Punch: Punch (81.1881)

158

PUNCH, 0*R THE LONDON

CHARIVARI.

[October 8, 1881.

THINGS ONE WOULD RATHER HAVE LEFT UNSAID.

Jov.es. "I will ! "

TALES BY A STOUT TRAVELLER.—No. 2.
A Wait at "Wilmington.

"Phew!" I exclaimed, as, overcome by excessive heat, and somewhat
tired, I lounged in the verandah of an hotel down South.

" What the blank do you mean by ' phew ! ' " exclaimed my next neighbour,
seated about six yards from me, and whom, up to that moment, I had imagined
to have been asleep.

I made no reply to his query, not feeling inclined for conversation. I was
weary, having been travelling all night.

After a few moments' silence, my companion raised himself from the crouch-
ing position he had hitherto occupied in a rocking-chair, and, having indvdged
in a stretch and a yawn, he turned himself towards me, and again demanded
" what the blank I meant by ' phew ! ' "

" Blank " is not the expression he used: celava sans dire. Ireplied, "I merely
meant that it is very hot. I spoke in a bland and conciliatory half-sleepy tone.

" Hot! " he added. " That's so. It 's_ as hot as ■-." Well, you see what

sort of man he was, and can imagine his simile.

I have stated that I had adopted towards my interrogator a bland and con-
ciliatory tone, and I had my reasons for doing so, as, during the time he
occupied in rousing himself, I had ample opportunity to discover that he was
not only what is politely termed in America inebriate, but of most repulsive,
savage appearance.

He was short, crooked, and had a clump foot, which he evidently was anxious
to conceal, for he sat with it doubled under him; one arm was withered, and
he had the ugliest one-eyed face I ever beheld, to which one bushy eyebrow,
placed, by a law of compensation, over his sightless orb, gave an expression
bordering on Satanic ; in fact, his whole appearance savoured, as did his
language, closely of the diabolical. I shuddered as I contemplated him, and
started when, after a pause, he signalled me to draw my chair more closely to his.

I can't say whether I was fascinated or afraid. I think it was the latter
feeling that influenced me as 1 obeyed his monition. Ho then said, inquiringly,
" Stranger ?"

I assented.

" Britisher ? " he continued.

"Yes," I replied, more boldly, as the Civis Romanus
feeling came over me.

" Ah! thought as much," he replied, in the moody tone
of a savage despot divided in his mind as to whether he
would kill a captive at once, or torture him slowly to
death. "Wall," he continued, "you can't help that;
but look it here, I hate you all! " and he glared at me
with his eyebrow.

I think I was going to offer him an apology for the
accident of my birth, when he continued, '' 1 like the
look of you though, and I '11 give you a drink."

I smiled feebly as he drew from his pocket a small
bottle, which he handed to me, but withdrew at once,
evidently from a sense of politeness, and thinking that
he ought to inspire confidence by drinking first. With
this view he raised the bottle to his lips, and drained it.

" Run out! " he observed, as he replaced the bottle
in his coat-pocket, an action which enabled me to see
that he had a revolver in the pocket made, according to
the custom of the country, to carry that weapon at the
back of his pants.

Thereupon I rose from my chair and muttered some
fictitious allusion about breakfast, of which meal, or the
apology for it, I had already partaken.

" Breakfast be eternally lost! " he exclaimed, only he
put it more tersely. " You have had it, I saw you at it
when I came in;and as he spoke he laid his hand on
my arm and forced me down into my chair again with
the force and grip of a gorilla.

What was to be done ? I could not grapple with him,
for he was as powerful in person as in language: and
besides he carried a formidable bludgeon; I could not
fly, he had a revolver in his pants, the contents of which
I felt certain he would discharge at me if I attempted
a retreat however speedy. Yet for all this he was only
a small, elderly cripple, against whom it would have been
ignominious to call for aid ; besides, I had no charge to
bring against him, except that his looks frightened me,
which would; have been a degrading admission. More-
over, I felt convinced that on my slightest attempt to
raise an alarm, the revolver would have done its fatal
work long before assistance could have reached me. So
I resolved to remain passive, and was subsequently
convinced of the wisdom of this decision. At one time
I had an idea of appealing to the passers-by, who were
frequent and numerous. They all went on their way,
however, with hurried step and averted gaze, in spite of
the vociferous attempts on the part of my new acquaint-
ance to attract their attention. In vain he called to
one most disreputable-looking person, "Look it here,
Sam, I'm out, that's a fact! " and to another, " Silas !
you derned old beat, I'll stand a drink," and so on,
shouting to one, whistling to another, all in vain, till
after a few more ineffectual attempts of this kind, he
turned on me with an air of savage satisfaction, as much
as to say, "I've got you, anyhow," and then said,
" Have you remarked how them cusses, all my intimate
friends, have passed by without noticing me?"

I said "Have they?" as though I had not noticed
their bebaviour.

"'Have they!'" he replied, as he took out his
revolver, and eyed it. " ' Have they !' " he continued.
" What do you mean by ' Have they ?' Of course they
have!"

I was framing a reply suitable to the occasion when,
replacing his revolver, he said, " That's so ; but never
mind, I like you, and we '11 have a drink." With
these words, he proceeded to draw another bottle from
another pocket. I felt relieved, for a glance at it satisfied
me that it did not contain drink. It was of the size and
form of those green glass bottles in which capers or hot
pickles are usually enclosed. _ I could see, moreover,
that it contained some black objects.

As my friend gazed at it, he laughed in a low,
chuckling tone, and was about to replace it in his
pocket when, as though by a sudden inspiration, he
thrust the bottle into my hand, and said, " Keep 'em—
they're precious."

'r Certainly, if you wish it," I said, innocently. You
are very kind. But what are they ?—Pickles ? "

" Pickles ! " he exclaimed; and his eyebrow went up
and down as though worked mechanically. "Pickles be
derned ! No—snakes—vipers ! Ah! and deadly ones,
too. No man ever survived ten minutes after a bite