Punch: Punch (75.1878)

238 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [November 23, 1878.

RANK INSUBORDINATION.

Colonel (ivho lias received Letter from Private Smith, addressing him " Dear Colonel"). " What do you mean ly addressing me in

this familiar manner, SlR ? "

Private Smith. "'Beg Pardon, Sir. I didn't write un myself—I got somebody else to. And I didn't mean it out o'

no Respect, Sir-"

Colonel. " What the Devil do you mean, Sir ? Sergeant-Major, get this Man a Fourth-Class Certificate immediately ! "

A PAGE PROM KELLY'S DIRECTORY.

If the Chief Baron's fashion of introducing personal politics
into legal procedure and Civic ceremonial be followed, it may lead to
strange results. On occasion of a Brewster Sessions, for instance,
how woidd it look, if the granting or refusing of a licence were
ushered in„by something like this from the Chairman of the Bench
of Magistrates ?—■

Mr. Bung, you are the holder of a beer and spirit licence for
a tavern knoAvn as the "Pig and Whistle." You came here to ask
that that licence may be renewed. Sir, it is my duty as Chairman
of this Bench of Magistrates, to impress upon you that a public-
housekeeper has many heavy responsibilities. Not only does he sell
beer and spirits across the bar, but, also across that bar, he has
frequent opportunities of influencing, if not of forming, by his con-
versation the opinions of his customers. It is most important, there-
fore, that he should have sound political views in the present very
critical position of European affairs. Mr. Bung, it is my proud, if
not pleasing, duty to inform you, that I regard the most solemn
assurances of the Emperor of Russia with the greatest possible dis-
trust. Far be it from me to say anything that may seem to detract
from the weight of a Sceptre, or impair the authority of a Throne
in this or any other country; but I am bound to point out to you,
and through you, to your customers, that the Czar is a Potentate,
who, were there any machine for weighing human, as there is for
weighing metallic sovereigns, would, I fear, have to be set aside as
not up to standard. In this respect he may be said to stand alone
among his elevated order. If I may resort to classical antiquity
for a parallel, I might quote, in application to him, the pointed, and
not unfamiliar, line of Horatius Flaccus :—

" Eara avis in terris, nigroque simillima cygno."

Nay more; not only is he, in my matured judgment, a black
swan, but a very black swan. He is even, I am of opinion, much

blacker than he is painted in the Daily Telegraph and the Pall
Mall Gazette.

Having said this much, I am sure, Mr. Bung, that you will
listen with interest to my opinion of the Treaty of Berlin. Some
may regret that it does not go further; but I am satisfied that it is
a very good Treaty, as far as it goes. Perhaps if it went farther
the world might fare worse. But, Mr. Bung, when I have made
this admission, it would be perfectly absurd to attempt to hide
from you my conviction, as regards the Turk, that it would have
been well for England to have put forth all her power in aid of
that interesting and intrepid people's destinies long before the
snow-strewn Balkans were surmounted, and the blood-stained
heights of Plevna stormed. Slightly altering the words of a great
popular song-maker—you will, I doubt not, remember the pro-
found saying of Fletcher of Saltoun, a Scotch worthy with
whose spoken and written wisdom you are doubtless familiar:
"Let me make the songs of a people, and let who will make their
laws"—

" We did not want to fight,
But had the necessity for the sacrifice arisen,
We had the ships, we had the men,
We had also the necessary pecuniary means! "

This being so. Mr. Bung, we can offer no sufficient apology for our
inaction. Having said this much on the painful topic commonly
known as the Eastern Question, I now come to our North-West
Indian frontier. You have doubtless heard that some of our ablest
Indian statesmen and soldiers have insisted that we have made a false
step in forcing the Ameer of Afghanistan into the arms of Russia.
They have staked their reputations upon this assertion. These
veteran statesmen and soldiers have filled many columns of the
morning papers with arguments in support of this conclusion. In
the most positive manner they have declared that our Government
is in the wrong. I will use only four words in reply, but those four