Punch: Punch (75.1878)

September 21, 1878.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

125

CIRCULAR NOTES.

[By Our Representative in Toivn.)

0 Miss Ellen Terry
joins Mr. Irving at
the Lyceum. There
is a talk about Romeo
and Juliet being
played there. Miss
Ellen" Terry Juliet,
of course,—and. Ro-
meo, Mr. Irving ? If
so; Juliet may ask,
with a new emphasis,

" Eomeo, Borneo, where-
fore art thouJiomeo?''

"To-day," says
one of last week's
journals, "the Pro-
vincial Council of Flo-
rence approved the
credit for the main-
tenance of the schools
conducted by the
Scollopist Fathers."
The Scollopists! This
must be not a very
austere order—but a
very oyster order.
The worthy fathers,

of course, all wear beards and retire to rest'.in their'silent shells. As
to further particulars, apply at Maiden Lane for "The Rides."

Advice to mothers. If you want to make your child a first-rate
story-teller—say romancist—bring him up on " Lie-big's Food."

Mr. Holt has got "The Miserables" at the Duke's—Fictor
Nogo's Les Miserables, I mean—which he calls The Barricade. I
hear of it as a success. It should have been produced under Miss
Helen Barry's management, and called the Helen barry-cade.
Where is La Belle Helene now ? Gone to Paris ?

Oyster opening and theatre opening come in about the same time
when there is an "R" in the month. Happy Thought.—"The
Grotto " wouldn't be a bad name for a music hall or a theatre.
The Royal Grotto Theatre. No fees to the ouvreuses. "Please
remember the Grotto." _

Mr. Toole has been bursting out into literature. He has written
a gibberish Welsh poem, because, as he intimates, since he has been
playing Chawles in A Fool and His Money, he has got a Welsh
wig on the brain, and can't help it. Jeames de la Pluche, Esq.,
appreciated the Welsh as much as Chawles, as appears by this
extract from the Diary :—

"July 6.—Dined to-day at the London Tavin with one of the
Welsh bords of Direction I'm hon. The Cwrwmwrw and Plmwyd-
dlywm with tunnils through Snowding and Plinlimming.

"Great nashnality of course. Ap Shinkin in the Chair, Ap
Llwydd in the vice: Welsh mutton for dinner: Welsh iron knives
and forks: Welsh rabbit after dinner : and a Welsh harper, be
hanged to him: he went strummint on his hojous hinstrument, and
played a toon piguliarly disagreeble to me. It was ' Pore Mary
Harm.' "

The AVelsh Harper—"be hanged to him "—was probably an an-
cestor of " the Bard." _

Whence comes the term '' Welshers " ? From '' Welsh Sharpers " ?
Rather hard on the "Harp that once"—but not more than once,
thank you, and then "move on! " But that was another Harp that
once'd in Tara's Halls. Tara was probably the proprietor of
several Halls, and the Harper did so many turns all round, one
after the other. _

Why do heavily-laden, lumbering Waggons invariably take" the
narrowest streets for their route ? And why, knowing this, do Cab-
men persist in selecting those particular streets as their shortest cut
from one point to another ? Why, also, will they choose Covent
Garden, when you are in agony to catch a train ? There is always
a block in Covent Garden, and the place is about the nastiest to be
compelled to stop in, for five minutes or more, in all London.
When is His Grace of Bedford going to "reform it altogether " ?

"Beauty is only skin deep," murmured Mr. Erasmus Wilson,
as he surveyed the Needle by moonlight and thought of Cleopatra.
I present the two Egyptian Wilsons with the following lines, only

premising, that, for scansion, it is necessary to adopt the popular
City quantity of "three shorts" in pronouncing the Khedive's
name : les voild :—

Erasmus and Rivers are two able men,
Both been to Egypt, and both "bock agen."
The Needle Erasmus goes in for, and wins ;
"While Rivers the Khedive sets on his pins.

BETWEEN TWO EIEES.

(A Cheerful Little Asiatic Farce—in Active Rehearsal.)

Scene.— A retired spot in the ivilds of Afghanistan. Enter a Local
Ameer out of breath, hotly pursued by two European Envoys.

First Envoy (seizing [him by the collar). Ha! ha! It won't do,
you know. I have got you now, and don't mean to let you go.

[Shakes him, and secures a firmer grip.

Second Envoy (intervening and seizing him on the other side).
Come, don't be so rough with the old gentleman. Catching hold of
him like that! A pretty friend you are! Here, let him go, can't
you ? [They all three struggle violently for five minutes.

The Ameer (gasping). Allah is great! But oh, my sons, is there
not plenty of room for both of you beyond the rising and the setting
of the sun P Why do you trouble the poor harmless simple-minded
rahat-kikoum loving Ameer ?

Both the Envoys (together). Because we are so friendly !

[They let him go suddenly, and beckon off respectively right and

The Ameer (wiping his forehead with his pocket-handkerchief and
arranging his collar.) Allah be praised ! Allah be praised ! A little
repose. I shall go to sleep. [Sits down on the ground.

Both the Envoys (rushing at him simultaneously, followed by
members of their respective suites hearing presents). Never!

First Envoy. No, never—till you have accepted these tokens of
the condescending friendship of my august master the Great White
Czar. See : Genuine Caviare; some fully paid-up shares—in a
State line; the grand cross and collar of the exalted order of the
Purple Hyaena; and one dozen of dry Vouvray champagne.

[Empties them all on the ground in a heap before him.

Second Envoy (kicking them aside). Nonsense! Call these gifts!
Look at mine ! Here is something that speaks not of despotism, but
of progress. Behold ! Two tins of corned beef; back numbers of an
Encyclopcedia ; a public-house sign; and—a double bathing-machine.
(Pushes them all on to him). It is with such materials as these that
the mighty civilised empire I represent-

The Ameer (feebly). Yes, yes, I know! But why, 0 my vener-
able little grandfathers, force the poor old Ameer to accept such costly
gifts ? In Cabal the blessed, we neither speculate, nor drink, nor
wash! Let us alone! Let us alone!

Both tlw Envoys (together). Never! (They each seize one of his
arms). Thus do we display our friendship.

[AU three again scuffle violently for five minutes.

The Ameer (endeavouring to release himself). Ah, yes! true, very
true, 0 my importunate little grandfathers! But what if I decline
it. This, your friendship ?

First Envoy (breaking away from him with a bound.) Decline it,
you Moslem! Nigger! you can't!

Second Envoy (springing away from him toith a leap). Decline it ?
Misguided old savage ! You shan't '

The Ameer (again wiping his forehead, and arranging his collar.
Allah be praised ! I can breathe for a few moments in peace ! Fare-
well, 0 my amiable little grandfathers ! Farewell! and forget not
the poor, well-meaning, pacific old Ameer !

First Envoy. Farewell! Ha ! ha ! ha ! I tell you, within three
months-

[Exit, to order the concentration of a large force at Keliff and
Balkh, and to prepare for the sudden seizure of Herat and
Charkund.

Second Envoy. " Farewell!" indeed ! Ridiculous! You haven't
seen the last of me !

[Exit to arrange for the immediate occupation of Jellalabad and
Candahar, and the subsequent invasion of Afghanistan by a
force of sixty thousand men.
The Ameer (looking after them ivith a hopeless smile). Gone!
Well, Allah be praised ! Allah be praised !

[Sits down, and opens the Corned Beef as the Curtain slowly
descends.

WAEFTj' WTJT.

Ne sutor ultra crepidam. Scotch translation. Let not the Souter
go beyond his last. The Souter's last. His last joke, which he
sent to Mr. Punch, and Mr. Punch inserted in his waste-paper
basket.