Punch: Punch (75.1878)

August 24, 1878.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 81

HAPPY CYPRUS!

'he following letters
have been received
during the last ten
days at 85, Fleet-Street.
To save postage-stamps
Mr. Punch publishes them
with ;his minutes for an-
swer :—

7, Prospect Place, Peth-
nal Green, West.

My Dear Punch,

1 ou are a friend to
all good fellows, and I
am sure you will be a
friend to me. I feel that
I am a man after your
own heart. I am always
ready for a lark or a liquor
up. Just now I am hipped
—down on my back, don't
you know—and I want
you to set me up again.

Ever since I spent what
my father left me, and
determined not to be a
burden on my mother and
sisters, I have been trying
all sorts of things.

A friend bought me a
commission in the Army,
but I found soldiering an
awful bore. Besides it was expensive, and so I had to sell out
to settle with the more pressing of my duns. Then one of my
uncles put me into a Government Office. But I got sick of that
in a week. Fancy being tied to one room and one desk from
ten to four ! So I threw it up, and somebody did something for me
in the City. Need I say that J hate the City ? You will not be
surprised to hear that 1 soon came West again, and with the assist-
ance of a friend had a go-in at the wine trade. The wine trade is a
mistake from a commercial point of view. How can you make any-
thing when all your old pals keep dropping in, all day long, for
nips ? To make a long story short, I have had my passage paid to
Australia, and have come back by the next return boat but two.
I have been offered a share in a scientific farm, and once helped the
sub-editor of a weekly paper for nearly a fortnight. In fact I have
had all sorts of openings, but somehow or other all the openings
have closed again before I could make my way through them.

And now, my dear Punch, comes the pith of my letter. I know
you have any amount of interest. I want you to get me an easy
and lucrative post at Cyprus. You can if you like, so be a good
chap and do, and ever oblige, Yours cordially,

(Signed) A. Rollingstone.

Mr. P.'s Minute.—Bad shillings are not in demand in Cyprus.
The export trade in ne'er-do-weels may be safely left in the hands
of the native and neighbouring Greeks. Bequest refused.

246, Kensal Green Villas, North, North Kensington.

Sir,

Don't you think that the Antiquities of Cyprus should be
looked up, somehow or other ? I am rather hazy'about the character
of these Antiquities, and I don't quite see what is to be done with
them when found, beyond making a note of. But I shall be happy
to serve on a Commission or a Committee, or anything of that sort.
I don't quite know what the duties of the Commissioners would be,
except— i am tolerably clear on this point—to receive their salaries;
but still I feel something ought to be done. At least, don't you
think so ? Cyprus must be thoroughly gone into—prehistorically
as weU as historically, classically, medievally, and modernly, don't
you agree with me ? If so, do kindly say a word for

Yours sincerely,

{Signed) Peter Yague.

Mr. P.'s Minute.—Judging from some recent appointments, Mr.
Vague seems to be the very man for the post he suggests. If Cyprus
has no opening for his services, his name might be added to the list
of the Members of the City Charities Commission ; or, better still, he
might be put on one of the new Eastern Boundary Commissions.

Please address, Post Office, Pasinghall Street.

Mr. Punch, Sir,

Ought we not work together ? Cyprus, that'freshest, if mot
finest gem of the British diadem, is quite ready for operations of a
philanthropic character. We really must do something for our new

dependency. So to speak, the Cypriotes are waiting to be done.
Let us be up and doing at once. Enclosed you will find a few
prospectuses of a philanthropic description. I would call your
attention to the Cyprus Children's Bank, intended for the savings
and " little alls " of the Cypriote widows and orphans ; the Cyprus
Glove Company, for furnishing Cypriotes moving in society with
white and lavender-coloured kids; the Cyprus Wedding Cake,
Mince Pie, and Hot Cross Bun Association, for extending to our
swarthy fellow-subjects the blessings of English Civilisation; and
the Cyprus Anti-Prodigal and Good Samaritan Discount Corporation,
for lending wealthy Cypriotes (on really good security) small sums
of money, at the rate of, say, two hundred and twenty-five per cent.

The_ capital for working these excellent institutions will have to
be raised in England. Will you join me in these and kindred
plans ? We would halve the proceeds. As to the work, you might
represent the Companies in London, while I proceed to survey our
field of enterprise in Cyprus. Is it a bargain ?

(Signed) Yours, respectfully,

Jeremiah Didbeer.

Mr. Phi Jfinutc—Proposal declined. Perhaps if Mr. Diddler
refers to recent advertisements, he will find that some of his bene-
volent schemes have been anticipated by equally disinterested
philanthropists.

THE COVENT GARDEN OBSTRUCTIONISTS.

The Daily Telegraph lately gave us this information :—

"Covent Garden Market.—-In accordance with an order issued by the
Duke of Bedford a fortnight ago, all Sunday trading is henceforth to be
prohibited at this market."

If the Duke of Bedford can issue such an order—which sounds
uncommonly hard for those whose work only permits them the con-
venience of an early Sunday morning for their marketing—let him
go a step farther, not out of Covent Garden, but in it, and round it,
and round about it. Covent .Garden is an unsavoury obstruction,
the roadway round it is almost impassable, and the " Odour Covent
Garden " is worse than the " Odour Cologne " itself in its own native
place. Let his Grace of Bedford determine to deal with this Dis-grace
of London, and until we can have an entirely new Market (the great
Hebrew Race will go in for plenty of entries for such a Yew Market),
let him get a new broom and sweep it clean, as also the streets round
about, which are the Market's tributaries. Such a state of Stinko-
malee as Covent Garden now represents ought be an impossibility in
our Nineteenth Century London.

Order in the East.

It has been truly said that "one of the difficulties in Eastern
Roumelia wiU be to prevent the rival zealots from attacking one
another." The measures about to be taken for that purpose seem
the reverse of promising. The European Commission is to provide
a local militia and a police force of Christians and Mussulmans in
proportion to the number of the sects in the several districts. Let
us hope that militia will not fire on militia, nor policemen run in
policemen.

At High and Low Water.

"Alexandria, Aug. 15.—Mr. Kivers "Wilson will to-morrow present
to the Khedive a preliminary statement concerning the labours of the Com-
mittee of Inquiry into the Egyptian revenues. It refrains from entering into
any administrative details."

Egypt's financial prospects are spry :

If the Nile be low, still Rivers stands high.

More Power to Him.

Why is Mr. Forster like the Czar ?

Because he declines to be stopped by the Caucusses.

[See the late Correspondence between the Eight Hon. W. E. F. and Mr. A.
Illingworth—may be had for a penny, but is really a shilling worth.]

absolutely necessary.

Sir Eeskine Sir Erskine must get better. _ Neither the

House of Commons nor the Country can afford to lose him.

Howr to keep the Wolfe from the Door. — Make him a
G.C.M.G., and send him to organise Eastern Roumelia.

Bosnians and Turks.—Begs and Beggars.