Punch: Punch (54.1868)

20 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [January 11, 1868.

HORRIBLE IDEA

SUGGESTED 3Y THE TWISTED CHIGNON.

A MOST UNSEASONABLE IDEA.

Did you not shudder, my dear Mr. Punch, when you read Captain
Sherard Osborn’s letter in the Times, advocating a voyage of Arctic ]
discovery at this time of the year ? The thermometer is now down
below the freezing-point. I am sitting near a fire, but can hardly
write, my fingers are so benumbed. The cold in England is more than
intense enough. I am much too far North to think, without horror of
going any farther in that direction now. At present I should suppose
that, if anybody entertained an idea of an exploring expedition, he
would rather contemplate.researches in the interior of Africa. I should
very much prefer the Equator to the North Pole for myself.

If this were Midsummer now, instead of Christmas-time, and if it
were blazing hot instead, of bitterly cold, I could understand a man’s
wishing to be afloat in the Polar sea, if not ice-bound When ice is a
luxury, one feels a natural inclination to get into it. Now our feelings
prompt most of us to envy the inhabitants of the Torrid Zone. Cap-
tain Sherard Osborn must be a man of very ardent temperament to
be capable of conceiving the suggestion that makes me shiver. That j
is it. He is fired with the professional enthusiasm of a British Naval
Officer, who wants something to do. Perhaps that would suffice to
keep him warm at zero. He can be actuated by nothing else but mere
geographical curiosity. Sir, however, [ respect that. I am no Philis-
tine, although I confess myself ^ Sybarite

Warming-Fan Villa New Tear’s Eve.

A GOOD WORD EOR A GOOD WORK.

Mr. Grove, the zealous secretary of the Palestine explorers, com-
plains that funds are not forthcoming for their interesting work.
Specially lie murmurs that the Clergy are not liberal in subscribing,
to which the Clergy—at least, some of them—may possibly reply that,
while so many a poor Curate is wanting help in England, they can
hardly be expected to send money to Jerusalem. Still, the parsons
might subscribe a sermon to the fund. The exploration of the Holy
Laud is surely a fit theme for comment from the nulpit, and a collec-
tion for the fund might follow the discourse. Eurther small sub-
scriptions might be fittingly obtained, if every diner-out this Christmas
would but kindly give a guinea to the Palestine explorers after every
occasion of his swallowing a plateful of Palestine soup. All who do
so may be sure that, the fuud whicn they are helping will be wisely
and well spent. Mr. Grove has well explained the object and the
benefit of the work lie has in hand, and every oue who knows him will
certify, if need tie, that he assuredly is not one of the Grove of
Blarney.

BRITANNIA DOING PENANCE IN HER BALANCE

SHEET.

Satd Punch to Britannia, gloomily brooding
O’er her balance-sheet squared, for the twelvemonth just past,

“ Why that frown, dear Mamma, on your forehead intruding,

That sigh, up and down as sum-totals you cast ?

“ True, a few hundred thousand Excise may have dwindled,

Nor does Income-Tax show so plethoric a purse;

But still, for a year, when finance has so swindled,

And credit collapsed so, things might have been worse.

“ There’s the * Customs,’ you see, show a rise on the quarter,

And the ‘ Post Office,’ still, has a surplus in store;

‘ Miscellaneous Returns’ aren’t perceptibly shorter,

And ‘ Stamps’ might have really fallen off more.

“ Then cheer up, old Lady; Threadneedle Street owns
No cause for thus clouding your new-year felicity,”—

But the Old Lady will not cheer up, only groans,—

“ What are ‘ Customs’ and ‘ Stamps ’ to my lost elasticity!

“ Time was that my income kept swelling and swelling,

As if ’twas the law of its nature to swell,

Without docking taxes, or outward propelling
Of trade, still each year the same tale used to tell.

“Still I bought more and sold more, ate heartier, felt stronger,

And found every year more I’d spent and more made :

But that’s at an end—l’m elastic no longer ;

No, ‘go’ in my commerce, no tide in my trade.

“My business is on its beam-ends for the present,

And harm done that can’t, be so easy repaired,

For what with financing and making things pleasant.

My credit I’ve crippled, and capital scared.

“ Oh, had I but stuck to hard toil and fair trading,

Not taken to paper and kite-flying games,

For advances in cash looked to good bills of lading,

Not to ‘ pig-upon-bacon ’ * straw-men and their names !

“ Had I ticked rogues as rogues, branded swindlers as swindlers,
Nor at rascaldom winked, if for millions it threw,

My commerce and credit had not both been dwindlers,

My balance-sheet minus, my look-ahead blue.

“ For my turkey and chine I had still felt inclined,

Nor to the sad fact given shameful publicity,

That poor old Britannia is knocked out of wind,

Out of credit, and commerce, aud—worse—elasticity ! ”

* City slaDg for accommodation bills, in which A draws on himself under diiTen-
ent names, right hand on lefc, and vice versa.

GETTING ON BY DEGREES.

It appears that, annually, about thirty-six thousand Tramps pervade
England, and are good enough to patronise the Union Hotels esta-
blished by the rate-payers. But there be Tramps and Tramps. There
are lazy rascals who like a louuging life, and are content to eat dirty
bread ; that is, bread that is not earned. There are honest fellows who
are obliged to wander in search of work, aud who deserve to be holpen
on their way. Some of the counties—fifteen, we read in the Standard
—have devised a Test, and it seems to work reasonably well. Honest
Tramp, when leaving a Union, must take a ticket, appointing him his
next halt, which is a good way off, and when he gets there, he must do
a good bit of work. Then he receives relief on what is called the First
Class Scale, sufficing food, decent bed. Rascal Tramp, who neglects
these formalities, is relieved on the Second Class Scale, which can by
no means be called luxury. These are prosy details, but Mr. Punch is
so pleased to see any exemplification of Brains in relation to the treat-
ment, of the poor, that he gives himself leave to note the facts, adding
that, according to the reports, many of the Tramps who can’t take a
First Class, become Wranglers.

A Very 111 Bird.

M. Thiers, in his war-speech, protested against defensive war. He
said, “ A defensive war begins when one has been unfortunate. I add
that, it, is little in accordance with our national character.”

Which, then, must be Offensive.

The deduction is M Thiers’s, not, ours. We adore French persons.