Punch (89.1885)

July 18, 1885.]

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

25

WIMBLEDON WHIMSICALITIES.

[By Dumb'Crambo Junior.)

A Member of the National Rifle
Association.

JP

Firing Suspended.

Proposed Revolver Competition.

\K/

The Spotting Disc.

" "Wearing Caps on the Elbows is not
allowed." (Extract, Regulations.)

Design for the Khol-a-pore Cup.

Entering for a Pool.

A Nursery Aggregate.

Sight Elevator, with use of Spirit
Level.

Morning State.

NOTES FROM THE DIARY OF A CITY WAITER.

If there's wun tiring as I likes more than another its wariety, and
I thinks I am bound in honner to say as I gits plenty on it. On
Munday I seed sitoh a scene as I never seed afore, and can scarcely
hope never to see again. Fancy his Royal Hiness the Prince of
Whales, and her Royal and butiful Hiness the Princess of the same,
and amost all the Royal Famerly, cumming to Guildhall to see the
yootht'ul Prince—who ewery boddy calls by a different name, but
who I alius means to call Eddard, coz it was King Eddard of
blessed memmery as foundered blooming Billinsgit, the pride of the
Copperation's Art, but this buy the buy—go through what will

probberbly be the most importentest ewent of his long rain,_ wen it
comes, which may it be a long wile off! namely taking up his free-
dom in the Grate City! Ah, that was summut like a site, that was.
I wunce did good Mr. Hoverall, the Liberaryan, a little service
in gitting him a nice plate of clear turtel wen he was jest about dun
up with ard work, so he kindly managed to squeedge me into the
butiful Libery jest before the royal party cum. So I seed it all.

The fust thing as struck me was the startlin fack, that as a King
Eddard made the fust and noblest of all Fish Markets, and the
Prince of Whales natrally took a interest in it, as his honnerd name
wood suggest, so his yoothful Son and Hair insisted on being made a
Fishmonger afore he was made a Cittizen. But lor that wasn't all
that was npcessarjr to be dun, Prince or no Prince. The Lobd Mabe
is that partickler in all these most himportant matters, that before
he wood allow the yuthful but Royal Eddabd to swear loyelty to
him as King of the City by the name and titel of Fowler the 2nd, he
demanded to know, who knowed as he was wot he said he was ?
This must ha bin a awful moment in the life of the young Fish-
munger! But he need not have bin alarmed. There was no less
than four blooming Common Counselmen all clothed in butiful blew
dresses, as boldly stood forth, ony jest a leetle pail with their awful
responserbillyty, and boldly said as they knowed him to be of good
fame and reppytashun, and. that he was the reel son of his Father
and Mother ! Ah ! to see the butiful quiet smile of that prowd and
butiful mother was summat to remember, even after dinner, and as
for the Prince of "Whales he reelly larfed as if he thort it was a
cappital joke.

Then the same four bold counselmen, to show as how they was in
reel ernest, ought to have shouted out " and so say all of us," but
they were that nervous that they all made a mistake and sed " and
so we all say "! witch I shood call quite a new wersion of a werry
old chorus.

Well, then follered one of the werry commiclest seens as I hever
seed. Whether the Lord Mabe knowd as I was in a grate urry and
wanted to be off to Chingferd to wait on the Plummers company, of
coarse I don't no, but I don't suppose as noboddy hever seed a mag-
niffisent spread for about 900 Princes and Princesses and other immi-
ment swells, polished off at sitch express speed as that 'ere one was.
Why, the hole copious Maynew and all the warious toasteses, and all
the gratefool ansers to 'em, was all got through in about a hour!
Didn't sum of the reglar old uns jest grumbel at wot won on 'em
called this most onnaturel aste, and a reg'lar waist of good wittles ?
Some of the lady wisiters was grately disappinted, for d'recly the
royal famerly left the All, about harf a duzzen pleacemen marched
in and stood gard over the Royal Table. So there was no oppertunity
for them to show their gushing Loyalty by warking off with the
flours and the frute as Royalty had left. I dessay the Copperashun
knos best, but, tho' I'm only a humbel Waiter, I carn't help saying
as that anythink in the natur of urry is quite out of sorts with reel
Royalty, and no more agrees with it than Shampane agrees with
Turtel Soop.

So much for Munday, Royalty and urry and grumbling. But on
Wensday, down at the Inwentorys, I asisted at a werry diffrent
scene. There wasn't no Royalty to be sure, but there was Nobilerty
and there was Hart, and there was Literytoor, and there was Beauty
to give Phillips to the wits—one on 'em sed as the ladies was like the
new Cabs, all Hansoms and no Growlers—and as helligant a maynu
as the most fastidgeous Alderman could reqwire. There wasn't no
urry there, quite the contrary, for the wit was so keen, and the fun
and charf was so jolly, and the eloomenated fountings and trees and
gardings was so evenly, that all the werry full drest and ansom and
appy compenny lingerd and lingerd on till they was amost locked in.
I couldn't quite make out wot it was all about, but I think it was a
kind of hexperyment jest to see if a partickler nice set of peeple
couldn't dine together pretty cumferabel without no Tostes and no
speaches!

It was, of course, a werry bold atempt to make, and required a
man with the ordassity of a Nite Templer to do it, but he did it, and
it's sucksess may make a nearer in the istory of Dining. I'm
natrally myself werry much awerse to all change in this most
important of all hearthly matters, wun never nose where it's to stop.
I wunce herd of a hawful idea to employ nun but dum waiters ! so
that they couldn't hear not nothink as was sed, but it never came to
nothink. But most suttenly, to my simple natur, dinner without no
Toast seems about as unnateral as Tea without no Shrimps, witch I
suppose as all will allow, is a depth of diggeradation difficult to
conseeve. Robert.

"O Temporal"

Told fibs two years ago ? Why, that's no crime!

Cries Randolph, " I shan't think of an apology."
Consistency '_s a mere affair of time,

And Conscience just a question of Chronology ;

Rut surely Truth, to meet new Obligations,

Req-uires a new Statute of Limitations!

vol. lxxxix.