Punch: Punch (54.1868)

128

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

[March 21, 1868.


AN OFFICER AND A GENTLEMAN ! ”

Volunteer Captain (bumptiously). “ Officer’s Ticket ! ”

Considerate Clerk. “ Gover’ment Tariff’s high on this Line, Sir. You’d
BETTER GO AS A GENTLEMAN ! CHEATER ! ”

[ The Captain is shocked, loses his presence of mind, and. lakes advantage
of the suggestion.

THE CASE OE THE ALABAMA,

Air—“ On Board of the Arethusa."

Come all who can face the plain truth told.

And object to be scolded, or to scold,

Both sides of the water, let’s cry “ Hold,

.Enough of the Alabama /”

Historicus’ columns let’s cut short,

Put Seward and Stanley out of court;

With logic and law

They have played “see-saw,”

Till of talk both John and Jonathan tire,

And would rather put. out than poke the fire,

Apropos of the Alabama !

Let the arbitrators settle the doubt
If by our laches she got out,

To chivy the Yankee clippers about—

This troublesome Alabama !

And over each “ how ” and “ what ” and “ why,”

The arbitrators are meant to try,

Leave quibble and quirk,

And get to work ;

With a brace of clear heads and an umpire fair.

And we ’ll soon have the facts all straight and square.
In the case of the Alabama !

Like circus-horses that paw and prance,

You may lead a diplomatic dance
For a life-time without a foot’s advance
Iu a case like the Alabama.

Still Seward found “ Con” to Lord John’s “Pro,”
But when Stanley took office, he cried “ Hullo 1
’Twixt Russell and me
The case stood—d’ye see—”

“ No, no,” says Lord Stanley, “ that can’t be.

My cases don’t stand, but keep moving,” says he,

“ And so must the Alabama ! ”

Then Jonathan lend John Bull a hand,

And your own long-winded Sec. command,

No longer on quirk and quibble to stand
In the case of the Alabama.

Though shelling out we own a bore.

We ’ll pay any debt you can prove, and more ;

And we won’t split straws
About “ why ” or “ because,”

But “as we’d be done by,” we’ll fry “to do,”
Though we suffer for letting our fingers through
This troublesome Alabama !

CHIKKIN HAZARD.

CONTINUATION OF CHAP. III.
********

The parachute descended safely, landing its cargo upon a Benician
Island.

An old Boatman and his daughter found the wanderer on the shore.
The Boatman’s name was Martin.

His daughter was known as Elizabeth.

CHAPTER IV.

*** Sixteen years:
In the pleasantest

afterwards.

room of the pleasantest house in one of the
Benician Islands, built in the Gothic style upon the crater of an appa-
rently extinct volcano, sat an elderly man and a young lady.

“ Mr. Piel DorntonJ will be here this evening, to sign the con-
tract,” observed Lieutenant MarchmontJ to his niece, Grace.

* Sixteen years. Six of the Authors wish to state that they were totally against
such an absurd interval. What's got to be done they would undertake to bring
about, in seven. So they’ve told the Directors ahd the Editor.

t The Directors repeat that they have the greatest possible confidence in the
Editor's good sense, but they did not think that he would have allowed such a name
as this to be given to the hero of the Novel.

Editor's Note to the above.—He is not the hero.

Authors’ Bote {by a majority). Yes, he is.

Note of Authors’ in a large minority. No, he is not.

Note.—The Editor trusts to the good sense, gentlemanly feeling, and kindly
forbearance of all concerned to prevent a rupture. From the MS. in his possession
he thought it was the hero.

t Marchmont is thought by all the Company a good name. But as there was
great disagreement upon the question of his rank, and whether he should be in the
Army or Navy, it was thought better to make him a Lieutenant, an office which
belongs to both services, and it was finally determined that the uniform should be
left to the discretion of the artist. Signed by Editor, Authors, and Directors.

Also, to avoid all description of Miss Grace, his niece, she also shall be an artistic

“ Will he ? ” replied Grace, her beautiful countenance suffused with
blushes.

“ Will he ? ” thundered the Lieutenant, who was an old irascible
Peninsular hero, and brooked neither questioning nor doubt.

In a second something flew from his hand, and whirring past his
niece’s ear, within an inch of her golden hair, was dashed into a thou-
sand fragments against the mantelpiece.

It was the tea-cup.*

Her eye darkened for a moment, where a splint from the crockery
had struck her, but she soon recovered her good humour, and playfully
taking up the classic uru, poured the contents upon her uncle’s head.

He smiled.

“ The sooner the better,” she returned, replying to his observation
about Mr. Biel Dornton.

“ Sooner or Later ” was the warrior’s innocent, but somewhat homely
repartee.

Grace felt the inuendo, though she said nothing at the moment; but
years after, this dwelt in her memory, and the poignant satire embittered
the otherwise happy hours of her young life.

Their house, better furnished than any other in the island, had been
carefully fitted up with dumb bells, so as not to disturb the Lieu-
tenant’s repose, who was something of an invalid.

She sounded, and an intelligent Boomerang entered the room.

“ Clear away,” she said, addressing him in his own language.

The Boomerang, a fine handsome fellow, regarded his young mistress
with an expression of unutterable melancholy, and commenced his
evening’s work, using his feet like hands, with a dexterity which only
early education could have given him.

creation, as the Authors and Editor feel sure they can trust implicitly to the good
faith, gentlemanly feeling, and good taste of the Artistic staff engaged, not to play
the fool.

* Foot Note.—A few of the Authors remember this incident in the farce of Box
and Cox. Being put to the vote it was allowed to remain by a majority of one. The
Editor does hope he may rely upon the good feeling, forbearance, &c. ac.