Punch: Punch (75.1878)

124

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHABIVAB1.

[September 21, 1878.

And Swelldom is pretty to look at, and wears trousers that never
bag at the knees, and boots and shoes that do not turn up at the toes,
nor flatten under the sole of the foot; and the flowers in its button-
holes are poems, and its hats, neckties, and gloves are always new,
and always the very best of their kind.

Swelldom is friends with horses and dogs, and guns and fishing-
rods, which are easier to master than pictures and poems, and the
intellectual problems of the day, and do not wrinkle the brow, nor
waste the cheek, nor sap the youthful frame; and its easy flow of
talk is generally suited to the capacity of the greatest number,
and its golden silence does not proceed from unpleasantly lofty
speculation.

Nor is there anything at all abstract about that kind of worship
which male Swelldom of whatever age will always render (unless
didy checked) to lovely woman wherever it meets her; especially
when her sole and exclusive claim to its warm regard lies in the
exuberance of her purely physical charms ; as was the case with
Mrs. Jack Speatt, who had neither rank, wealth, accomplish-
ments, conversation, nor repartee, and couldn't even say Boh! to
her husband.

No, Gentle Reader, it was not Pallas Athene they worshipped in
Mrs. Speatt, these gorgeous, gilded, glittering Swells, nor Diana,
the chaste huntress of the silver bow, nor any one of the Nine Muses;
but Venus Aphrodite, the goddess of visible, tangible love, whose
apparent incarnation in Mrs. Speatt's beautiful face, smooth white
skin, and ripely-rounded form they openly adored, with an adora-
tion which Mr. Punch will describe as " concrete," in opposition to
that " abstract" kind of adoration indulged in by Petee Leonaedo

Pye, and which Mrs. Speatt thought so vague, uninteresting, and
slow.

And it speaks worlds for her guilelessness and purity that she
should have accepted this wholesale tribute of concrete masculine
incense as frankly as it was offered, and been honestly proud of the
same, and looked upon it as conferring social dignity on herself, and
honour and glory on her husband.

A more worldly and suspicious nature would have taken umbrage
at once, and run away with the unhappy idea that homage of this
kind, openly addressed to a wife and a mother, was but an insidt in
disguise, involving moral degradation instead of social dignity, and
instead of honour and glory, only ridicule and contempt.

So that it was an unmixed pride and joy to her, wherever she
went, to be surrounded by a crowd of smart male devotees, young
and old, in whose tender tones of voice, and eager eyes observant of
every detail of her face and form, she could hear and see unmis-
takeable evidence of a fervour as impassioned as it was direct and
sincere.

But this manly devotion to Mrs. Speatt was by no means a source
of unmixed pride and joy to the wives and daughters, who, to
mark their disapprobation, not only ridiculed that Lady, and every
peculiarity of her dress, gait, and manner, but actually imitated
these peculiarities in their own persons, wearing their hair, moving
and laughing exactly as Mrs. Speatt did; and all this whether
they were young or old, tall or short, dark or fair, lean or fat—and
so did the sisters, and the cousins, and the aunts.

Which gave boundless gratification to Mrs. Speatt, and tickled
Mr. Punch immensely.

iRISH TOURISTS' QUESTIONS.

A Committee of the Irish Licensed Victuallers has addressed in-
structions, based on legal opinion, to the trade, respecting the opera-
tion of that paternal enactment the Irish Sunday Closing Act.
Amongst these occurs the subjoined advice :—

"Nobody can be deemed a bond fide traveller who travels for the mere
purpose of getting liquor, simply because that would be an evading of the
law, and therefore not bond fide; but every one who travels three miles on
Sunday upon any lawful occasion, is a bond fide traveller, and may lawfully
be served with reasonable refreshment, whether of food or drink."

Query.—Firstly, how is 0'Boniface — not to say O'Bung— to
ascertain that anyone demanding refreshment as a bond fide tra-
veller has travelled for the mere purpose of getting liquor P The
postulant might say, or even swear, that he had not travelled for
that purpose at all at all, but for some other, and wanted whiskey
only to quench unpremeditated thirst; and these asseverations,
though made by an Irishman, might possibly be inexact.

Secondly, what is meant by "any lawful occasion" upon which it
is necessary a person should have travelled to be recognisable as a
bond fide traveller ? Suppose a man—or possibly even a woman—
takes a three miles walk for the purpose of exercise and the sake of
health, that surely would be a lawful occasion within the meaning
of the Irish Sunday Closing Act, and would constitute not only a
bond but an optima fide traveller. Or else, sure, the Irish Sunday
Closing Act is as unconstitutional as it is Irish, and very Irish
indeed. But, in fact, perhaps it is only Irish as construed by a
Committee of Irish publicans.

Down on Him.

" Giels have no sense of huniour! " Edwin cried, \
When Angelina smiled not at his chaffing. x

" You men are so ridiculous," she replied ;

" If we had much, we should be always laughing."

A LIMB OF THE LAW.

A piece of slang which, once thoright extremely sharp, would now
be voted equally slow, was the street-saying of the period, " You 're
a nice man, I don't think! " This expresses a style of man
exemplified, apparently, in the sender to the Law Times of the
notification following :—

LAW PARTNERSHIP. —A Graduate of Oxford, admitted a Solicitor
this year, capable of forming and managing a good litigious connection,
WISHES to meet with a Solicitor who has a respectable Conveyancing busi-
ness, with a view to a PARTNERSHIP.—Apply, &c.

A man capable not only of managing, but also of forming, a good
litigious connection—good, of course, in the limited sense of gainful—
one would imagine to be a most efficient aide-de-camp to the Com-
manding Officer of the Inns of Court Volunteers, and a proportionally
useful and pleasant member of Society.

FULL OF EMPTINESS.

A Newspapee contains a statement that on the Great Northern
Railway there is employed a " vacuum brake " liable to fail without
warning, and. requiring to be continually tested to see whether it is
in order. This is precisely the vacuum which Nature abhors. It
appears to be as often as not no vacuum at all in a pneumatic sense,
but a perfect one morally, being entirely void of utility, and, in that
respect, a contrivance so empty that there is nothing in it. Such a
vacuum is of about as much use as that which the Chimasra buzzed
in, devouring his second intentions. A brake like that had better
be called a break-down, as it would be likely to prove in time of
danger ; a brake unserviceable for stopping a train and preventing
collision and breakage. The stokers call it a " vaccum," which is
a good enough name for it to distinguish it from a vacuum properly
so called.

Unnecessary Indignation.

Me. Punch has received two or three letters from amiable but ex-
cited Correspondents, denouncing violently, on sentimental grounds,
the Cartoon which Mr. Punch published last week, and declaring it
to have given great offence. In certain quarters, perhaps, it has.
Parties deeply interested in the various Collision Companies are not
at all unlikely to be very greatly offended with a work of Art par-
ticularly calculated to admonish excursionists to take extremely
good care how they travel by land or water.

Injudicial Astrology.

It is an old saying that "misfortunes never come single," and
certainly terrible accidents, as well as enormous offences, appear to
occur in groups, and at times, like epidemics. Why ? Owrng,
Astrologers of course say, to the influence of malignant planets^ But
if that causes the accidents, why.don't they predict them ? Can it
be that the malefic influence is atmospheric, and that at certain
seasons there are criminality and carelessness in the air ?