Punch (35.1858)

52 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [August 7, 1858.

give him a stone and a half and beat him," and after a fruitless struggle
revealed to the Reverend Confessor her ladyship s address in the
Alhany, whereupon Mb. Silvertongue not only returned Snapfle
his alms,—whicH bv the bye were partly composed ot two pewter sib-
lings —but took one of his cards, with a promise to forward it to a
Right Reverend Bishop, who wanted an easy Park hack.

A voluntary prisoner in her Chambers, the time hung heavily on
poor Lady Harriet's hands; she never laughed except at two o'clock
on Wednesdays, when Punch came out, and it was an affecting sight
to see the poor Lady smiling through her tears at the facetim of that
periodical. Policeman X. would come up occasionally, and respectfully
relate by-gone anecdotes of his gallant force, and while on one occasion
he was unguardedly describing an assault on a gambling house in
which St. Clair's 'name was brought up, Lady Harriet was so
overcome that even Policeman X.'s memoirs were obliged to he dis-
continued. One comfort was hers, she had, unknown to St. Clair,
paid all his debts, and so liberally was the deed done, that Mr. Moss
could not help remarking, that the Captain's Mamma or some other
greenhorn had wasted a deal of money, as ten shillings in the pound
would have satisfied him well.

One fine morning in July, Lady Harriet was smoking as usual at
her window in the Albany, and whiling away the time with the new
Novei of " The Dripping Duchess, or the Spoilt Fete, by Lady Mary
M'Intosh," when a faint knock was heard at the door. " Entrez"
she languidly exclaimed, adding mentally, " I suppose it is Crinoline
with the bitter beer." The visitor entered, but so engrossed was Lady
Harriet in her book, that he had time to look round him before he
was noticed. He was dressed in a long black frock-coat reaching to
his heels ; a black silk shirt without any buttons did duty for a waist-
coat ; round his neck was a starched band of muslin without any bow;
:is regards his upper and lower extremities, a fashionable hair-dresser
had produced a tirst-rate imitation of the tonsure on the crown of his
head, and Hoby had decorated his feet with a very sandal-like looking
pair of shoes with neat silver buckles.

We need hardly introduce the last arrival as the Rev. Slidell
Silvertongue.

" Dear Sister," he commenced, " the Church has come to offer you
comfort in your affliction."

" Gracious me! " exclaimed Lady Harriet, " I thought you were
the beer! how dare you break in on my privacy P " and jumping off
the sofa, she seized a horsewhip, and in another moment would have
laid it over Mr. Silvertongue's shoulders. "I beg vour pardon
Mr. Silvertongue," she said, suddenly stopping herself, "I forgot
your cloth ; it would have been a cowardly act to horsewhip you. Sit
down, Sir, pray, and explain the cause of your visit."

Silvertongue's courage rose as his danger decreased. In a long
discourse he explained that his great regard for Lady Harriet's
welfare had induced him to call; and feeling his ground gradually, he
wound up by exhorting her to confess.

" Don't see the joke of it," answered Lady Harriet, " you know
too much already, according to my opinion, or you would not have
ferreted me out here. I keep my own counsel, and do you keep
yours, Mr. Silvertongue ; for if my retreat is discovered through
you, my horsewhip and your shoulders shall be made acquainted—and
now, if you like to stay and have some luncheon, stay ; and if you don't
like to stay, why you can go, or Crinoline shall come up and'play pro-
priety, which, by the bye, you confessional gentlemen give the go-bye to."

" Two is company—three is none," thought the reverend gentleman.
" The stake is worth winning, £200,000 a-year, and as St. Clair is
off, she is sure to take the first man who offers, out of spite to him."
Without more ado, he threw himself on his knees at her feet. " My
dear Lady Harriet," he said, "your lovely face has haunted me
night and day in my cloister, and unworthy as I am, I offer my hand."

Lady Harriet rang the bell violently, and Policeman X entered.

" See this—this creature—turned out, Policeman X," she gasped,
and addressing herself to Silvertongue, she added, "I recommend
you, Sir, to carry out your imitation of the other church; and if you
are so fond of confession, take the vow of celibacy also."

" My dearest creature," exclaimed Silvertongue, "I swear—"

His speech was cut short by Policeman X, who seizing him by the
collar, recommended him, in a tone of friendly remonstrance, " to
move on." (To be Concluded in our next?)

LADIES' HOSE.

^^^^^ ^

trebly hazardous. The

fire insurance companies would as soon think of insuring a powder-mill. Under these
circumstances men must take care of their wives as they best can; not suffer them to sit
too near the fire lest " coffins " should leap out to some purpose in burning them to death ;
not allow them to carry about lights, unless enclosed in safety lamps, nor to use lucifer
matches; not trust them, indeed, with fire at all; as well for the reason that their dresses
are so combustible, as because poor creatures who are capable of wearing such Bedlam
apparel are not, fir, to be trusted.

No precaution, however, can be relied on to prevent the ignition of petticoats that are
always fluttering in the way of everything, including flame. Means, however, may be taken
to put the firf out, and the air-tubes afford peculiar facilities for this purpose. They can
at an7 time be converted into water-tubes by a very simple expedient. Nothing more
will be necessary than to connect them with a fire-engine and puncture them. Or tney may
be provided with little taps, to be turned in case of necessity. The tubes will thus be

converted into what we may call ladies' hose.
The engine being worked, the water will issue
through the apertures in large quantity, and that
between the body and the dress ; which will be
much better than merely playing upon the lady
on fire. No house in which there are any ladies,
except a few houses in which there are sensible
ladies, and no ball-rooms whatever, should be
without engines for. extinguishing the fires
which may at any moment break out in the
habiliments of fashionable females, and cause
the destruction not only of life, but also of
property to an awful amount.

NEW LION AT ST. PAUL'S.

It appears that a great addition has been
lately made to the attractions of St. Paul's Ca-
thedral. From a paragraph in the Daily News
we understand that the Crypt which contains all
that was mortal of the victor of Waterloo has
been opened to the public. " The sarcophagus,"
says our contemporary," containing the honoured
remains of Wellington, is announced for exhi-
bition upon certain days on payment of 6rf."
The Chamber of Sepulture at St. Paul's is thus
made to subserve the same purpose as the
Chamber of Horrors at Madame Tussaud's.
Whatever it is proper to do at all, it is advisable
to do well, and if St. Paul's has to pay its own
expenses, and can only do so by being made
a snow of, so be it. But then make the most of
it; go the whole hog; make it a regular show,
and in aid of the exhibition employ all the arts
of the showman. Let a Verger, or what would
be still better, a Canon, attend at the place of
descent to the Crypt with a trumpet, playing
solemn blasts on that instrument, accompanied
by the organ, and during the intervals of the
performance shouting: " Walk down, walk
down, ladies and gentlemen, and see the magni-
ficent sarcophagus wot incloses the remains of
the illustrious Duke o' ^ellinton." If there
is no impropriety in making a show of the Duke
of Wellington's tomb, there can be none in
having the show managed by a showman behav-
ing himself as such.