Punch: Punch (75.1878)

July 13, 1878.]

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

9

Bizzy. Glad you like them. Here 's success ! {Drinks.)

Dizzy. Success is a fortress most surely taken by what you would
call " a siege of patience."

Bizzy. That depends upon the besieger, and his resources. A
coup-de-main sometimes succeeds.

Dizzy. When patience has prepared the way for it. It is true
that patience may sometimes with advantage keep a coup in reserve.

Bizzy. Like a card up the sleeve ?

Dizzy [blandly). The comparison is tant soit peu "malodorous."
{Drinks.) How sweetly the nightingales sing! These untaught
choristers of Nature-

Bizzy. "Would hardly make good Tories or tractable Turks, for I
understand they are very difficult to—ahem !—educate.

Both. Ha! Ha ! Ha ! {.Left laughing.

EFFICIENCY AND ECONOMY.

{Newest System.)

Ijt order to ensure the effective and honourable discharge of the
various trusts and duties attaching respectively to the several fol-
lowing responsible civil and military posts and appointments, it is
understood that, on and after the commencement of the approaching
Dog-days—

Queen's Messengers will not receive any regular salary for
their services, but be allowed to make what they can out of the
despatches they carry, at the different Continental capitals through
which they pass.

The custody of the Crown Jewels will be committed to an
experienced charwoman, who, though allowed occasionally to have
her friends to tea, will be expected to take the key of the Tower
with her whenever she absents herself for a holiday, a day's work,
or any other occasion.

The Collection of Pictures at the National Callery will be
handed over to the care of the Shoeblack outside, who is to be
authorised to get what per-eentage he can out of lending them, in
not less than a dozen at a time, to rising dealers, for the purposes of
exhibition and copy.

All the_ Lords Justices of Appeal will, in future, be selected
from Barristers of standing in embarrassment and insolvency, who
will undertake their duties gratis, but attend privately at home,
after hours, for the purpose of coming to amicable and satisfactory
arrangements with the Appellants in person.

The Commander-in-Chief will receive a shilling a day and
his rations and quarters, with the privilege of selecting one new
uniform every week, and of naming the firm of military tailors who
are to have the contract for supplying it.

The contents of Her Majesty's privy purse will be handed
over to a well-informed Bookmaker, who will live at Boulogne, and
place its entire contents on all "the regular good things " he knows,
as occasion offers.

And that the transcribing of important and secret State documents,
the publication of which might involve the gravest interests of the
Empire, will be entrusted to an irresponsible copying clerk employed
for the purpose at the rate of tenpence an hour.

ACROSS THE KEEP-IT-DARK CONTINENT;

OK, HOW I FOUND STANLEY.

{By the Author of " Coomupassie," and " Notamagdollar" " My .'

Phillaloo ! " #c.)

Part I.—Chapter I.

Preparations—The new Boat— Victualling—Necessities—Inventions
—Books — Almanacks — Moore — Missionary Intentions — The
Minstrel Buoy—Traders—Punctuality—Meeting of Creditors—
Off'!—Farewell, Old England !

Before leaving London I had ordered a boat to be made after my
own design, on a Noah's Ark pattern, with a sliding roof like that at
Canterbury Hall, through which, as the proprietor of that establish-
ment used to explain, the Moon (as an extra treat not included in the
bill) was exhibited to the unclothed eye. This vessel was constructed
according to my order, by Messrs. Newtubbs and Jenner (to whom
I jennerdllj go for anything special), of the Noah's Arkade, Pic-
cadilly. It was made into separate chambers, reminding the casual
observer of something between a Revolver and the French Senate.
The windows were formed to open and shut, and the whole vessel
was so constructed as to fold up on the gibus principle, or to take to
pieces at a moment's notice, and be stowed away in the smallest
possible pocket ship's compass. Nothing could be more perfect for
its particular purpose, and Mr. Hankey might get a hint from it for
his model lodging-houses, arranged for flats.

The order for \ictualling I sent to Messrs. Loois Loots & Co.

