Punch (89.1885)

August 1, 1885.]

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

49

Some features of a Race Meeting,
and two remarkably straight tips.

TIPS! TIPS! TIPS!

(More of" the Ring and the Boole." By Our Specially-engaged
Sportsman.)

Sir,—"Odds, my life!" as the Book-makera used to say in the
last century, but I may refer your readers to my letter last week

with, the confidence of a man who
knows what he is writing about, a,nd
who has by this time earned the
gratitude of the astute Sportsmen
who, seeing' what I meant about the
Leicestershire Cup, cleverly avoided
the Duke of Richmond, and backed
Coram, a.

The .Tockey was Wall—a regular
Brick "Wall. Let the weakest go to
the Wall for advice in the future,
and if he's up to his Thursday form,
the Brick-layers may back him at,
long hods. Lord Hartington was
immensely pleased. Well, "'tis a
poor Hart-ingtoh" that never re-
joices!" And now for Goodwood.
" Off, off! cried the Stranger; " but
I forget on what occasion the
Stranger cried off. It might have
been applied to Goodwood this year,
and would have meant that, as
there were fewer than ten accept-
ances for the Goodwood Stakes, the
race bpcame void, and all bets were
off. This is the first time such a
thing has happened in the history of
Goodwood, and is one of the greatest miss-stakes of modern racing
times. It must not occur again.

Ere this letter appears, the first day's racing will he over at Good-
wood. How about the second day ? I do not intend to he too minute
about the second, but still have a word or two to say for the benefit not
of those who run horses, but who read leaders. For the Stewards' Cup
1 can only say that if Lord hiktington" doesn't have it for his side-
board, it will be because the horse which has so suddenly Blosx-omerl
into a winnc-r may be full blown before he reaches the post, and will
have yielded his place to those who shall ha ve earned aright to occupy
it. Sweetbread is one of the entrevs. and Hermitage doesn't go badlr
with this dish. If I am told that all the horses down in the list will
come up to their several owners' expectations, I reply, " Sir. you
are a romancer; but there is such a thin? as winning by a Neck-
romnncer." In some cases it's neck or nothing. "Brag's a good
dog," and you will see whether this applies to him as a horse. Much
depends on the weather, the state of the bellows, and the riding ; so,
a propos of Brag, let us sing, Shakspearianly, " Hayhoe, the wind
and the rein ! "

Talking of singing. Lord Cadogan may strike up " They've none
got a Mate but me ! " and, as an Irish Friend of mine observed.
" There's more than may mate the eye in that horse." A good deal of
fine work about Lactman. Honiton soit qui mal y vense, and I
recommend my readers to keep a wary eye on his Hopperations.
How easily Laceman may be turned into Placeman anyone who
minds his " p's and q's " (and. after this, no one can x q's himself for
not minding his p's) will see. Many a true word's uttered in jest, and.
if the jest is bad, why, as the man who would mike a pun would
pick a pocket, "jest send," says my Irish Friend again, "for a
-P'laceman." Omens strike some people forcibly. When you are
training to Goodwood, look out for a Porter, and, if he's a half-
and-half chap, be cautious how you deal with the Duke of Richmond
(there's only one Richmond in the field, mind), and, when you
alight, ask about Luminary, and you may get a perfect Blaise.

No Time like the Present Times, though, of course—that is, of
race-course—it will be not unwise to make an exception in favour of
Wild Thyme. . Mind, Wild Thyme grows. When you want some-
thing to suit, give a look round at the Taylors'. If tired, go to
Bed -ouin, which rhymes with Willie Edouin, the eccentric
Comedian, and this is but another way of spelling Ed-win. A
cockney, who may drop his money but retain his " h's," might read
this Hed-win. But this may or may not be. Whatever your luck
may have been hitherto, let " Nil Desperandum" be your motto
■when you're near Despair. Look out! Two for her heels! But
Nil Deep, would have been a fine motto for the scuttling policy in
Egypt; "Despairing of the Nile." However, I am a sportsman
first and a politician afterwards.

For the rest of the field I can only say, and those who know me
know that I mean what I say and say as much as I mean, that is,
"when I've said all I mean, keep your Bright Eye and your Dart-
mouth open, think of Childhood's happy days before a White-lock
appeared, and you went to school with a Satchel which you dis-

carded in the holidays, when you were taken to see a spectacle at
the Theatre near old Hungerford Bridge, entitled Hobson's Choice ;
or. The King of the Furies, the principal characters being Albert
Melville, Adelina, who, as a Pearl Diva, sang a song about Oyster
Patti, a mysterious Domino, an Eastern Emperor, who was always
running after an Oriental Girl, who, as she would have nothing to
say to him, was mistaken for a Crosspatch, and repulsed him with
an Energy which might have, in old times, distinguished a
Highland Chief, and in modern times would have distinguished the
plucky Commander of the Condor. It will not do for me to pretend
to absolute certainty as a tipster, or I might be inclined to be frank
with you about Sir 'Francis. Do you know the river Stour ? Well,
you may not set the Thames on fire, but can you find a match for a
Stour-wick ?

To return to omens. Going into a reading-room, a friend of mine
the other day tripped over some cocoa-fibre matting, but as he was
out for a trip, it didn't matter. What did he exclaim? "Ha!
matting!" Is this anything resembling Harmattan f Then sitting
down to luncheon, he was disappointed in not seeing beef, and cried
out, "Ha! mutton!" What does this portend? He kicked the
black-and-tan terrier, accidentally, as he explained, because not on
any account would he Harm-a-tan. These may be coincidences: I
give them for what they are worth.

Hot weather ! Do you wish you were on the Boulevard ? or down
on the Royal Fern, in the shady Glen Albyn, going in a bucket to
the Lang-well, which is as broad as it's lang, and I'm as deep as
that is. Do I say leave well alone ? Give me a quiet dinner at Royal
Hampton, and let Sadler provide the saddle for tbe party, and after
the meal we shall all be Ful-men. Tours ever,

The Cell, Bye Lane, Betfortowunshire. Peeper the Hermit.

"Where's Lindley Murray, HC.P. P

Among the Clauses to be proposed in Committee on the Criminal
Law Amendment Bill, appeared the following paragraph, the com-
position of Mr. Samuel Smith, M.P. for Liverpool:—

"A justice of the peace if satisfied by information laid before him that
there was no reasonable cause to believe in such unlawful detention of the
girl, and that such persons acted wantonly and without bond, fide interest in
the girl, may be liable to be fined not more than forty shillings, or im-
prisoned for any term not exceeding fourteen days."

Poor Justice of the Peace ! Rather hard on him. Sammy Smith
must have a spite against Magistrates.

GOODWOOD STAKES.

{Cooked by Dumb-Crambo Junior.)

Cravin' Stakes.

Gratwicke.

. ffPPasF'

Entering for'tlie ".Drawing Room."

Singleton.

vox. lxxxtx.