Punch: Punch (75.1878)

144 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [September 28, 1878.

AN APPETITE FOR INFORMATION.

Arthur (ivho has been listening with breathless interest to one of Grandpapa'* Bible Stoj-ies).
"And were You in the Ark, Grandpa, along o' Noah and all the rest of 'em?"

Grandpapa {indignantly). "No, Sib, certainly not !"

Arthur. "Then how is it You wasn't Drowkded ? "

THE STEEL HORSE.

The Iron Horse a good one is, as the saying is, to go
Behind him whilst he flies full speed as ye travel to and fro.
Great wonders for mankind 'tis true that Iron Horse has done.
But you talk about the Iron Horse as though there were but one.

And yet there is another Horse, in kind of iron frame ;
For I bestride a steed of steel whose mettle 's full as game ;
My roadster: when I'm on his back, few things we go not by,
Whether on wheels, or legs, or both, my Bicycle and I.

The Steel Horse ne'er in stable or stall stands eating off his head ;

He neither craves for corn nor hay—nor asks he coal instead.

Nor doth he more to drink require than he demandeth feed.

No water he lacks; and I pay no tax on account of my cheap Steel Steed.

My Steel Horse can convey but one, when he takes me up and down ;

He turns no lovely rural wild to close and sultry town.

No ugly stuccoed settlements uprise upon his track;

He bears no travellers to the bourne wherefrom they ne'er come back.

Occasion he for gambling none gives Cads of low degree.
The Betting-men, the Sporting Gents, can't get at him or me.
No slinking knaves environ him, and dog his ins and outs;
No jockeys, ostlers, stable-boys, no tipsters, and no touts.

'Tis true that he on level ground alone can hold his pace,
And the Steel Horse would avail me nought to win a steeplechase,
Bear me 'cross country, after hounds, o'er hedge and ditch and gate;
Fling me, and make me leave my friends to mourn my sudden fate.

But 0, my SteebHorse.never jibs, my Steel
Horse never shies;

He ne'er takes fright and bolts with me—at
the worst can but capsize.

Through the 'pikes we roll exempt from
toll, as befits a Centaur free.

There is nought to pay on the Queen's high-
way for my Bicycle and me !

RULES IN RHYME.

{To the Editor.)

Sir,

In the letters that have appeared in
the Times relative to the Rules of Naviga-
tion, the poetical regulations of the Board
of Trade have been quoted. As for
example:—

" When on your starboard red appear,
It is your duty to keep clear—
To act as judgment says is proper,
To port, or starboard, back her, stop her."

The Poet is, of course, kept on the pre-
mises. Who is the Bard of Trade ? Is
there a Trade Laureate ? Is the place open
to competition? If so, "Here stands a
post" that I '11 go in for. But in what
direction ? Why not for Cab-drivers p or
for Police ? Why not all regulations in
verse, and the verse to music ? Here's a
specimen:—

When you want to reach the Bank,
Hail a Cabman from the rank.
If it is a shilling fare
Do not pay him till you 're there.
And, if you've got any sense,
Do not give him eighteenpence.

Here's another :—

Give a Cabman just his fare,
My ! how he will cuss and swear !
Give him half-a-crown too much,
And his hat, perhaps, he '11 touch,

liule for Cabmen, in another measure :—

No matter where you 're going, any day,
through Covent Garden is the shortest way.
" Wait for the Waggon" you can sing, sans doute,
You'll wait for lots of waggons on this route.

Rule for Impecunious Passenger:—

Order the Cabman whom you cannot pay
Without the Burlington Arcade to stay.
Say, " Wait for me in Piccadilly, friend !"
Then you '11 retire by the other end.

Pule for ordinary driving:—

To the right you want to go,
You must pull the right, you know ;
For you'd be of sense bereft,
If, for right, you pulled the left.
Or you must be very tight,
When you think the left is right-
Advice to " Crawlers " unoccupied :—

Crawl along until you see
Some one crossing cautiously.
Almost knock him down, then cry,
" Now then, stoopid, mind your eye ! "

As to Excuses, here's the rule :—

When you have a jibbing horse,
Say he's rather fresh, of course.
If he kicks like mad, you '11 say,
" Bless you, Sir, that's only play ! "
If each step's a dangerous trip.
Say, " He never makes a slip."

These are some few suggestions, which
may be taken up by your numerous Poetical
Correspondents, and applied all round. In
the meantime, please remember,

Your Poor Poet.

Question. — Is the Native Widow of a
deceased Nabob an India-vidua! ?

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