Punch (89.1885)

August 22, 1885.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 85

WANTED.

Customer. "Lamp not included in the Price? Wnr, the Lamp forms
part of the Machine in the Picture !"

Bicycle-Maker. "Yes, Sir; rut k Lady is also included in the Picture,

and we don't give one with the machine !"

BEER!

(After Calverley, by Churchill.)

" "We defeated the late Government in an attempt to place a
heavy tax on Beer; and I hold that great national drink,
which sustains the powers, and reinyigorates, in times of
exhaustion, our labouring population, is quite as much the food
of the people as the bread which the Radicals accuse the Tory
Party of wishing to tax."—Lord Randolph Churchill at
Wimborne.

So, to proceed! To tax the people's Malt

Has always struck me as extremely curious.
The Had. mind has a vile and vital fault,

It's passion, for the people is hut spurious.

Love you, yet tax your liquor! An assault

Upon your pleasures that must make you furious!
Increase the price of Beer ? The mere suggestion
BriDgs British Liberty at once in question.

Believe me, they are scoundrels in a hody,

Who'd lay so vile an impost your poor backs on;
They do not touch the wine of Lord Tom Noddy,

But your " Four-half" would lay a heavy tax on.
Not Claret, or Champagne, or Whisky-toddy,

No, but the favourite swizzle of the Saxon,

That blessed boon that all your woes can scatter,
And make you happier, wiser, stronger, fatter!

Does not the lone and labouring soul find Heaven,

It's only Heaven, in a pewter pot ?

And shall that paradise from you be riven ?

No by great King Gambrinus it shall not.
Our legislative grandmothers are given

To back up Wilfrid Laavson's washy rot;
Fanaticism their cold breasts has cankered.

Thralls of the Tank who'd rob you of the Tankard.

Beer is the People's Food; (That's cogent, very.)

Awake ye, Rustics ; Londoners, awake !

They'd make the Chinese herb, the Turkish berry

Tour only drink; because you cannot take,

Like the rich Radicals, to Port or Sherry.

Arise! Joe's bitter bondage from you shake.

Take the true Tory—that is Me!—for Tutor,

And find your true Palladium—the Pewter!

Botany for Beginners.—A (1) Member of the Umbel-
liferous Order: Mr. Gladstone.

DEPRESSION.

There was a little Earl, and he had a little gun,

And some paper bullets looking much like lead—lead—lead,
And he said, " I know a rig that shall dish each little Whig,
And strike each noisy Rad upon the head—head—head."

And this funny little Earl had a funny little bag,

Which he labelled " Commission upon Trade—Trade—Trade ; "
And he said, " I '11 pop away, and the people all will say,

Why what a wond'rous Bag he has made—made—made! "

And he popped and popped and popped; hut the birds in cover
stopped,

That is, except the young ones, who went cheep—cheep—cheep!
But the old ones—which seemed strange—kej)t most slily out of
raDge,

And at the puzzled Bportsman took a peep—peep—peep !

Then that funny little Earl, he tried every little dodge,

He sprinkled chaff, he took a pinch of salt—salt—salt,

Yet the sly eld birds—how queer !—were not tempted to come near,
But at respectful distance made a halt—halt—halt.

Then that funny little Earl was exceedingly depressed ;

But they who saw the spectacle did laugh—laugh—laugh ;

For the little Earl forgot paper pellets are not shot,

And old birds cannot be caught with salt or chaff—chaff—chalf.

nugee and old horry,

Last Saturday the Rev. Mr. Nugee crowned a Hosiere at Walworth.
'Arry heard of it, and was disgusted. "What's rosey 'air?" he
asked. "Why not call her 'carrots' at once?" By the way, has
Mr. Hugee ever been interviewed? If anyone ought to be trotted
out, it is a New Gee.

"AND.IIS OLD DOUBLE DEAD?"

Certainly, as any door-nail. Mr. Joseph Hatton has killed him
in John Needham's Double, which we highly recommend. The
"Shilling Dreadful" has beaten the old-fashioned three-volume
novel out of the field of sensational literature. There is no room for
tall writing, or mere paddiDg, when a real good story has to be told
in two hundred small pages of print large enough to defy twilight
and railway-carriage lamps. This, to a traveller who can read in
a train is a very great thing, specially if the novel itself is one
calculated to keep him awake for a couple of hours on the stretch.
John Needham's Double achieves the feat. It begins with a
slow movement, gradually it increases in intensity and the reader
cannot turn over the pages quick enough to satisfy his curiosity.
Whether there was any necessity for the author to bring in John
Sadleir's story, and to found his novel upon it, is what we are un-
able to decide, though the plan certainly gives such an air of reality
to the romance, that you feel you are reading the true solution of
the mystery of John Sadleir's supposed suicide told under fictitious
names. The title, John Needham's Double, does not sound sensa-
tional, being suggestive of a story about Whist, with which, how-
ever, it has nothing on earth to do. The climax, given with true
dramatic energy, brings down the curtain on a very strong situation.
With a very little working up, for there is a " love interest" ready
to hand, it ought to be turned into a strong sensation drama, which,
should the acting and dialogue be equal to the construction, might
keep a theatre going for a year. We compliment Mr. Josephtts Junior
on the Double, hope he '11 make it a treble and the rub, and so we
take our hat off to Mr. Hatton.

From: a Theatricax Manager's Point of View.—" ' Necessity
the Mother of Invention'? My dear Sir, it's nothing of the sort.
Invention is the Mother of Necessity—at any rate, as far as we are
concerned."

tol. l xxxix.