DOI Heft:
September 28, 1878
DOI Seite / Zitierlink:https://doi.org/10.11588/diglit.17733#0140
136
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [September 28, 1878.
WILLOW!
(With Apologies to the Immortal Will.)
" We learn that the ' childlike and bland ' dealers of Foochow agreed among
themselves, some time ago, to make a further experiment by sending in dried
and prepared Willow leaves instead of the real article."—Daily Telegraph.
A"poor Soul sat
sighing o'er
her cup o'
freen tea,
'is aH dried
Willow,
Fudged up at
Foochow by that
Heathen Chinee,
Mere Willow,
Willow, Wil-
low ! "
The weak wash
before her was
tepid and thin,
Mere cat-lap pre-
pared by that
scoundrel Ah
Six
From Willow,
Willow, Wil-
low !
She scolded her
grocer, but what
said he then ?
(Sing, Willow,
Willow !)
' You won't get
good Gunpow-
der at one shil-
ling and ten.
But Willow,
Willow, Wil-
low ! "
Beshrew them who 'd rob a poor Soul of her tea ;
And give her, instead of her fragrant Bohea,
Mere Willow, Willow, Willow !
HOW TO MAKE A FORTUNE IN EIYE MINUTES.
(With Mr. Punch'''s compliments to those it may concern.)
Scene—A respectable-looking Office, filled with Serious Young Clerks.
In the distance is seen the Partners' Room, in which an Elderly
Member of the Firm is discovered leisurely reading the 3Ioney
Article of the " Times " through a pince-nez. Enter A. Weake
Bull, Esq., bent on a "flutter." He is ushered into the Partners'
Room by the most serious of the Serious Young Clerks.
Elderly Member of the Firm {looking up from his paper in a
leisurely manner). Yes, Sir?
Mr. Bidl. I have called because I think I would like to invest a
little money in United Hottentots.
Elderly Member of the Firm {softly). Yes, yes. It is not alto-
gether an investment we as a rule would recommend. The security
is entirely composed of the bones that have accumulated for several
centuries in the royal tomb. His present Majesty, too, has not alto-
gether behaved with candour. We are told, on very fair authority,
that he has surreptitiously hypothecated the remains of his ancestors
to other and secret trusts. On the whole, we would rather recommend
Consols—they are decidedly safer.
Mr. Bull. Thanks, yes. But, you see, United Hottentots are
evidently going up. Yesterday they were at 39|, and to-day they
are about 43. Now, if I bought in-
Elderly Member of the Firm {politely). Perhaps we had better
see what the Market has been recently before we decide upon any-
thing. {Touches bell, when enter the most serious of all the Serious
Young Clerks.) Mr. Gravestone, can you tell us, please, what
United Hottentots have been doing during the past few days ?
Mr. Gravestone. Certainly, Sir. On Monday they were at 53£;
on Tuesday at 18 ; on Wednesday they touched 45 ; yesterday they
were at 39J ; and to-day they are at 53.
Mr. Bull. I beg your pardon. You mean 43.
Mr. Gravestone. They were 43 when you came in, Sir, but they
have had a slight rise since you entered the office. For the last
forty-eight hours they have been comparatively steady—for them.
Elderly Member of the Finn. I am afraid they are a little high.
I think, perhaps, you had better wait.
Mr. Gravestone {putting his head into the room slowly). I may add,
Sir, that since I left, United Hottentots have gone down to 23| to §.
Mr. Bull {excitedly). Buy in, buy in at once! I will have five-
no, ten of them.
Mr. Gravestone {on the Elderly Member of the Firm bowing his
head). Yery well, Sir. [Exit.
Mr. Bull {nervously). I am sure to make over them, eh?
Elderly Member of the Firm. Well, they used certainly once to
pay their coupons.
Mr. Bull. Oh, but I shall sell out the moment they go up two.
