Punch: Punch (89.1885)

12

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

[July 4, 1885.

board at Horsham." Habkaway adds something about " stunning
champagne at Horsham."

I try to tell them about my accident. Speoggeb says no time to
listen now—must hurry on to Brighton. So they mount again, and
are off with another wild burst of tootling. Surely Fanny and
Clara, will think this "bad Dragonfly form." _ No; they don't.
Never mind. I shall have a chance of harrowing them all this
evening with account of my terrible accident.

In the evening, after dinner, try to interest Fanny Habkaway in
a conversation on politics. She is polite, but inattentive. Prefers
the shoppy talk on tricycling which Speoggeb and Habkaway are
keeping up, and which is something as follows :—

Sprogger. " What a glorious bit that was down-hill after Cuck-
field! "

Harhaway. " Splendid! Mile in two and three-quarters. Beats
Lowndes's record time by a second."

Sprogger. " Lowndes got a nasty spill at Lillie Bridge."

Harhaway. " Riding for the N. C. IJ. ? "

Sprogger. " No; riding for the A. A. A."

"Wonder Habkaway, as a barrister, isn't ashamed of himself.
■Wonder what Haekaway's clients (if he has any) would think of
him if they could see and hear him now.

"Why not tell 'em about my spill now ? _ I will. _ I tell it, but,
somehow, it seems ineffective. In fact, having told it, I don't think
much of it myself. Instead of harrowing them up, I've made light
of it as a mere nothing. Quite surprised at my own view of it.

Naturally Speoggeb thinks lightly of my danger, but wants to
know what has become of the "Zephyr." He seems quite offended
when I tell him it's smashed, as if he had a kind of interest in it,
simply because he reoommended me to buy it.

" Didn't you fall underneath P" he asks, severely.

I tell him that, as far as I recall the circumstances, I flew over the
handle. Habkaway laughs unfeelingly, and calls it " going
Circuit; " but Speoggeb is still grumpy, and says,—

" Then if the ' Zephyr' fell on you, as you assert, that ought to
have broken her fall.'"

This is what Tricycling bring;s a man to! Speoggee regards me
simply in the light of a useful Buffer, to "break the fall "of a
Machine when it topples over!

Fanny Habkaway proposes a " nice little moonlight spin " with her
on her " Tandem Sociable," which she and Claea rides between them.

I've never ridden a " Tandem" in my life! Fanny Haeka way
sees my hesitation, and suggests that " perhaps I'ms little shaken
after my fall." .

Fall! Fancy calling an accident like mine a fall! No—not_ so
much after as at the time. But it's my own fault for not harrowing
their feelings, and telling my own story badly. No, I '11 show
Fanny Habkaway what a hero I am, and will ride the " Tandem "
with her. I tell her so. She says, " All right," and, when we've
got the Machine ready, she gracefully mounts on a seat in front!
Query—How on earth am I to climb up into the seat behind, which
is about a yard higher ? .

Scramble up by a tremendous effort! Miss Habkaway says,
" Are you ready ? " as if she was starting us for a race. No, I cer-
tainly am not ready. What a fool I am to be riding a Tricycle
again after such an accident as mine ! _

I have to steer, too ! We start off, and at once run against a lamp-
post. Fanny Habkaway indignant. Asks me why I didnt put on
the break ? I tell her I don't know where the break is on this inf
on this sort of machine. She points it out, and. asks me to be more
careful. Under any other conditions, a moonlight ride alone with
Fanny Haekaway would be romantic, but it isn't romantic

We are going along a little better. Why am I so nervous ? Am
afraid of every cart that passes, and nearly go into ditch to get out
of their way. What frightful shadows the moon does cast ? Hor-
rible to have a lady riding in front, especially a lady you care for,
whose safety depends on your skill in steering. Can't work the pedals
properly. Another minute, and I'm sure I shall fall off.

Miss Haekatvay asks me to stop. I do so willingly. She dis-
mounts, and then remarks, " Aren't your hands trembling ?"

I don't know. I smile feebly, and say,

"No, I don't think so." [Query—Am I really "very much
shaken " after my fall ?)

