Punch (35.1858)

November 6, 1858 ] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 191

EFFECTS OF THE COMET.

E are not surprised at the
Comet's taking leave of us.
Never was a body more
" put upon" than he has
been. There really is no
saying what has not been
laid to him. Comets having
a bad name, and there being
old traditions of their "bale-
ful influence, " we have
charged this one with caus-
ing whatever has gone wrong
with us. All our scrapes
and peccadilloes have been
put to his account. Knowing he was somewhat eccentric in his
movements, we have viewed him as the author of all _ our eccen-
tricities. Were the Rejected Addresses to be re-written just now, to
the lines—

" Who fills the butchers' shops with large blue flies ?
Who maddens Pimlico with loud street-cries?
Who chokes Cheapside up so that none can pass ?
Who lets Scotch bankers change for gold their brass?"

the national response would be certainly—"The Comet!" The most
unlikely sequiturs are said to have been caused by him, and we have
viewed them in the light of malevolent effects. The ancients held
that persons were affected by a Comet, and we have turned this super-
stition to personal account. Whatever we have done in any way
amiss, our excuse for it has lately been " Oh, it's the Comet! " Like
the cat in the lodging-house, every mishap that has happened has
been tacked on to his tail. Has the master broken his word or the
servant smashed a tea-cup, the breakage has in each case been charged
to the poor Comet. Has the husband stayed out late, or Mary not
come in for prayers, the only words the wife has heard are " Please,
mum, it's the Comet! "

To prove, if that be asked of us, the truth of what we say, we will
mention a few cases where the Comet has had influence. If scientific
sceptics doubt their authenticity, by calling at our printer's they may
see the proofs:

Uuder the malevolent influence of the Comet, Wiscount Williams
dreamed one night that a Russian Count had swindled him by selling
him a title. The dream had such effect upon the fine mind of the
Wiscount, that he abstained from talking nonsense for nearly a whole
week.

The mother of the wife of a gentleman at Highgate'took advantage
of the Comet as excuse for taking up her quarters at his house:
which, being on high ground, she thought was very favourable for
making observations.

A strict Glasgow Sabbatarian, some few Sundays since, astonished
all his friends by somehow getting through the day without his getting
tipsy in it. This strange departure from his usual Sunday orbit
must clearly be regarded as occasioned by the Comet.

Mr. Larker, on his way to a " tea-fight" at his aunt's, dropped
into a friend's rooms to say the Comet could be seen; and such was
its malevolent efftct upon his memory, that he smoked eleven
pipes before he luckily remembered that his aunt was waiting tea
for him.

A "new" and really "original" piece, not taken from the French,
has lately been brought out at a theatre in London. It is believed,
that such a circumstance is not within the recollection of the very
oldest playgoer; and no doubt it is the Comet that we have to thank
for it.

Mr. Scampe, in his dismay at the idea of London being burnt up by
the Comet, took precaution to ensure his house for more than twice
its value; and, finding that the Comet failed to set alight to it, he
fired it himself, and swore the Comet did it.

The sourest of the writers for the Latterday Review was so affected
by the Comet that, one night when it was shining, he actually wrote
something speaking well of somebody.

Miss Tabitha McClaw'ley, a mediaeval spinster resident at
Br—ght—n, availed herself each evening of the advent of the Comet,
to impress on all male minds which happened to be near her, the
suggestive declaration, that she " doted on astronomy, and made a
point of walking out to watch the nightly course of our celestial
visitor."

Three old houses lately fell down in the City. They were propped
up, being dangerous, in the reign of George the Thirb, and for
upwards of six years not a rat has ventured in them. Nevertheless,
their falling down, although distinctly traceable to obvious neglect on
the part of the authorities, was by some people assigned to the
appearance of the Comet.

On the Eve of St. Sofilthius, the Rev. Mr. Backstairs, a Puseyite
confessor, was detected by a gentleman in " visitation," and was
allowed to make his exit from the house unkicked. For this miraculous

escape from what, at any other season, must have been his certain
fate, his reverence is clearly indebted to the Comet.

Herr Fuddelwitz the other day imbibed eleven quarts of beer,
while considering the " nebulous theory" of comets ; the result of
his day's labour being, that his ideas became decidedly more nebulous,
or hazy, on the matter than they were before the Herr began to
think of it.