Elderly Member of the Firm {with grave surprise). Dear me! I
had no idea that you intended to speculate in a time bargain. It is
not at all the sort of thing we like. In fact we do not undertake the
" carrying over " business.
Mr. Gravestone {putting in his head). We have bought Ten Thou-
sand Hottentots, Sir, at 46J. It was the best price we could obtain.
There had been a slight rise before we could get over to the house to
execute your order.
Mr. Bull {blankly). Ten Thousand!
Mr. Gravestone. You said ten, I think, Sir ? {Exit.
Mr. Bull. But if they go down one I stand to lose a hundred
pounds ?
Elderly Member of the Firm {leisurely doing a little sum on a piece
of blotting paper). Rather more, with our commission—we charge
Half-a-Crown for every £100 of Stock. Time bargains are very
dangerous things. We usually recommend our clients to leave them
alone. [Takes up the " Times" again and recommences its perusal.
Mr. Bull. Oh what will my wife say! Pray do send over to see if
they have gone up.
Elderly Member of the Firm {politely relinquishing his paper).
There is no necessity. We have a little instrument here which re-
cords all the business done on the Stock Exchange. You see it marks
the various prices on a piece of tape. {Points to an electric self-
acting printing machine under a glass case.) Would you like to see
the mechanism ?
Mr. Bull {eagerly). I would far sooner examine the tape !
Elderly Member of the Firm. Here you see. {Reading.) "12
o'clock. Moon Trams. 26^ to §." (Tramways are not bad invest-
ments.) "Esquimaux Prefs. 103 to 104." (It is their first loan—
they have borrowed at sixteen per cent.—new to the business—we
can recommend them.) " United Hottentots, 47."
Mr. Bull {excitedly). They have gone up !
Elderly Member of the Firm. So far. {Continues reading.) "12.2.
United Hottentots, 49."
Mr. Bull {more excitedly). Hur-
Elderly Member of the Finn {interrupting Mr. Bell's cheer). I
beg your pardon. "12.4. United Hottentots, 46J. 12.5. United
Hottentots, 45. 12.6. United Hottentots-"
Mr. Bull {interrupting). Stop ! stop! Why, I have lost £150 in
three minutes!
Elderly Member of the Firm '.{doing another sum on a piece of
blotting-paper). A trifle over, with our commission. Would you
like to lose a little more ?
Mr. Bull {very excitedly). No, no ! What shall I do—buy—sell—
or what ?
Elderly Member of the Firm {very leisurely). Well, if you wish to
conclude the transaction, you will-
Mr. Bull {impatiently). Yes, yes?
Elderly Member of the Firm [playing with his eye-glass), lou
will sell the stock you have already bought.
Mr. Bull {at his ivif s-end). Well, what shall I do ?
Elderly Member of the Firm {calmly). It is difficult to advise.
{Strokes his chin.) Of course, if they go up, you might clear a trifle,
and, if they went down, you might lose a trifle. We do not usually
recommend our clients to have very much to do with time bargains.
You see-
Mr. Bull {in despair). And, while you are talking, they are. going
down like wildfire.
Elderly Member of the Finn {mildly). Well, I dare say they are
fluctuating a little. If you like, I will look at the tape. Ah, here
they are again. "12:9. United Hottentots, 37|." .
Mr. Bull {jumping up from his chair). Oh dear, I shall be ruined !
{Rushing into the outer office.) Here, any one, go and sell nve
thousand United Hottentots at any price you can—but mind you get
rid of them ! {Returns to Partners' Room, panting.
Elderly Member of the Firm {looking at him vaguely, and then
recognising him). Ah, to be sure. I think, Sir, you said you wished
to buy some United Hottentots. It is not altogether an investment
we as a rule would recommend, but-
Mr. Gravestone {putting in his head). I have sold them, bir. lhey
fluctuated a great deal. They went down as low as 14f, but 1 caught
them on the hop, and got out neatly at 40.
Mr. Bull {wiping his forehead ivith his handkerchief). lhank you.
