Punch (89.1885)

August 15, 1885.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARJ. '3

THE OYSTER AND THE GROUSE.

On a sweltering August afternoon,

As the Speakeb dismissed the House,
A Native Oyster wept on the breast

Of a sympathetic old Grouse.

"Pity me, comrade," he sobbed, "for
deep

My mental anxieties are;
The dredging season commenced last
week,

Though this isn't a month with an R!

" In days less cruel and greedy than
these

I was safe while the Dog-Star shone ;
I could fatten in peace and dreamily
gape

My subaqueous bed upon.

I could slumber, lulled by the lapping
wave,

Through the heat of an August day,
Or, whistling softly, the gambols watch
Of my innocent spat at play.

" But a law, which I cannot hesitate
To denounce as a licence to crime,
Permits the vile dredger to hyke me up-

Just a month before my time.

This savage, indecent, gluttonous haste

To deprive me of life is due
To the basest of human propensities,
From the Oyster's point of view."

"Be of good comfort!" the Grouse
replied,

" My griefs are as great as thine ;
The month that endangers thy precious
life

Is fatal to me and mine.

For our enemy, Man, at this time of
year,

Is bent upon shooting me down,

That he may devour my roasted re-
mains

At dinner with crumbs fried brown.

" The summertide through he has
chuckled with joy
To hear I was hardy and strong;

In the House, as the deadly Twelfth
drew nigh,

The debates he has deemed too long ;
And now that the Session's chatter is
done—

A marvel of wasted breath—

He is off with his dogs and gillies and
gun

To the Moors, to compass my death.

"We are one in our perils, my mollusc
friend,

We are one in our family woes,
For our toothsome bodies are coveted
now

By greedy, unscrupulous foes.
Who gloat on our fatness in leaders and
/pars'

With outbursts of fiendish glee,
And lick their lips at the hideous
thought

Of swallowing thee and me I "

"A curse upon science!" the Oyster
exclaimed,

As the tears his cheeks ran down,
" On the locomotive that brings us up
fresh

To the gormandising Town!

On the newspaper ghouls,—when I
think of them

I can never choose but weep,—
Who revel in gruesome forecasts that
we

Shall abound this year, and be cheap I"

Thus sadly, that August afternoon,

The Oyster did wail and whine,
While the brilliant eye of the Grouse
was dimmed

With unfamiliar brine.

But he who heard them lament was
glad,

And a smile illumined his face,
As he prophesied, "Natives a penny
apiece,

And Grouse at three shillings a
brace! "

The Outgoing Govebnment to the Speakeb.—" Mori-torics te salutant ! "

PAGES FROM A DIARY

Kept by the Acting-Assistant, Deputy Sub-Editor oj the
Official Court Circular.

Sunday.—-There are so many important facts omitted
from the daily record of Royal doings with which I
have the honour to be connected, that I have determined
to make them public. For instance, although the Circu-
lar gives the name of the happy Divine selected for the
enviable distinction of preaching before Heb Majesty
and the Royal Family, no mention is made of the cha-
racter and effect of his sermon. It was twenty minutes
long, and during the first quarter of an hour every
occupant of the Queen's Pew was awake. It was only
during the last five minutes that two Princes and a
Princess (whose names are suppressed for obvious reasons)
slumbered.

Prince Chbistian of Schleswig-Holstein (who stayed
to luncheon) expressed much satisfaction with "vinegar-
jam," a new sort of pickles, which H.R.H. has recently
invented. ";KnuK-

Monday.—The Circular, although announcing the'faot
that the Queen and Princess Beatrice took a drive in the
morning, omitted to mention that Spot, the favourite
colley of H.R.H., was in attendance.

H.R.H. Prince Henby of Battenberg spent a large
portion of the morning in learning ten pages of How to
Speak English in a Fortnight, by Professor Sauebkbaut,
of Berlin.

Prince Chbistian (who stayed to luncheon) expressed
much approval of a ten-pound pot of pate de foies gras
which had the honour of supplying H.R.H.'s entire meal.

Tuesday.—The Queen and the Princess Beatrice took
a drive in a pony-carriage. The Circular omitted to
mention that the Mistress of the Robes was accommodated
with a seat on the box.

Prince Chbistian of Schleswig-Holstein (who stayed
to luncheon) was graciously pleased to express his ap-
proval of the soup, fish, roast beef, and curried rabbit.

Wednesday.—The Prince and Princess of Wales took
a cruise in their yacht, the Aline, accompanied by T.R.H.
the Duke and Duchess of Connaught, the Princess Louise,
the Prince and Princess Henby of Battenberg, Prince
Chbistian of Schleswig-Holstein (who came on board in
time for five o'clock tea), Prince and Princess of Batten-
bebg, T.S.H. the Count and Countess Yon Pumpeb-
nickel, Baron Ruhpelstiekin, Baron Stultz, Count
Yon Hombogs, Prince SpoonNickel, Baron Pbog, and
the Marquis of Lobne. A large number of Ladies and
Gentlemen of the Court were also honoured with an
invitation. Owing to a breeze springing up, some of the
company were accommodated with places on an accom-
panying Ryde and Portsmouth steamboat. The band of
the Royal Marine Artillery were in attendance.

Prince Chbistian of Schleswig-Holstein (who stayed to
luncheon), expressed his approval of a superb dish of
liver and bacon, a plat specially prepared for H.R.H.

Thursday.—This being the forty-first birthday of the
Duke of Edinbubgh, H.R.H. called upon the Prince and
Princess of Wales, the Duke and Duchess of Connaught,
the Duchess of Albany, the Princess Louise, Marchioness
of Lobne, the Prince Chbistian of Schleswig-Holstein
(who was not at home), and a large number of H.R.H.'s
friends and acquaintances. The birthday presents ac-
cepted by H.R.H. were more numerous than costly, with
the exception of those offered, by the Royal household,
which were of the value sanctioned by precedent.

Prince Chbistian of Schleswig-Holstein (who stayed
to luncheon), was the only member of the Royal Family
present at that meal. H.R.H. graciously shared the
viands prepared for the members of the Royal Household.

Friday.—Prince Chbistian of Schleswig-Holstein (who
stayed to luncheon), inspected the_ Royal Kitchen, and
spent a considerable time in examining the wine-cellars
and larder, graciously testing their contents.

Saturday.—Prince and Princess Henby of Battenberg
accompanied one another to-day (the first time this
week), for a walk. Two ladies and three equerries (on
horseback) were in attendance. In the afternoon His
Royal Highness proceeded to London,while the Princess
accompanied Her Majesty _ in a closed pony carriage,
to make some purchases in llvde. The weather was
inclement.

Prince Chbistian of Schleswig-Holstein (who stayed
to luncheon), is suffering from indisposition.

vol. lxxxix.