Punch: Punch (75.1878)

August 10, 1878.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVAEI. 57

cymbals, and drums, and the rest of our party with
dummy instruments, while the musical box was turned
ttn underneath the stage, out of sight. Before appearing
as Conductor, I 'had taken all the money myself at the

doors. Subsecruently I had to explain that M'yionyu's
extraordinary conduct was simply an ebullition < f
Genius, which could not be controlled in very hot
Aveather. The Gozlingi were quite satisfied; and the
next night, being my benefit, and a "bespeak" by
Queen Uganda, and Prince Ugtjse, was a real bumper.
The women gave their gold ear-rings for front seats,
beautiful pieces of workmanship, that had been in their
families for ears—I mean for years. Men gave seal-
rings, gold brooches, jewelled pins, gold-headed walking-
sticks, and anything else they could lay their hands on,
in order to be present on this the Last and Greatest
Night of the Present Season, when in addition to a
Concert (the musical-box, personally conducted by
myself) there was to be an Exhibition of Paintings (by
me), a _ Scene in the Circus by the Boy from Fleet Street,
the Printer's Devil, whom I announced as—■

PUEEILLO IL DIAYOLO

ins Marvellous Trick Act ox the

BABE-BACKED STEED.

Then a Special Entertainment, by M'yionyu, who (if
luite sober) was to give imitations, in character, of the
various celebrities of the House of Commons, including
the Member for Peterborough " with a Song," after
which a Yentriloquial Farce, interspersed with conjuring
tricks, entitled—

TOMMY AND HIS UNCLE;
Or, Vox and Box in the Dentist1's Cupboard !

Tliis was to be followed by a farewell speech from the
Benefifiaire, myself, then a dance by all the Characters,
and fireworks outside illustrating

THE TAKING OF FORT OWUNBARWUN

By the Gallant Welshers !!!

and

THE [GRAND STAND

OF

The British
on

EPSOM DOWNS!!!

If this wasn't an attraction, nothing could be. I forgot to mention one
interlude—a pose plastique—representing

The Benison of the Duke of Argyll,
with Scotch airs on an improvised bag-pipe (made out of hollowed sugar-canes
and a leather foot-ball), played, at first, with much taste and discrimination
by McSmugglns ; but unfortunately he became so excited by the blasts of his
national Highland air, that he shouted out something about " Aulcl Reekie"
and " his foot being on his native heath, and his name Macgregor" (which it
wasn't, being McSmuggins),_ and then took to dancing what he called a
McCancan, while blowing with all his might and main, until I contrived
to stick a knife into the foot-ball, and so to speak took the wind out of
his _ sails, when he calmed down, and became rational, but exhausted. The
entire show would have been a triumph if McSitcgglns could only have been
kept from the whiskey-bottle, or the whiskey-bottle from him, or the whiskey
from the bottle, and if M'yionyu had only known anything at all about the
people he professed to be imitating. Even the Gozlingi stood it for some time
calmly, but when M'yionyu announced the twentieth Member of Parliament
(Irish Home-Ruler this time), and spoke in precisely the same tone and made
the same speech (he has no sort of invention), and came up from under the
table in the same white wig and whiskers in which they had already seen
him clo Mr. Gladstone, Lord Bkaconsfield, Sir Stafford Northcote, Lord

/V\0S3 1

THE RESIDENCE of Q\&fji ^CANDA —

Salisbury, and thirteen other notabilities, even these mild people couldn't
control their righteous indignation, and threw spears at him, which they had
brought in contrary to my regulations written up, "All spears, knives, &c, to
be left with the Saloon-keeper (myself)," so that he was glad to get under
the table, and down through a trap, as quickly as possible. Luckily I had
ordered a man to be ready for him with this trap, or he wouldn't have got
off so easily. I appeased the infuriated people with the overture to the
Bronze Horse, and McSailggins (who was almost sober) made an omelette in
the hat, which they devoured with avidity—hat and all. All passed off
happily. Cox and Box at the Dentist's was good. We had to pretend that
M'yionyu had fainted, and carried him home to his compartment. The
Arkadia is a most useful boat.

The next day we were preparing to go when the Queen came^ to me, and
said that she had understood I was a Christian. I answered cautiously that I
tried my best, &c.

" If the White Colonel is a Christian, has he a wife ? " asked Queen Uganda,
looking down at her toe-rings bashfully. She was fifty, if a day, but a fine
woman, and, before our arrival, very well off.

" The AVhite Colonel is a Christian," I replied, " and never tells a lie when
he is at home. The White Colonel can only have one wife at a time."

"Uganda will be the White Colonel's one wife," she said, modestly enough,
but with a great show of determination.

"Uganda does the White Colonel proud," I returned, making my politest
bow, " but the White Colonel is afraid that the great and lovely Queen Uganda
is trifling with his'affections."

No she wasn't: not a bit of it. She had taken a fancy to me, and that idiot