[Exit. | And I have lost-?
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [September 28, 1878.
WILLOW!
(With Apologies to the Immortal Will.)
" We learn that the ' childlike and bland ' dealers of Foochow agreed among
themselves, some time ago, to make a further experiment by sending in dried
and prepared Willow leaves instead of the real article."—Daily Telegraph.
A"poor Soul sat
sighing o'er
her cup o'
freen tea,
'is aH dried
Willow,
Fudged up at
Foochow by that
Heathen Chinee,
Mere Willow,
Willow, Wil-
low ! "
The weak wash
before her was
tepid and thin,
Mere cat-lap pre-
pared by that
scoundrel Ah
Six
From Willow,
Willow, Wil-
low !
She scolded her
grocer, but what
said he then ?
(Sing, Willow,
Willow !)
' You won't get
good Gunpow-
der at one shil-
ling and ten.
But Willow,
Willow, Wil-
low ! "
Beshrew them who 'd rob a poor Soul of her tea ;
And give her, instead of her fragrant Bohea,
Mere Willow, Willow, Willow !
HOW TO MAKE A FORTUNE IN EIYE MINUTES.
(With Mr. Punch'''s compliments to those it may concern.)
Scene—A respectable-looking Office, filled with Serious Young Clerks.
In the distance is seen the Partners' Room, in which an Elderly
Member of the Firm is discovered leisurely reading the 3Ioney
Article of the " Times " through a pince-nez. Enter A. Weake
Bull, Esq., bent on a "flutter." He is ushered into the Partners'
Room by the most serious of the Serious Young Clerks.
Elderly Member of the Firm {looking up from his paper in a
leisurely manner). Yes, Sir?
Mr. Bidl. I have called because I think I would like to invest a
little money in United Hottentots.
Elderly Member of the Firm {softly). Yes, yes. It is not alto-
gether an investment we as a rule would recommend. The security
is entirely composed of the bones that have accumulated for several
centuries in the royal tomb. His present Majesty, too, has not alto-
gether behaved with candour. We are told, on very fair authority,
that he has surreptitiously hypothecated the remains of his ancestors
to other and secret trusts. On the whole, we would rather recommend
Consols—they are decidedly safer.
Mr. Bull. Thanks, yes. But, you see, United Hottentots are
evidently going up. Yesterday they were at 39|, and to-day they
are about 43. Now, if I bought in-
Elderly Member of the Firm {politely). Perhaps we had better
see what the Market has been recently before we decide upon any-
thing. {Touches bell, when enter the most serious of all the Serious
Young Clerks.) Mr. Gravestone, can you tell us, please, what
United Hottentots have been doing during the past few days ?
Mr. Gravestone. Certainly, Sir. On Monday they were at 53£;
on Tuesday at 18 ; on Wednesday they touched 45 ; yesterday they
were at 39J ; and to-day they are at 53.
Mr. Bull. I beg your pardon. You mean 43.
Mr. Gravestone. They were 43 when you came in, Sir, but they
have had a slight rise since you entered the office. For the last
forty-eight hours they have been comparatively steady—for them.
Elderly Member of the Finn. I am afraid they are a little high.
I think, perhaps, you had better wait.
Mr. Gravestone {putting his head into the room slowly). I may add,
Sir, that since I left, United Hottentots have gone down to 23| to §.
Mr. Bull {excitedly). Buy in, buy in at once! I will have five-
no, ten of them.
Mr. Gravestone {on the Elderly Member of the Firm bowing his
head). Yery well, Sir. [Exit.
Mr. Bull {nervously). I am sure to make over them, eh?
Elderly Member of the Firm. Well, they used certainly once to
pay their coupons.
Mr. Bull. Oh, but I shall sell out the moment they go up two.
Elderly Member of the Firm {with grave surprise). Dear me! I
had no idea that you intended to speculate in a time bargain. It is
not at all the sort of thing we like. In fact we do not undertake the
" carrying over " business.
