but to " keep time," and the ruffianly
scoundrels go off shouting and singing "Rule Britannia" and
telling their pals "what a bloomin' lark they've had in the
Hunderground." _

SIX TO ONE.

" The Identical Notes are being telegraphically agreed upon, and will be
wired to Athens to-morrow. They will be presented separately."—Berlin
Correspondence.

Says St. Petersburg, " sorry I can't interfere,

But just now 1 'm remarkably busy up here."

" Which is really so true," with a laugh, adds Berlin,

" That I strongly advise you to draw your horns in."

" Most excellent counsel! Though I'd help you," says Rome,

" If I hadn't some business on hand nearer home."

" Like myself! Yes, I fear that your move made too soon is ; "

Throws in Paris, " I've business as near home—as Tunis."

"Well, I know humble pie 's not unlike salts and senna,

For I've eaten it once. 'Twasn't nice ! " says Vienna.

'' No doubt. But ' what's done,' don't you know, ' can be wrcdone.

As Shakspeare remarks. So, knock under," says London.