Punch: Punch (69.1875)

October 30, 1875.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

179

WEAK MOMENTS.

'hen I yielded to the per-
sistent solicitations of
Mrs. Gillielower, and
migrated with the whole
of my family (ten souls in
all), for six weeks, from
a comfortable home at
Upper Norwood, to un-
comfortable lodgings at
Stragglesea; where we
had indifferent cooking,
defective sanitary
arrangements, a high
average of easterly winds,
several inches of rainfall,
a carriage accident, a doc-
tor's bill, and an unex-
pected and unwelcome
affaire de cceur, in which
the rapidly advancing
tide, a Newfoundland
dog, a Lieutenant of
Militia, and my second
daughter, Mona Frances
Caroline, all played a
conspicuous part.
OA When I allowed my

eldest daughter, Leila
Katharine, to contract
an engagement with Mr. Bolingbroke Jaxon, a young engineer,
who hopes, through his cousin, who is a connection of the wife of one
of the Directors, to get an appointment under a Company now in
formation for the purpose of supplying the Fiji Islands with tram-
ways. Seeing that Bolingbroke has been a regular visitor at Upper
Norwood twice a week, and always on Sundays, for the last three
years, and that his views on politics, Church questions, education,
the drama, and smoking, are directly opposed to mine, and that he
is subject to violent sneezing fits, and invariably only just catches
the last train at night, it will surprise no one—certainly no father—
to be told that the Polynesian project has my best wishes for its
successful accomplishment.

When I gave my sanction to our two youngest boys, William and
Roeus, keeping poultry in the back premises, on the understanding
that they should bear the entire expenses of the establishment, and
furnish the family breakfast table with a constant supply of fresh
laid eggs at a very liberal rate of remuneration. William and
Rebus have altogether failed to fulfil their engagements, and I have
been summoned to appear at the Police Court, to answer a complaint
from the neighbours that our 4' Bright Chanticleers proclaim the
dawn" with distracting loudness and unnecessary frequency.

When I was cajoled into a little dance with refreshments, which
was artfully expanded into a regular ball and supper, to the serious
depletion of my pocket, the detriment of the furniture, the complete
upset of all domestic comfort both before and after the rout, and the
chagrin of my wife and daughters at the inability of the Harbo-
rough Bakers, "owing to a prior engagement," to accept Mr. and
Mrs. Gllliflower's kind invitation for the 27th.

When I was persuaded, contrary to my own wish to send him to
Germany, to give my eldest boy, Alured Christobher, all the
great educational and social advantages of that ancient and aristo-
cratic seminary of sound and useless learning, Mossington, founded
by Steehen Carrawat, citizen and grocer, in 1565, where he was
diligently instructed in Xenobhon's Anabasis and Ovid's Metamor-
phoses, as the best possible training for his future career as a clerk,
and probable partner, in the old-established house of Glllielower,
Dewsberry & Co., Ship Chandlers and General Provision Merchants.

When, at the instance of my old, and, as I thought, knowing
friend, Rentmore, I bought Herzegovinian Eight per Cent. Bonds
at 164, which to-day are down to 45f ; and invested, on the recom-
mendation of the same sage counsellor, a good deal of capital in the
shares of the Window and Housetop Gardening Company, which
undertaking was, in less than three months' time, wound up in
Vice-Chancellor Baggewigg's Court.

When I wrote to the leading journal to unfold my plan for facili-
tating the recognition of the various trains on the Underground
Railway by hurried, timid, and short-sighted passengers, and was
so unfortunate as to have my communication inserted—being thereby
beguiled to go on writing letters on all kinds of subjects, ranging
from brilliant meteors in the heavens to enormous potatoes in the
earth, none of which ever found a corner in the columns of the
paper in question.

Wlien 1 deeply offended my Aunt Martha—one of the old school,
who had all the washing done at home, insisted on her maids wearing

large frilled caps, and would not allow them to speak even to
the .Postman, if she could prevent it—by needlessly constituting
myself the champion of the servants as against their mistresses, so
that she made a new will within the week, and left the bulk of her
property (sworn under £80,000) to the Home for Blighted Hearts at
Nozzlebrooke.

When I began by throwing out that bay-window to the dining-
room, and then went on to add the conservatory to the drawing-
room, and took another step in building the billiard-room, and
greatly improved the sleeping accommodation by the addition of
two or three bed-rooms, and finally rebuilt the kitchens, out-
premises, and stables; so that for five years, on and off, I was
always moving in a circle of masons, carpenters, plasterers, painters,
and other costly artificers.

GLIMPSES OE THE EUTUEE.

Mr. Punch's prophetic inspiration is a matter of world-wide
notoriety, and when in the peculiar mesmeric condition into which he
occasionally lapses after dinner he is more than usually clairvoyant.

"Rapt into future times" the other evening, Mr. Punch dis-
tinctly saw a copy of a morning paper (second edition) dated
November 1st, 1885, in which were the following interesting items
of intelligence:—

LATEST TELEGRAMS.

Pit/mouth, 4 a.m.
Last night, Her Majesty's Ironclad Ships, Diver, Plunderer, Lob-
sides, Crusher, Submarine, Downshire, Founderer, and Mudlark,
forming the Channel Fleet, and which had in the morning been got
off the sandbank on which they grounded the day before, ran into
one another, and all went down in deep water. Officers and crews
all saved by taking to the boats a quarter of an hour before the
collisions.

7 a.m._

Nothing is visible of the sunken vessels. An Admiralty official
with a numerous staff has already left for the purpose of making a
minute inspection of the waves beneath which the submerged vessels
are supposed to be.

9 a.m.

The cause of the untoward event is supposed to have been the
extreme clearness of the night, the brilliancy of the moon having a
decided effect upon the commanding officers. The fleet of boats had
quite a picturesque effect coming into harbour, the men receiving
an ovation. It has already been decided that the Admiralty tug
Washtub shall cruise in the Channel for the protection of the coast
until the fleet can be replaced. She will have her funnel repainted,
and be re-christened " The Tug of War." A telegram has been
received from the Oueen, expressing a hope that none of the officers
or men have taken cold.

9-30 a.m.

Immediate orders will be issued for the construction of eight new
Ironclads—two on the circular principle, two on the three-cornered,
two on the telescopic, and two on the upside-down principle. A
diver has just been down, and brought up a capstan-bar and a
cocked-hat, as well as his breakfast. Nothing further can be done
till the Spring. --

Constantlnoble.—A decree has been made that in future all in-
terest on Turkish loans shall be paid half in Turkey Sponge and
half in Turkey Rhubarb.

_ Norwich.—The Election Inquiry Commissioners resumed their
sitting this morning. After hearing the evidence of the oldest in-
habitant, who is stone-deaf, and the potboy of the " Goat in Boots,"
who is an idiot, and whose answers gave considerable amusement to
the Court, the inquiry was again adjourned.

A new Magazine will appear at Easter. Mr. Gladstone, the
late Member for Greenwich, has promised to contribute a series of
papers on " The Past, Present, and Future of the Hot-Crossed Bun:
its influence on the Established Church and the Digestion," &c.

_ The Little-Smashington Line was closed yesterday. It is a single
line, with several level crossings, and the Authorities have deemed
it prudent, considering the loss of the entire rolling stock (with the
exception of an engine and a trolly) during the Excursionist Season,
to close the Line until next Autumn.

The Detectives are still actively engaged in their search for
Alexander Collie. They are confident they possess a clue.

The 81-ton gun burst in Fleet Street yesterday, immediately in

front of No. 85, and——

******

It was a knock at the door, and Mr, Punch's trance was at an
end.