Mr. Hugh McHookit, a banker on Scotch principles, having made
Great Britain much too hot to hold him, coolly mizzled to the
Continent, attributing the heat he left behind him to the Comet.

The wife of a respectable stockbroker in the City obtained a new
dress from her husband, in part payment of a fine which she recently
imposed on him for having stayed out until almost four o'clock, a.m.
in order (as he alleged) that he might "see the Comet rise."
_ One afternoon last month a passenger to Dover passed along Cheap-
side in less than half-an-hour, his cab not more than six times coming
to a " block." On the same day, too, a train upon the Eastern Counties
Railway arrived (within eleven minutes) punctual to its time. Both
which marvels clearly were occasioned by the Comet.

Much scientific speculation has been naturally afloat, as to whether or
no the Comet would affect the planet Punch. The result has shown that
Punch has not moved from his orbit of philanthropy and fun, and that
his powers of attraction have in no way been diminished. Like as the
star Arcturus shone the brighter through the Comet, so the planet
Punch has never been more brilliant than of late, and the sparkle of his
tales has never been more dazzling.

REFORM YOUR ARMY TAILORS' BILLS.

Of course every British officer, being well up in the classics, has in
his remembrance the familiar words of Juvenal, " Nil habet pavperta-f
durius in se qvam quod ridiculos homines facit." We take it quite for
granted too, that every British officer at once will coincide with us,
that what is said here of paupertas may be said with equal truth of
the ars militaris. There is no greater hardship in a military connection
than that it has a tendency to make a man ridiculous. As a proof of
this we take the following bit of evidence which was laid the other day
before the Army Clothing Commissioners :—

*' With regard to the tunics and shell-jackets generally, i find great difficulty in
fitting the men, from the fact of the same being too scantily cut in the front, which
prevents the men standing in an upright position with their clothing properly
buttoned up. (A laugh.) As regards the distinction drawn by Mr. Tait, of Lime-
rick (a contractor who was sent to Winchester to look at the clothing of my regiment,
on my complaint), in the measurement of the men, i am unable to understand it.
He produced a tunic for my inspection, which seemed to be very nicely made and
well cut, but there are none sucti as that produced by him in use in the battalion.
i called a man for him to measure, which he did, as he said, according to regulation.
The tunic the man wore being much too small for him, i opened the tunic, and
ordered the man to stand to ' attention ' (a laugh), and requested Mr. Tait then to
measure him for a tunic that would fit him in that position, which he did, finding,
of course, a most material difference. i wanted him to make the tunic to fit the
man, and not the man to the tunic. (Laughter.) The remark he then made was.
it was not according to regulation (a laugh), and seemed quite to ridicule the idea
of such a measurement being taken for the Army."

We quote this from the testimony of Colonel Arthur Horne, and
we trust the gallant Colonel will in no manner inter that the remarks
we made above were meant to be applied to him.

The facts which he deposed to are ridiculous enough; but he is not
the person on whom any ridicule is thrown by them. As lovers of out-
speaking, we beg to thank the gallant Colonel for the evidence he gave :
and as tax-payers we trust that something good may come of it. Seeing
that we annually contribute a small portion of it, we have a right to
say we hate to see the country's money wasted; and wasted it is
certainly on men like Mr. Tait, who "fit"our soldiers with such
clothing as they cannot wear, and say it is not " regulation" to have
them better suited.

CLUB TALK.

Shoulb Mr. Disraeli succeed in carrying his Reform Bill, there
is a talk of the Carlton and Reform Clubs amalgamating. It is quite
clear that one of the two clubs will be perfectly superfluous. It will
be quite easy to effect an union, since the two Pall Mall clubs already
elbow one another in the most friendly manner. _ A bridge, to be
thrown over the narrow street that divides them, is said to be the
happy medium thought of for bringing the two strongholds of Conser-
vatism and Liberalism closer together. Others suggest that there
should be an underground passage between their respective kitchens,
as it is well known that there is nothing like feeding for uniting large
bodies of men together. The name for the amalgamated couple is not
yet determined on. Some suggest the Coalition ; others say, hyphen
the present names, and let us have the Reform-Carlton, or, if yon like
it better, the Carlton-Reform. However, everything is at present
simmering in the cauldron of the future, and where is the bold prophet
who can take off the lid, and see what there is bubbling inside? In the
meantime, Whites' is in the blues.