Punch: Punch (54.1868)

WHAT WE MAY EXPECT.

Firs* Swell {onfoot). “Not Sold him yet, then, Fvved?”

Second Swell (mounted),. “No, can’t get my Price; No, fact is, ’have three Fellows coming to Dinner on Thursday.
We ’he going to Eat him ! Will you come ?! ”

First Swell. “ Thanks—sorry I can’t. Engaged to Dine off a Family Pony of PlAggles’s ! ! ”

AN “OFFICIAL ENGLISH” DICTIONARY WANTED.

The art of calling a spade a spade seems sadly out of fashion with
our Poor-Law Inspectors. Instead of swallowing their squeamishness,
and speaking in plain English, and telling us plain truths, they use fine
official language to veil in some degree the horrors they discover, and
which it is their duty plainly to disclose. Their official English teems
with euphuistic epithets, which no unofficial dictionary can help us to
translate. For instance, who could guess that “insufficient” and
“inadequate” meant half what is ascribed to them by Mr. Ernest
Hart ?—

“ ‘ Inadequate ’ and 1 insufficient’ stood for the evils which had been exposed in
connection with the Bedminster Union, the scrubbing of-black gangrened hands in
mistake for dirt, the holding a patient's hand against a place hot enough to ignite a
match, and a number of other cruelties, only prevented from being inquired into
by the resignation of the master and principal officers, and to his (Mr. Hart's)
mind the Poor-Law Board too often connived at the quashing of an inquiry, which,
although it might cause a scandal, would show where the weak pomts were. But
if there were no official inquiries the accidental inquests brought to light the evils.
Quite lately inquests had been held on paupers ‘ done to death ’ in provincial work-
houses, and one showed how a child was killed by being placed in scalding water,
and then having the blisters rubbed off with a towel. These were some of the facts
which would help the Poor-Law Board to a translation of the words ‘ inadequate ’
and ‘insufficient ’ in their inspectors’ reports. ”

Or who, without the help of Mr. Hart’s translation, could have
imagined that fine phrases, like those he further mentions, veiled such
terribly foul facts ?—

“ Thus, ‘ want of classification ’ meant that people with bronchitis were put in
beds with people with the itch, as at Bury Union ; it meant the aggravation of tbs
sufferings of the sick, in short, by neglect of the most cruel and indescribable
character ; ‘ insufficient attendance ’ meant no labelling of bottles, neglect of giving
to the sick their proper diets or at the proper times, leaving the sick to their own
help or no help at all, the mixing of the convalescent sick who needed rest and
quiet with the noisy lunatic.”

As language was invented to conceal our real thoughts, so fine
official language has likewise been invented to hide the real facts. But

far better sicken people by telling them plain truths, than gloss over
evil doings which are sure to bear ill fruit. Clearly our Inspectors, if
they are to be of use to us, must learn to write in language which we
can understand. Otherwise, the Poor-Law Board must issue a new
phrase-book, in which “official English” will be put into plain
Hebrew, or something else approaching to our mother tongue.

• NONSENSE PROVERBS.

What’s in the pot mustn’t be told to the pan.

There’s a mouth for every muffin.

A clear soup and no flavour.

As drunk as a daisy.

All rind and no cheese.

Set a beggar on horseback, and he will cheat the livery-stable keeper.
There’s a B in every bonnet.

Twoand-six of one and half-a-crown of the other.

The Insurance Officer dreads a fire.

Eirst catch your heir, then hook him.

Every plum has its pudding.

Short pipes make long smokes.

It’s a long lane that has no blackberries.

Wind and weather come together.

A flower in the button-hole is worth two on the bash.

Round robin is a shy bird.

There’s a shiny lining to every hat.

The longest dinner will come to an end.

You must take the pips with the orange.

It’s a wise dentist that knows his own teeth.

No rose without a gardener.

Better to marry in May than not to marry at all.

Save sovereigns, spend guineas.

Too many followers spoil the cook. (N.B. This is nsi nonsense.)