Punch: Punch (69.1875)

August 14, 1875.]

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

61

A

THE SEASON SUMMED UP.

By one of its Slaves.

season of rushing
and struggling
to squeeze
And scramble
through crowds
for the shake of
a hand,
Of nine o'clock din-
ners, and five
o'clock teas;

Of wanting a cab
when not one's
on the stand,
season of wishing
the Countess of
This
"Would ask one to
dinner and not
to a drum;

watching at
Prince's some
very fast Miss,

And feeling quite
sure that to
grief she will
come.

A season of coaxing and scheming to get

Invitations to anything out of the way;
Of swearing that never again you will bet,

And of trying to smile as your money you pay.

A season of polo and poker and balls,

Of wet garden-parties—passed, yawning, in-doors.
A season of making most wearisome calls,

And enduring returns from more wearisome bores.
A season of mirth and success to a few,—

To many a season of failure and pain.
A season of yearning to see something new,

A season of seeking for pleasure in vain.
0 Season of Slavery! why do we shrink

From breaking the fetters that bind us to thee ?—
Good gracious! it's time to be off to the Rink!

I promised the Dashes to meet them at three!

HOW THEY FIGHT IN FEANCE.
Letter L

Monsieur, _ St. Petersburg, January 1.

I have discovered that, twelve years ago, you were good
enough to accuse me of telling an infamous falsehood. I have taken
ten years to obtain a copy of the wretched print in which the libel
appeared. That miserable periodical you edited twelve years ago,
and, if it still exists, you edit it still. You must edit it still, I
repeat, because it is too barbarous to be edited by any one less mean,
less despicable, less dishonourable than yourself ! You hear me!
The never-to-be-sufficiently-hated journal is, or was, called Le
Gamin de Deux Mondes.

I courteously invite you to explain to me what is the meaning
you attach to tbe words "infamous" and "falsehood."

I may add, for your information, that recently I strolled into the
cemetery in which is situated the grave of your grandmother. I
(the writer of this letter—you understand) danced upon that grave !

Accept, Monsieur, my considerations tbe most distinguished.

Hectoe de Vin Ordinaire.

Letxee II.

Bureau of Le Gamin de Deux Mondes, March 1.

Monsieur,

You will see that I have hastened to reply to your base and
mercenary communication! You ask me for the meaning of the
words " infamous " and " falsehood." I am not surprised. You are
a man of no education. " Man" is a courtesy title I confer upon
you. However, search the Dictionary—the source of your literary
inspiration! If that work affords you insufficient information, you
will find a full explanation of the two words in the history of vour
own life!

I have nothing more to say to you, but I denounce to the World

your late father and your mother's uncle as poverty-stricken pick-
pockets and low-salaried spies!
Accept, Monsieur, my considerations the most distinguished.

Agamemnon de Pommes de Terre.

Letter III.

Monsieur, Leicester Square, May 1.

I hurry to answer your miserable and pretentious commu-
nication. As an explanation it is unsatisfactory ; as a contribution
to periodical literature it is beneath contempt! If you are not in
the hands of the Police for having committed petty larceny. I invite
you to meet me—to meet me to fight a duel to the death! You hear
what I say—to the death!

First, let me inform you, however/that you are a villain, a ruffian,
and a vagabond!

My friends, M. ee Comte de Foie de Veau, and M. ee Chevalier
de YiNGT-ciNa Centimes, will represent me.

Accept, Monsieur, my considerations the most distinguished.

Hector de Yin Ordinaire.

Letter IY.

Bureau of Le Gamin de Deux Mondes, July 1.

Monsieur,

You will see that your weak-minded challenge is accepted
at once. I rejoice that spoon-stealing is not punishable with death,
for the Law has thus saved you from the guillotine to fall a victim
to my vengeance!

It will be no news to you to hear that you are a bully, a card-
sharper, and a coward!

My friends, M. ee Yicomte Plffpaff-Pouf, and M. le General
Boum, will represent me.

Accept, Monsieur, my considerations the most distinguished.

Agamemnon de Pommes de Terre.

Letter Y.

Messieurs, Paris, September 1.

We have the honour to declare that we are acting on behalf
of our Principal, M. Hector de Yin Ordinaire. Our Principal
(claiming his rights as the insulted party) demands to choose
weapons, distance, and conditions. He proposes pistols as the
weapons ; for the distance, three paces; for the conditions, that the
pistols be loaded with powder, paper, and bullets.
We await with impatience the reply of your Principal.
Accept, Messieurs, our considerations the most distinguished.

Le Comte de Foie de Yeau.

Le Chevalier de Yingt-cinq Centimes.

Letter YI.

Messieurs, Paris, October 1. 2 p.m.

We have the honour to announce that we have hastily
submitted your proposal to our Principal. M. Agamemnon de
Pommes de Terre hurriedly accepts the weapons, the distance, and
a part of the conditions. He will meet your Principal, pistol in
hand, at three paces distance. However, although the pistols may
be loaded with powder and paper, they must not be loaded with
bullets. _ His honour (which is far dearer to him than life) demands
this sacrifice!

The incident must therefore be considered at an end, unless your
Principal accepts our Principal's proposition, which is as follows :

The weapons to be rapiers, the distance four feet, and the condi-
tions to be that the rapiers shall have blades at least three feet long.

We await your reply with anxiety.

Accept, Messieurs, our considerations the most distinguished.

Le Yicomte Pifepaff-Pouf.
Le General Boum.

Letter YII.

Messieurs, Paris, October 1. 3 p.m.

We have the honour to announce that we have tardily and
regretfully submitted the proposal of your Principal to our Principal.
After much and long consideration, our Principal finds that he can
only agree to rapiers and the distance. He objects to the conditions.
He feels that his courage—his reputation as a brave man, demand
that the rapiers, instead of having blades three feet long, should
have no blades at all!

Under these circumstances, the incident must be considered at
an end.

Accept, Messieurs, our considerations the most distinguished.

Le Comte de Foie de Yeau.

Le Chevalier de Yingt-cinq Centimes.

* * • * * *

And, strange to say, the* incident was at an end !

The Bakerian Lecture.—Justice Brett's Address.