Punch: Punch (75.1878)

September 14, 1878.]

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

119

A NEW PANACEA.

Doctor. "My dear Sir, you are suffering from Nervous Exhaustion, tiie result of Over-
work—your only chance is perfect rest for six months, combined with the most faultless
diet, the purest air, and the most unexceptional hygienic conditions."

Patient. "And how am i to procure them ! "

Doctor. "I will tell you. As you leave my house, take one of my umbrellas with you.

There are several in the Hall. i will have you run in before you turn the corner of
the Street, and in a day or two you avill find yourself in the most ideal circumstances
for regaining your Health, Strength, and Spirits. When these are restored, 1 will see
that your character is duly cleared, and you avill be able to resume your invaluable
labours for the good of mankind ! "

'' EXCURSIONS ! ALARUMS !''

As soon as the Excursion Sea-
son begins, the " points " become
a fertile cause of railway acci-
dents. The points which we
allude to are principally these :—

A point of starting trains so
quickly on the heels—or wheels—
of one another, that the pointsmen
grow confused, and can scarce
tell which is which, and the
Signalmen get tired, and make
confusion worse confounded.

A point of neglecting to provide
continuous brakes, and thus con-
tinuously exposing the heads and
limbs of passengers to the risk of
breakage.

A point of penny-wise economy
in the manning of small Stations
AAdth a brace or so of boys, who,
though they labour manfully, are
utterly incompetent to do the
work required of them.

A point of cutting Cheap Fast
Trains in two, and sending off
one-half without sending off due
notice all along the line that the
other half is folloAving.

A point of shunting heavy
goods' waggons in the greatest
haste, and when there is the
greatest chance of some train
running into them.

A point of perilous pound-fool-
ishness in keeping Signalmen at
their posts, until worn-out, they
fall asleep, and mistake them for
their bed-posts.

A point of crowding twenty
people into a compartment, so
that they cannot make their exit
safely in the scanty time allowed
them at bye-stations.

A point of working Engine
Drivers so long at a stretch, that
they well nigh ere the end of it
are driAren from their senses.

Questionfor'Change.—"When
is a Joint Stock Company like a
watch? Always. Whenitis going
as well as when it is wound up.

LIFE IN HIM YET.

As there appears to exist considerable divergence of opinion as to
the simplest method of speedily and effectually " re-organising " his
rather_ impossible friend, the Turk, Mr. Punch, who has received
many interesting but conflicting suggestions on the subject, takes a
random handful, and pins them up before him. The general outlook
being promising, Mr. Punch subjoins a few as under, to wit:—

Let the Sultan—say, on and after the fifth of November next—
with a Aiew to the reduction of all superfluous expenditure,

(1) Never take part in any State ceremonial that inATohTes the

use of accessories other than a plain kitchen chair, two
broomsticks, a couple of boys, a few decorations in coloured
ribbon, and a newspaper cocked hat, and—on such occasions
as the Opening of Parliament or the marriage of some
member of the Royal house—perhaps a dark lantern, a
bundle of matches, and a pair of gilt pantomime spectacles;

(2) Have his Civil List cut down to eighty pounds per annum,
payable quarterly, accept Rosherville as a winter residence,
and appear on three five shilling Saturdays, during the
height of the season, at the Crystal Palace ;

(3) Make up any deficiency in his income, as thus secured, by

giving pmrate lessons in etiquette to intending British
Oriental Residents.
Let a spirited Joint Stock Company take over the whole of Con-
stantinople as it stands, and open it, not later than the 1st of May
next, as an International Aquarium, and EiATe o'clock Tea Gardens,
at which fully paid-up Fellows shall have the privilege—

(1) Of introducing two friends to the reserved seats;

(2) Of being eligible to any posts of emolument that happen to
fall A'acant in Eastern Roumelia ;

(3) Of ordering hot dinners on the premises before two p.m. ; and

(4) Of taking the rank and title of Turkish Pashas in England

and the Channel Islands.
Let reform commence in the whole of Asia Minor simultaneously,
by the immediate introduction into all towns, numbering a popula-
tion of 5,000 souls, of—

(1) A circulating library;

(2) A Policeman;

(3) A music-hall; and

(4) A public-house ; the number of the latter to be determined
by the wants of the locality, estimated by the reasonable
ratio of one to every 215 inhabitants.

Let capital flow freely to the East, and, hand in hand with enter-
prise, arrange a complete net-Avork of railways that shall bring the
Caspian as close as Cowes and render the Euphrates as popular for
water-parties as the Thames ; the whole scheme being helped on by
the opening of a cricket-ground at Bagdad, and the establishment of
a branch of the Ramsgate Marina at the head of the Persian Gulf ;

And lastly, let any financial deficiencies, shoidd such arise from a
vigorous prosecution of the above programme, be instantly made up
from the teeming gold, silver, copper, diamond, and other mines that
are only waiting the arrival of the requisite Government plant to be
worked at this moment triumphantly in Cyprus.

Mr. Punch can only add that if a careful perusal of the above does
not make the Turk and his friends happy and hopeful—nothing will.