Punch: Punch (54.1868)

248

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI

[June G, 1868.

i

HOW WE BREED OUR BURGLARS.

The other day a couple of mere boys were indicted for
a Burglary, and the following is a bit of the evidence ad-
duced :—

“They had. hitherto borne a good character, but lately they had
had their minds poisoned by the reading of infamous publications,
such as the ‘ Juvenile Highwayman,’ and other things of that stamp,
and he believed that they had been the cause of their present
position.”

We justly pride ourselves in England on our having a
Free l’ress; but the question may be asked if a Press
which lures to thievery be not more free than welcome ?
Due precautions have been taken to regulate the sale of
drugs which are noxiofls to the body, and surely some-
thing might be done to stop the sale of novels which are
hurtful to the mind.

To begin with, works such as the Boy Burglar, or the
Infantile Assassin, should not be suffered to go forth,
without having the word “Poison!” stamped upon the
cover; and it might further somewhat tend to the sup-
pression of the evil, if, after being branded, every such
book should be burnt.

FAREWELL TO PIPECLAY.

Drill Sergeant of the old school, go thy way,
Where alone thou should’st be a master now ;
Academy for youth, or even, say

Young Ladies’ Boarding-School—chassez-croisez—
Word of command to caper, or to bow,

The British soldier give as well might’st thou.
Breech-loading rifle management’s his need ;

The art at quickest rate his foes to slay.

The goose-step for the geese ! What a recruit
Should have is exercise in musket drill,

That he may learn to blaze away with speed ;

Instruction which in battle will bear fruit,

In wonders. Sergeant, cultivate that skill,

And teach the young Militia how to shoot.

A DESPERATE CASE!

First Driver. “ How’s pooh Bob ? ”

Second Driver. “Oh, he’s a good deal better—takes his Lotions more
Eeg’lar-”

First Driver {reassured). “Ah !”

Levitation by Law.

Whether or no Mr. Home, the Medium, was ever
lifted into the air by spirits, people may question, but
nobody can doubt, that,, at the suit of Mrs. Lyon, when
he was arrested he was taken up.




CHIKKIN HAZARD.

CHAPTER XXVI.

THE BROTHERS.

Struggling, battling manfully with the waves beating upon the
lower rocks beneath Old Martin’s cottage, came ashore, upon the
eventful evening which has occupied the last few chapters, the body of
a man, old before his time, grasping in his right hand a bottle and a
lump of sugar.

He lay for some seconds extended upon the beach, until another
wave more furious than that which had stranded him, turned him and
tossed him over, like a giant at play with an empty butter-cask, and
giving him as it were a last kick, retired again into his ocean cave,
drawing in his breath with a chuckling roar over the broken state of
his old toy.

’Twas the sea’s last effort, a grand one, and then it began retreating,
like a cowardly giant as it was, to go and play with huge ships for
shuttlecocks and vast rocks for marbles on the other side of the world.

The form on the beach moved, stretched, and finally sat upright: a
bottle in one hand, a lump of sugar in the other.

“ Confound them for a couple of idiots ! Commit me to the sea when
they hadn’t given themselves or me, for the matter of that, time to know
whether I was dead or not ! ” muttered the figure in a grumbling tone.
Then he poured three drops of “ stuff,” as it was labelled, upon a
lump of sugar, and placing the latter in his mouth, soon appeared
much invigorated.

“ A murrain on the jade!” he exclaimed, trying to rise, “ an she
hath not given me cramps and agues, and a tertian, it may hap
enough to last me till next Martinmas, may I never crush cup or
demolish pasty more.” *

* Note. The Gentleman among the literary staff who wished the entire tale to he
called a Medieval Romance, and who, under this impression, became a shareholder



Rising with some difficulty, the Lieutenant, for, as our readers have
probably already divined, it was indeed he, commenced the ascent ol
the crag overhead.

“ Come Martinmas ! ” he said to himself, “ odd that the name of
Martin should occur to me now. My poor brother ! But fora quarrel
about some wretched property and a title (may all ill light upon such
causes of disagreement!) we should have been living together now,
and he would perhaps have been an Admiral.”

The past seemed like a dream to him : Nutt, Grace, the Rargof-
flins, the fatal sugar, the Castor oil, all had passed away like the
fashions of a kaleidoscope. It was evident to him that while in a trance
they had, as we, being truthful historians, have stated in another
place, committed him early on the fifth morning of their floating-house
voyage to an ocean grave, which is as much as to say they pitched him
over. And we added, “interred him decently; ” that is, as it were,
turned him out well, as became a faithful niece and attached servant.
So as he strode up the crag the thought recurred to him, and he
questioned in his heart the treatment he had received at their hands.

“ Pitched over! Turned out 1 ” he went on, harping upon these
grievances until the balmy air of morn, stealing from the far west, crept
in among his grey hairs and whispered peace.

A harmony as from another world seemed round about his head.

He clasped his hands, and with a smiling self-devotion looked up-
wards as he murmured softly, so softly, to himself,

“ A singing ! in my ears 1 Ah ! happy childhood ! ”

Then in reverent spirit he doffed that weather-beaten hat, and moved
in a gay and stately manner, reminding the looker-on of the expressive
joyous occasion of an old Castilian, whose blue blood would have been
stirred by the sight of some wild deeds of chivalry, or some Moorish
dogs biting the dust before the sainted banner ot Compostello.

A looker-on did see him.

to a large extent in the Novel Company, has expressed himself sufficiently satisfied
by this speech being put into the Lieutenaut's mouth as a protest against more
[ modem Knglisn and oidinary phrases.—Ed.