Punch (86.1884)

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

[March 8, 1884.

THE OLD AND THE NEW STAGER;

OR, COACHING THE COACHMAN.

Old Stager, loquitur :—

There, take the whip ! I’ve tooled for the last time
The old St. Stephen’s Coach. A many journeys
I’ve taken her when I was in my prime.

Those mounted knights who tilted in old tourneys
Had need of skill in handling horses ; yes,

But he who’d drive this team without a blunder,

Will want as much, and maybe more, I guess.

Will you succeed, I wonder ?

’Twould need less tact to drive a Roman chariot,

Or—say—conciliate Chamberlain and Marriott.

An awkward team ! Plenty of pace and fire,

But, to command and keep them well together,

The steadiest nerve and strongest wrist will tire.

The Sun-god held his flaming steeds in tether,

But they were all well matched, I make no doubt,

While these,—well, take a look at them ! They ’re trying !
Hear leader’s rather hot, though swift and stout;

Off-wheeler ’s given to shying,

Whilst that young bay you ’ll find a little randy,

With rather more of “devil” than comes handy.

Bless you, I’ve had some raspers, in my day,

Close shaves, and narrow squeaks. They ’re not improving.
Sometimes they ’re half inclined to run away,

Sometimes you’ll have your work to keep them moving.
That Irish horse would spoil the smartest team,

And tax the smartest driver ; jibs like winking,

Well, well, of my old seat I ’ll often dream. _

For you—well, mind, no shrinking !

Keep a tight rein, use that new break with pluck, lad ;
Don’t spare the whip when wanted—and, here’s luck, lad !

THE FRINGE OF GENTILITY.

Mr. Punch, who is very particular with regard to the costume of
his Parlour-maids, would not for a moment presume to interfere with
his Cook. As long as his dinner is well cooked and punctuality observed,
his Cook may wear a scarlet gown if she pleases, and her hair in ringlets.
Other people evidently do not take so liberal a view of such matters,
if we may judge from the following, which appeared in the Daily
Telegraph:—

\ LADY requires good PLAIN COOK, for small family. Good
f\. personal character necessary. Wages £18, all found but beer. No
fringe.—Apply this evening, five to nine.

It is possible to imagine followers being prohibited, but we fail to
understand, if the Cook derives sweet consolation from a fringe, why
she should not be permitted to indulge therein. Fancy, if this Lady
compels the Cook she engages to abolish her fringe, what revenge may
follow. There is no member of a household so capable of making every-
one of the family so miserable as the Cook, if she gives her mino. to it.
Alexis Soyer used to say that the Cook of a Cabinet Minister was a
far more important official than his master, and no doubt a cook,
ruthlessly deprived of her pet adornment would speedily avenge the
frinjurv in a series of the very worst dinners ever devised. It is
plain that the above-mentioned Advertiser considers a good plain
Cook cannot be too plain. _

“Caller Bac.’’—New hook descriptive of the Game of Baccarat,
by a Member of the Park Club.

ASSAULT ON AN
ALDERMAN.

The days of Table-turning
are well nigh past, but when
Swords begin to show signs of
animation, things look dan-
gerous. The Sword of Justice,
which is suspended behind
the bench of the Recorder
and Aldermen, at the Central
Criminal Court, the other day
fell upon the head of Mr.
Alderman be Keyser. It is-
to be hoped that this Sword
will conduct itself better for'
the future, and will not feel-
compelled to terrorise the Al-
dermen by weighty arguments
and cutting remarks. The
Mace in the House of Commons-
must have heard things enough
to make it tremble during the
last few years, but it has pre-
served a dignified composure,
and has never rattled about
the heads of the Irish Mem-
bers, or attempted to give Mr.
Bradlaugh an admonitory
tap. Justice is blind, but that
is no reason that it should
damage the head of an inoffen-
sive Alderman with its Sword.
Let us hope the Lord Mayor
will see to this at once.

Something' in a ITame,
after all !

The Theatre in Leicester
Square that was to have been
called the Pandora, subse-
quently the Phoenix, and after-
wards the Queen’s, is now to
he christened the Empire.
This title augurs well for its
success, if wre hear in mind a
proverb at one time popular
in Paris—“ L’Empire c'est la
pay ” !

A learned French writer,
equally trustworthy as theolo-
gian and geologian, has re-
cently advanced as a proof of
the partiality of the Deluge,
that the Negro race are with-
out any tradition of their ever
having been washed.

Pawnbrokers’ Holiday
Time.—Lent.

THE STAGE AND
SOCIETY.

The satisfactory position
that the Stage occupies with
regard to Society, in contrast
to its standing in that respect
years ago, has lately been a
matter of frequent comment.
Therefore we view with sur-
prise the following Advertise-
mentinthe Daily Telegraph:—•

Q TAGE —A LADY, of good

0 social position, REQUIRE L),
to join eminent Actor in grand
West-End Matinee. Leading
Artists. Exceptional opportunity.

It would appear from this
i that the Stage and Society are
hardly as much in accord as
we should have imagined.
The Advertisement is scarcely
clear, and tve are unable to
tell what part the ‘ ‘ Lady of
j good position” is to fill. Is
she to appear on the Stage,
or is she simply to be a pa-
troness of the entertainment ? ! }
If the former, we tremble. ;
We may shortly expect to see j
in the Era .—

TO the ARISTOCRACY.—

1 WANTED, a few Duchesses,
or Peeresses in their own Right,
to combine leading business with
general utility.

THE COURT OF A. PEEL,

A Shearer elected by General Consent, in fact, without “Y/ords.”

PUNCH’S FANCY PORTRAITS.—No. 175.