Mr. Gravestone {putting in his head). We have bought Ten Thou-
sand Hottentots, Sir, at 46J. It was the best price we could obtain.
There had been a slight rise before we could get over to the house to
execute your order.
Mr. Bull {blankly). Ten Thousand!
Mr. Gravestone. You said ten, I think, Sir ? {Exit.
Mr. Bull. But if they go down one I stand to lose a hundred
pounds ?
Elderly Member of the Firm {leisurely doing a little sum on a piece
of blotting paper). Rather more, with our commission—we charge
Half-a-Crown for every £100 of Stock. Time bargains are very
dangerous things. We usually recommend our clients to leave them
alone. [Takes up the " Times" again and recommences its perusal.
Mr. Bull. Oh what will my wife say! Pray do send over to see if
they have gone up.
Elderly Member of the Firm {politely relinquishing his paper).
There is no necessity. We have a little instrument here which re-
cords all the business done on the Stock Exchange. You see it marks
the various prices on a piece of tape. {Points to an electric self-
acting printing machine under a glass case.) Would you like to see
the mechanism ?
Mr. Bull {eagerly). I would far sooner examine the tape !
Elderly Member of the Firm. Here you see. {Reading.) "12
o'clock. Moon Trams. 26^ to §." (Tramways are not bad invest-
ments.) "Esquimaux Prefs. 103 to 104." (It is their first loan—
they have borrowed at sixteen per cent.—new to the business—we
can recommend them.) " United Hottentots, 47."
Mr. Bull {excitedly). They have gone up !
Elderly Member of the Firm. So far. {Continues reading.) "12.2.
United Hottentots, 49."
Mr. Bull {more excitedly). Hur-
Elderly Member of the Finn {interrupting Mr. Bell's cheer). I
beg your pardon. "12.4. United Hottentots, 46J. 12.5. United
Hottentots, 45. 12.6. United Hottentots-"
Mr. Bull {interrupting). Stop ! stop! Why, I have lost £150 in
three minutes!
Elderly Member of the Firm '.{doing another sum on a piece of
blotting-paper). A trifle over, with our commission. Would you
like to lose a little more ?
Mr. Bull {very excitedly). No, no ! What shall I do—buy—sell—
or what ?
Elderly Member of the Firm {very leisurely). Well, if you wish to
conclude the transaction, you will-
Mr. Bull {impatiently). Yes, yes?
Elderly Member of the Firm [playing with his eye-glass), lou
will sell the stock you have already bought.
Mr. Bull {at his ivif s-end). Well, what shall I do ?
Elderly Member of the Firm {calmly). It is difficult to advise.
{Strokes his chin.) Of course, if they go up, you might clear a trifle,
and, if they went down, you might lose a trifle. We do not usually
recommend our clients to have very much to do with time bargains.
You see-
Mr. Bull {in despair). And, while you are talking, they are. going
down like wildfire.
Elderly Member of the Finn {mildly). Well, I dare say they are
fluctuating a little. If you like, I will look at the tape. Ah, here
they are again. "12:9. United Hottentots, 37|." .
Mr. Bull {jumping up from his chair). Oh dear, I shall be ruined !
{Rushing into the outer office.) Here, any one, go and sell nve
thousand United Hottentots at any price you can—but mind you get
rid of them ! {Returns to Partners' Room, panting.
Elderly Member of the Firm {looking at him vaguely, and then
recognising him). Ah, to be sure. I think, Sir, you said you wished
to buy some United Hottentots. It is not altogether an investment
we as a rule would recommend, but-
Mr. Gravestone {putting in his head). I have sold them, bir. lhey
fluctuated a great deal. They went down as low as 14f, but 1 caught
them on the hop, and got out neatly at 40.
Mr. Bull {wiping his forehead ivith his handkerchief). lhank you.
[Exit. | And I have lost-?