Punch: Punch (75.1878)

36

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

[July 27, 1878.

MISUNDERSTOOD.

Muscular High Church Curate. "Wonderful Things ' Grace ' does ! "
Low Church Vicar (surprised at tlie serious observation from his volatile Friend).
" Ah, my dear Sir, tree-•"

High Church Curate. "Yes. Only fancy, y'know !—Ninety-Two, and not
out ! ! "

REASONS FOR GOING ABROAD.

Paterfamilias.—Because, after all, you can get the
Times everywhere if you keep the heaten track. Be-
cause beefsteaks and roast beef are easily obtainable.
Because, with your own portable bath, you can be nearly
as comfortable as if you stayed at home. Because Mater -
familias insists upon it.

Materfamilias.—Because it improves the girls' French
and German. Because the Fitz-Smiths and the Mont-
gomery - Browns go. Because Paterfamilias wants
change. Because it's so pleasant to come home again.

The Son of the Family.—Because you can take your
own cigars, don't you know. Because you generally can
run up against some other fellows who hate foreigners
as much as you do. Because one must do it once a year,
and have done with it.

The Daughter of the Family.—Because you can get
all the last novels in the Tauchnitz editions. Because,
although getting up in the middle of the night to catch
an early train is a decided nuisance, one can sleep for
the rest of the day in a railway carriage.

A Tithe of the. Travelling Community.—Because they
like it.

All the Rest of the Tourist World.—Because it's the
thing to do !

Past and Present.

According to Captain Telfer, R.N., the Lazi are un-
mitigated thieves and ruffians. As their name would seem
to imply, they prefer theft to work. On behalf of the
Kussians, with reference to their annexation of Lazistan,
he observes in a letter to the Times that:

" The Russia of to-day is no more the Russia of the reign of
Isicholas and of his predecessors than is the England of 1878 the
England when Fauntleroy was hanged."

If so, no doubt Russia has in many respects improved.
The England of 1878 has numerous advantages over the
England when Fauntleroy was hanged. But it has,
perhaps, one disadvantage, namely, that now in com-
parison with then, it contains a much greater number of
unhanged rogues.

a doubtful prospect.

Br the Treaty of Berlin, England has undertaken^
serious responsibility in the East. Let us hope it will
not prove an Asia Minor evil.

BED AND BOABD IN GAOL.

Mr. William Sikes complains bitterly of certain "New Rules''
for the regulation of prison arrangements, by which, in his opinion,
they have not been improved. There was a time, he says, not long-
ago, when quod resembled a comfortable hospital, if not hotel; but
now it is severe, and no mistake, and no joke. Formerly a gaol was
a place for a bloke where his country found him sumptuous board
and lodging ; but now the lodging is a dreary cell; and as to board,
the only thing by that name is a bare plank which you have to sleep
upon in your clothes every night, for a whole month, the first after
your conviction. To sleep that is, if you can. He once heard talk
of a dungeon in the Tower of London, or some such place, called
Little Ease, so built that you could neither stand up nor lie down in
it; and next to that about the most inconvenient of sleeping apart-
ments he should think was that provided by the "New Rules." It
might be called " Little Snooze."

Mr. Sikes understands that the present Government is what you
call Conservative or Tory, and that Tories want to go back to the
good old times. So he should think. Were the "New Rules"
framed by Cross? Perhaps Cross would like to crucify you. A
wooden bed Mr. Sires considers an invention on the way back not
only to Little Ease, but to the Scavenger's Daughter, and the thumb-
screws, and the rack ; which were also, he has been told, amongst
our ancestors' venerable institutions. Didn't Judge Dowse, at the
Armagh Assizes, the other day, call it " nothing short of torture" ?
Didn't he therefore shorten his sentence on two prisoners for riot and
assault as much as he could, and give them only one month ? Mr.
Sieves fully expects to experience, perhaps, in his own person, the
revival of the stocks and the pillory, and he observes, with some
truth, that a criminal standing m the one or sitting in the other is
a caution to his kind, whereas he, lying in the dark, night after
night, tormented by want of rest, with nobody to see him suffering,

his torture, so far as example goes, is thrown away. It will not,
however, have been thrown away on Mr. Sikes, if he, knowing that
as anybody makes his bed so he must lie upon it, will refrain from
making his own in such a way as to subject himself to lying in a
prison uniform every night for a month on a plank. He should
point out the extremity of this hardship to his associates, and
whilst denouncing it in language as strong as he likes, remind
them that if they wish not to incur it, they have only not to commit
the offences which bring them to this very disagreeable bed.

But unless Mr. Sikes will be so good as to take that trouble, the
prison plank-bed, regarded as a device for the prevention of sleep
and destruction of rest, is not a contrivance on which its inventor
can be congratulated, except as an expert in the art of ingeniously
tormenting. It was doubtless introduced into penal discipline with-
out any previous consultation with medical and clerical authority as
to the effects it would be likely to produce on the mind and body,
healthy conditions of which are considered by both faculties needful
to reformation.

Still, there is one thing to be said, at any rate, for adding depri-
vation of sleep to imprisonment and oakum-picking. Unless "New
Rules" have also been prescribed for the treatment of the poor, the
plank-bed does make a difference between the Gaol and the Work-
house.

All the Difference.

" Miss Hannay, Mistress of a Girls' School at Manchester, has brought
an action against Mr. W. Birch, jun.; to recover damages for a letter in the
Manchester newspapers, charging Miss Hannay with having, contrary to
the regulations of the School Board, inflicted corporal punishment on children
attending the School."—Globe, July 17.

A Mistress free with Birch is free to make;
But Birch with Mistress freedoms must not take.

tfS" To Gobbespoitdbmts.—The Editor does not hold himself bound to acknowledge, return, or pay for Contributions.

stamped and directed envelope. Copies should be kept.

In no case can these be returned unless accompanied by a