(the Unlimited Zoo-is Co.), who had furnished the excellent provi-
sions for my will. This firm also supplied me with whatever I
wanted in the shape of draughts. Coals were a necessity, as, though
on a visit to the Black Country, if the natives were inhospitable,
and unwilling to trade, we should be in a pretty considerable hole—
a pretty considerable coalhole ; and so the order for scuttling the
ship I entrusted to an eminent Sea Captain, whose name was on the
Black Books at Lloyds, and who had the still further recommenda-
tion of being well known to the Police.

In order to amuse and interest the natives, I laid in a large store
of Dominoes and Black Draughts.

Having in view the conversion of the various tribes, I took out a
second-hand edition of Mudie's Circulating Library Hymns, ar-
ranged by a noted Dry-Psalter. To secure their due and impressive
rendering, I secured the services of a Quire, in twenty-four white
sheets, which I called my "Surplice Population," and stowed 'em away
as best I could in the Arkadia,— which was the name of my new and

Sectional View of the " Arkadia."

*** Of course there is a good deal more here than meets the eye. For
instance, there is the other side, and all the water-tight compartments below.
The "House-boat" part can be lowered and folded up in rough weather.
Two more masts can be put up at a moment's notice. The entire construction
can be turned (when on land) into a show with the peepholes below for the
boys to look through—1, 2, 3, 4 are the peepholes. My Flag isn't black. That
was a mistake. On it was embroidered, " No more Coughs or Colds ! To the
Dark Continent!!"

a, the rudder, b, the man at the wheel, c (of course), the sea. The
remainder speaks for itself. (The drawing is from one I made myself for a
photographer, who couldn't come down to see it. Excuse roughness of design.
Years ago I used to send pictures regularly to the Eoyal Academy. lama
little out of practice now. However, f am in treaty with Professor Sol.
Hart, and next year I think we shall do one together. Orders for Proof
Engravings can be sent in now.) I forgot to add that the picturesque back-
ground (an admirable effect of perspective) is the distant country.

original vessel. In my spare moments I invented a Ptock Harmonicon
for the sea-shore; and for full orchestral service at sea, I devised a
floating musical-box, with three hundred tunes in separate barrels,
which, firmly attached to the Arkadia, would accompany us on our
voyage. This I called our " Minstrel Buoy." Most of the melodies
were Moore's (of St. James's Hall, Piccadilly, and Burgess Hill,
Sussex), who had previously instructed me in the banjo and bones,
and the dialect of the Black Countries I was to pass through. The
same excellent gentleman (to whom I here beg to tender my acknow-
ledgments) provided me with the back numbers of his celebrated
Almanack for many years past, which I subsecpiently found to be
of the greatest service to the Aborigines, who, being behindhand
in civilisation, had to make up for lost time. A century hence,
perhaps, the sixty or seventy tribes which now regulate their days,
months, and moons by their various Old Moore's Almanacks, will
hold a Congress, to find out, and settle exactly, what the time of Day
is. At present they are, as might be expected, rather in the dark.

Having thus made all my preparations, and stowed everything,
including a large quantity of jewellery, theatrical properties, lime-
light arrangements, &c, &c, on board the Arkadia, 1 fixed a day
for final settlement with all those tradesmen who had so generously
assisted me in the work. Having made an appointment with these
estimable persons, who were to assemble in their thousands at the
Office in Fleet Street, and having given them strict injunctions not
to leave till I came, it was with the deepest regret (which I found
expressed in my diary soon afterwards) that I learnt how, by some
strange mistake, they were received with contumely by the clerk in
charge, who, by an oversight (quite unpardonable in anyone except
a traveller so pre-occupied as myself), had not been informed of their
coming.

But Time and Tide—especially Tide—will not wait for anyone;
and finding that if I did not set sail that very afternoon—at the very
minute, in fact, when these excellent persons were expecting me in
Fleet Street—I should be unable to go at all, I wired, at the last
moment, these words: " Punctuality is the soul of business. Do
not wait after seven, if you have anything better to do."^ And, with
a ringing cheer from all on board, the Arkadia set sail from shore.