" Because "—says pretty Fanny Haekaway—"I really think I
would rather ride alone until you've mastered the 'Tandem' a
little more."

This is cruel of Miss Haekaway. I tell her that I've been nearly
killed in my terrible accident this morning (I think "terrible
accident" sounds well, and will impress her) and I am not fit for any
further exertions.

She agrees with me, and I despondently wheel the creature back to
the hotel. So ends my first (and. last) day's " spin to Brighton."

" Home, Sweet Home."—Yes, by all means—only it must be sweet.

WARFARE AT ISLINGTON.

(A Visit to the Military Towrnament.)

" Deeaming of Angels "—at Islington—we decided that the Mili-
tary Tournament was a thing to be seen. It was well worth seeing.

A great success, and decidedly
so. If we could always go to
war to such light-hearted
tunes as the Band was con-
stantly playing, war would be
only a pleasant kind of outing.
But that's not the tune that
John Bull has to go to war
to; and those are not the notes
he has to "pull out." But
this was not the frame of mind
in which anyone visits the
Agricultural Hall.

The "Cavalry Displays"
were most interesting; the
" Musical Ride " as good as
ever; and the Boy Bugler on
his bare-backed steed was one
of the great sensations of the
week's show. But the per-
formances are, one and all, too
long; the enormous and
tightly - packed audience, on
Thursday for example, became
very weary about five o'clock,
and numbers cleared out,
partly owing to the programme
not being arranged so as to be
intelligible to the meanest
capacity, and partly to. their

1 A Dann come to judgment! " Shaks-

pcario/n Colloquial Version.

unwillingness to sit out the interminable lance-and-sword contests,
a couple of which would suffice as far as the Public is concerned.

On this occasion the Lemon-cutting, Tent-pegging, and several
other exhibitions of skill, were judiciously omitted, Captain Dann
seeing it was just on half-past five, when the Entertainments had to
be wound up by what we, who had carefully studied the Programme,
were all looking forward to seeing, i.e. the combined display of
Artillery, Engineers, and Infantry," in scaling an obstacle, cover-
ing the construction of a bridge by playing the guns on the enemy,
then the crossing of the Artillery over the newly-built bridge, and
the storming of the Fortress, from which were driven the Military
Band, which, under the direction of Mr. Dan Godeeey, might have
made a gallant music-stand, and blown out their assailants' brains
with their Trombones, Ophicleides, Bassoons, and other air-guns or
wind instruments. The scaling was done with marvellous rapidity
by the Infantry, who were up and over the wall as if half a dozen
mad bulls were after them.

The Quadrille might be cut out with advantage, as it is too sug-
gestive of the professional Circus, and, subsequently, the absence of
the Clown is calculated to create a feeling of disappointment. And
then what is the use of cavalry able to dance quadrilles on horseback,
if the enemy won't join them r

Each Show—and there were two to-day—ought not to last for more
than two hours and a half—from 2'30 to 5, and 7 '30 to 10, which
would be quite enough for all reasonable people. They must have
taken over eight thousand pounds ou the week, and certainly it is
one of the most popular entertainments of the Season.

As for Captain Dann, who is shouting all day, even if he belonged
to infantry he must be a hoarse soldier by the end of the week; but
as he is one of the Judges, how on the two last days he can have a
voice in the matter at all is wonderful. He ought to be rewarded
for lung service.

We had expected an oration from the temporary Secretary of War,
at Islington, who bears the classic name of Tully, but Captain
Mabcus Tullius was too busy for talking. There was plenty of
material for Kikebo among the horses if they hadn't been so well
trained and thoroughly in hand. Mr. Punch congratulates the
Committee on the results of this year's Military Tournament.

Be-Knighted Beings.

First Ill-informed Person. Why does Gladstone make Watts a
Baronet ?

Second Ditto. Don't know. P'raps 'cos he wrote the hymns.

First Ditto. No—more likely 'cos he painted the " Hers."

Second Ditto. Oh, those long, sickly creatures—eh ? Ah, they
should have re-titled him as Sir Geoege Gaunt, of Gauut House.

[Exeunt severally.

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