Punch (35.1858)

July 3, 1858.]

9

ADVICE IN HOT WEATHER.

llow nothing to worry
you. Refrain from
reading the Debates.
Keep as cool as pos-
sible. Enter into no
arguments with an
J ashman. Eat plenty
of salad. Pay a cab-
man his fare sooner
than dispute with him.
Order in no more
meat than you want
for the day's consump-
tion. If you have
occasion to consult
a Railway Guide
sooner than do it your-
self, pay some one to
do it for you. Avoid
going near a tallow-
chandler's shop. If
a blue-stocking, or a
blue-bottle, torment
you, sooner than enter
into a controversy
with her, or him, go
into another room.
Cold meat is better
than hot. Shun pub -
lic dinners. Walk on
the shady side of the
way. Be very careful
how you trust your-
self to a sun-stroke
or a five-act tragedy.

Be prodigal, even to your enemy, with the Wenham. Keep clear of concerts, classical
quartetts, matinees, soirees, reunions, thes dansantes or chant antes, private parties, " a few

friends," and all great mobs whatever. Allow no man, if you can help it, to tread upon your I ^ad, during this brain boiling and all-your-joints-
corns ; but better to bear with the pain you ha7e than put yourself to any violent exertion j n°t-roasting weather.

in resenting it. Should you be button-holed by a red-haired friend, you shouldn't look at I N.B. Elbow no bull; and don't cross the
him oftener than is polite, or absolutely necessary. Walk twice the distance rather than get j path, much less the temper, of any unamiable-
inside a red-hot oven of an omnibus; in the latter case, you will be infallibly baked alive. looking dog.

If any letters come with the printed super-
scription " On Her Majesty's Service," without
meaning any disrespect to Her Majesty, or
surlily refusing to do her a service, don't open
them, as they will only annoy you with the
remembrance of neglected duties, or work on
your tender feelings by some pathetic allusion to
unpaid taxes. Better not call on affectionate
cousins. Close your lips tight against London
milk and German metaphysics, as well as every-
thing that is sour or likely to sour you. Exer-
cise the same wise obstinacy with regard to
unripe fruit. It is as well to keep out of a
butcher's shop, and all pastrycooks', unless you
happen to have a partiality 'for flies. Give up
the idea of goiDg up to the top of St. Paul's
Cathedral until the weather is considerably
cooler. Avoid all theological hair-splitting
matters of metaphysical mysticism, Spurgeon-
isrns, parish squabbles, and Puseyite scandals,
until the cool of the evening. Wear old boots.
Don't attempt the Herculean task of putting on
your gloves, supposing your hands are labouring
under the usual influences of the weather. Count
ten, and look at an oyster (at least) twenty
times, before jou venture to swallow one.
Babies, that are addicted to crying, should be
kept at a distance, as their music, especially if
long continued, is rather apt to spoil the sweet-
ness of one's disposition. If you feel you are
getting peevish, open your waistcoat. Before
leaning back, see that there is not a " Stick-
'em-alive-oh" behind you, on which your head
may adhesively recline. Finally, flirting is dan-
gerous. Too much Verdi is relaxing. Tight
clothes are a nuisance. Agricultural speeches
have, at 92° in the shade, a tendency to madness.
And above all, be extremely cautious what
pastry you eat, and what light literature you

AT MACK'S T ATH1 TOYS experienced for poached eggs, inasmuch as some of the younger

^.JjIVIAOjv o XjIyxlj JUio. portion of the company would perhaps not have lost their natural and

The Lady Patronesses of Almack's are reverently invited to enter- seasonable appetite for breakfast,
tain a proposal, suggested by the following report of the proceedings Among their seniors of both sexes, there might, moreover, be not a
of that fashionable society over which they preside :— I few whose exhausted energies might demand the refreshment of

whiskey, brandy, gin, rum, or Hollands. That the proposed arrange-

" almack's.

" The second nf the above aristocratic balls took place on Thursday Evening, at
Willis's Rooms, and fully sustained the prestige which attached to the first
reunion.

" The Company numbered 600.

" The rooms were prettily decorated and the festivities of the evening were pro-
longed until four o'clock on Friday Morning."

" We won't go Home till Morning !" is a mild and tame resolution
compared with that determination to enjoy themselves which caused
the jolly companions of Almack's to prolong their festivities till 4 a.m.
Another chorus ought to be composed for the expression, on the part
of exclusive circles and superior classes, of the intent to stay up
beyond a late hour to an hour which is not very early. Would the
following answrer the purpose ?

We won't go home till day-time,
We won't go home till day-time,
We won't go home till day-time,
Till milkmaids do appear.

This refined variation of a vulgnr chorus might be sung by some of
the aristocratic revellers, whilst others danced on tables ; but the idea
of making that vocal and saltatory display is not what we meant to
suggest in the proposal above mentioned, to the Lady Patronesses of
Almack's. The notion which we do venture to recommend for their
consideration is this. To exclude those sunbeams, the intrusion of
which on festivities prolonged till four o'clock in the morning, must
be felt to be unpleasantly impertinent, would it not be as well to sink
Willis's Booms, or some other rooms in their stead, certain fathoms,
or at least yards, in the earth, and call them Willis's Cellars ? That
devilled kidneys and stewed cheeses should supply the place of cream
and water ices, and that stout, pale ale, and spirits should be substi-
tuted for lemonade, need not absolutely follow; though possibly
towards the break-up of the assembly, a desire might be partially

ment would, if carried out, render the elegant and exclusive roysterf rs
of Almack's seedy the next morning need scarcely be apprehended;
and it coidd hardly make them more seedy the same afternoon than
many young ladies at present look in Hyde Park, whose pallid, not to
say sallow cheeks and maudlin eyes, unmistakeably intimate that tbey
have been, as the common people coarsely say, " going it" till four
o'clock of a summer's morning.

Manifesto of East India Directors.

Wte, the undersigned old stagers,

Civilian fogies, Colonels, Majors,

Declare that, of our constitution,

The India Bill is Revolution;
(Signed) Colonel Curry, Colonel Tiffin,
Major Chattny, Major Griffin,
Major Rice, Sir Mully Gatawny,
Sir Andrew Soy, Sir Brandie Pawnie,
Sir Mango Mackenzie, Sir Archibald Savnie.

Shakspeare for the First Time at Fault.

Government ha3 wisely dropped the prosecution against the two
Booksellers. This is a happy refutation of the Shakspearian saying,
that " the course of Trtjelove never did run smooth."

The House moved by the Thames.—Should the state of the
River be the cause of the question of adjournment being put to a vote,
you will see that the " Noes " will have it.

Vol. 35.